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Help! My daughter still cannot choose a college.


Replies to: Help! My daughter still cannot choose a college.

  • lookingforwardlookingforward Registered User Posts: 29,420 Senior Member
    What jumped put at me wasn't the bf. it was this: "At either school she feels that the college transition would be extremely hard for her-" and "SDSU would be closer travel to home and comforted that it's in-state."

    Some reason the transition is a challenge? No matter how much she may have first been satisfied with CU, she might have the same mid-July uncertainty crop up even if SD hadn't come through.
  • geeps20geeps20 - Posts: 3,250 Senior Member
    no way in heck my D is choosing a college based on a boyfriend..not on my dime.
  • 4kidsdad4kidsdad Registered User Posts: 4,602 Senior Member
    no way in heck my D is choosing a college based on a boyfriend..not on my dime.
    Women outnumber men in the US. She is wise to lock-in her husband early.
  • psych_psych_ Registered User Posts: 1,570 Senior Member
    I know most people break-up with their first love--but not all do. In HS, I had a friend who chose her college largely based on her BF, and no one thought it would work out. Seven years later, they're celebrating their 3rd wedding anniversary. Another friend married her first BF (however, she met him in grad school, so they were both more mature when they met than HS students typically are). So, "first loves" can work out. Not often, perhaps, but sometimes.

    I do agree that an SO shouldn't be the primary factor in one's college choice, though.
  • Jea828Jea828 Registered User Posts: 284 Junior Member
    If the boyfriend weren't in the picture, would SDSU still be as attractive? If she goes to SDSU and, heaven forbid, they eventually break up, would she still be glad she chose it, or would she be kicking herself, thinking "I should have gone to Boulder!"

    FWIW, my D also had to choose between close-to-BF and far-from-BF schools. She ultimately chose the far-away school because she figured if they were close enough to visit frequently, it would probably lead to problems. She would either be upset because he wasn't visiting enough, or annoyed because he was visiting too often, preventing her from making friends and finding her niche at school. Being too far to visit without major planning eliminated those particular problems... and they are still together after a year of long-distance.
  • sally305sally305 Registered User Posts: 7,604 Senior Member
    Women outnumber men in the US. She is wise to lock-in her husband early.

    I hate to have to ask...but you are joking, correct? Sometimes I can't tell on this site.
  • kjcphmomkjcphmom Registered User Posts: 1,103 Senior Member
    Do NOT make this decision for her because she will always blame "you" if the university you chose for her ends up not being the right one. Is there a right one? Of course not. Either school would be just fine for her but every school is NOT perfect and on the bad days she would always wonder what would happen if she went to the other one.

    Although she has to make the decision, I hope she decides to go to San Diego State. From my point of view if she is in love with her boyfriend, she will not be happy in CO. Yes, they may break up (most high school romances do) but if they are still dating when she goes off to school in CO I believe her thoughts will be with him and her first semester will be miserable. If she goes to San Diego and he does go to a community college near her, I do believe they will hang out but eventually when she gets involved in the school, new friends, and studying, she actually might outgrow him and eventually move on. Of course if this doesn't happen, she still is getting her education even if her college experience because of him might not be what YOU (and the rest of us) hope for our children.
  • momtotwinsmomtotwins Registered User Posts: 338 Member
    If it is possible, have your daughter make one last visit to both schools. If she can go by herself that would be best. Just hang out for a day or two. Then maybe her choice would be clearer to her.

    While it is great to go far away to school and I am sure that would be an enriching experience for her, she would also do just fine closer to home.
  • HarvestMoon1HarvestMoon1 Registered User Posts: 6,227 Senior Member
    I think the very fact that your daughter is so confused will make a transition out of state very difficult and stressful for her. If it were my daughter I would advocate either for the gap year or the in state college where she has family, friends and her boyfriend nearby. Freshman year in college is stressful enough for those students who are sure about their choice of schools, so I fear she might be setting herself up for failure by taking herself outside her comfort zone when she is so uncertain about her decision. At the first sign of adversity she will convince herself she has made the wrong choice.

    Position her for success by keeping her within reach and surrounded by friends. She could always transfer two years in or perhaps think about graduate work out of state.
  • JAMCAFEJAMCAFE Registered User Posts: 666 Member
    Most relationships don't survive long distance but many do. She should pick the best college notwithstanding BF. If he is the one they'll find a way to make it as a couple.

    Whether she'll be convinced that's the best approach to making this decision idk.
  • MD MomMD Mom Registered User Posts: 6,728 Senior Member
    How about having her take a look at the Facebook pages for accepted students for both of the schools? It is just a snapshot, but it might give her a better feeling about one of the schools.
  • MadaboutxMadaboutx Registered User Posts: 1,592 Senior Member
    Sounds like a problem with decision making.

    This could be 2 college majors, 2 boys, 2 homes or 2 job offers where the need to choose one and reject the other is just too hard to make.

    I read that Ben Franklin made a list with 2 columns-good side and bad side. The side with the most won out.
  • sseamomsseamom Registered User Posts: 4,897 Senior Member
    I would NEVER advocate for a kid to choose a college closest to a boyfriend because she might miss him. That's just setting them up to not move on, to remain more in HS mode, seeing the BF every weekend or more often rather than spending time making new friends.

    Now, if the student is anxious and fearful about being far away in general, that's another story. In that case, staying close by might be the right option. But this girl has about 10 days to make a choice that will impact her entire future. If she's that indecisive so close to decision time, I do think a gap year or semester would be best. She would probably wish she'd gone the other way no matter what at this point.
  • HImomHImom Registered User Posts: 32,670 Senior Member
    Many do find writing out all the pluses and minuses of each campus is very helpful reaching a decision. I refused to make choices related to colleges for our kids--which school, what major, etc. I want them to make choices and learn to live with them. We did allow to apply to transfer from her CC after she had completed one semester, but that was because none of us had expected her to enroll in CC in the first place. She did end up completing 3 semesters of CC before her transfer, and made a very smooth transition 2500 miles away.

    I would not be happy with a child this anxious so close to final decision time. Agree with above post it bodes poorly and will likely lead to her second-guessing herself. This would especially apply if she has difficulty with transitions. A gap term or year is sounding better and better, from here.
  • MarianMarian Registered User Posts: 12,995 Senior Member
    But this girl has about 10 days to make a choice that will impact her entire future.

    It actually isn't that important.

    They're both good schools, and she can get a good education at either one.

    It's not really that crucial a decision in terms of her future. It's more a matter of what feels more comfortable to her right now.
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