is this a bad tipic for college essay?

<p>I think your sentences sounded really choppy, and I would work on flow a little more. Also, try starting your story as an anecdote about a particular game, maybe using stream of consciousness to describe your specific feelings about feeling more confident. I like that you are trying to be honest, but it seems a little boring to say that you “stick through things”…be creative! Show, don’t just tell!</p>