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Help! My daughter still cannot choose a college.

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Replies to: Help! My daughter still cannot choose a college.

  • Emaheevul07Emaheevul07 5890 replies76 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    I think Marian makes a good point and looking at it that way may help D stop panicking and think rationally. They are Both good schools. The sky will not fall no matter which one she chooses, and even if there are negatives to a certain choice the positives should outweigh them and there will be negatives everywhere.

    I'd be curious to know which one she liked better at application time. That's the one I'd pick. Choosing to be closer to family isn't necessarily a bad thing or indicative of stunted growth, but it will set her up for a difficult transition if she plans to come home and visit all the time. I wanted to move away and do not have a good relationship with my parents when we live together, I was totally ready to move on, but going back and forth from home and school on the occasions I did go home was difficult. It is easier to only go home when you need to for holidays and special occasions and get used to being at school the rest of the time. My roommate went home every weekend freshman year and didnt really adjust to college until she stopped doing that sophomore year. If your d is more comfortable being close to home, I think that's okay (as long as home doesn't just mean boyfriend) but she should consider if she can resist the temptation to come home all the time, because it will be easier for her if she doesn't.

    If the boyfriend is her only reason for considering San Diego, you know she should go to CO. However, I think it's normal that these kids are stressed out about leaving each other and that this issue has made it to the table. As long as its not the deciding factor, I think that's okay. Sometimes when we're overwhelmed we freak out about the little things that shouldn't matter because its easier than the real issue. That could be all it is. I don't think we should blacklist San Diego just because the boyfriend issue crossed the girls mind, it could be the right choice for her despite him depending on the circumstances. He should not be the reason to go to CO any more than he should be the reason to stay in CA.
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  • PackMomPackMom 7650 replies17 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Long ago, I applied to only one university, the one my bf attended. My h.s. grades were much better than his. I could have gone to a higher ranked sch. but didn't even consider it. He broke up with me at the end of my first semester. I didn't consider a transfer. I liked the school and felt comfortable there. I quickly acquired a new bf who went to a diff univ. Old bf left college and joined the military.

    It all worked out well in the end (married the new bf) but I've often wondered where else I might have gone if not for the influence of the old bf.
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  • lookingforwardlookingforward 34123 replies377 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    For the record, San Diego is a world away from the Bay Area. An easy flight, but one heck of a drive. "Close to home" may have more to do with being near the beach, same sorts of culture, more or less, versus CO. You would have to have deep pockets to fly home all the time.
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  • sseamomsseamom 4880 replies25 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    "It actually isn't that important."

    In the long run, no. And she'll likely turn out fine no matter which she chooses. But to HER, it's her entire life she's looking at, and telling her they're both just as good isn't likely to spur her to make a decision any faster.

    The OP's daughter's complete indecision would worry me if it was my child. I have spent plenty of time in the locations of both schools and on geography alone they are nothing alike. Add in the schools' populations, programs, area transportation, etc. etc. and you've got REALLY different situations. Sure, she can transfer, but I've seen many posts on CC about how much harder it is to transfer than to apply as a freshman. The OP and her D need to be aware of that. That's why rather than trow good money after bad I suggest a gap year until the D figures out what she really wants and can handle.
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  • showmom858showmom858 2924 replies16 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    As I mentioned above her D will not be able to transfer to San Diego State after her freshman year if she decides she does not like Boulder. Because of budget cuts at California state schools you can only transfer as a junior.
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  • Rousse54Rousse54 487 replies33 threadsRegistered User Member
    This is a tough situation. My son is from Los Angeles and he is now entering his senior year at CU. He loves it there and has actually stayed there two out of three summers as well working in Boulder. I know lots of students also love SDSU as well. So she has two good choices. It does worry me she may want to be in San Diego to be near the boyfriend. That is not a reason to choose a school. Also, even if the boyfriend and she stay together, having a boyfriend near by and seeing him all the time will limit her social interactions with other people and I fear she will not get really invested in the campus culture. Which in the long run could make her unhappy and have no friends except the boyfriend. And I agree with other posters, thinking she can transfer if she is not happy at the school she chooses is really problematic. Even if the transferring process was easy, and it is certainly not, it is harder to make friends as a transfer student than a freshman. I think your daughter should go with her gut level. Make a decision based on what her gut tells her. But please do not choose a school based on the boyfriend. I doubt it is possible, but if there was some way he could be taken out of the equation in terms of the decision making, that would be best. Also, San Diego is a lot different vibe than Norther California. So if the daughter thinks the kids will be similiar to what she is used to, that is not necessarily true. And there are lots of out of state kids from California who attend CU.
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  • sally305sally305 7475 replies129 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    It sounds to me like she unfortunately has a high probability of not liking either choice. All the warning signs are there. So I would do whatever involves the least risk. If it were my kid I would probably be suggesting a gap year.
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  • compmomcompmom 10762 replies76 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    The daughter should know, in advance, that it is very, very common to be homesick and miserable the first semester of college. Spring semester seems to bring a lot of improvements in that regard. It takes some emotional perseverance to get through the first few months. Will she have that kind of perseverance once in Colorado? Indecision doesn't necessarily mean immaturity or lack of will.

    Colorado has more pros, and fewer cons, including the academics and support available.

    San Diego offers an emotional transition through boyfriend/friend, sort of "transitional objects" that might help her leave home, but once that first semester is over, she may not need that. The business program is a plus but it sounds like she isn't as interested. She may be undecided about her academic focus at this point.

    Objectively, the answer would be Colorado. In fact, that impossibility of transferring there might make starting there a wise idea, with the possibility still remaining, perhaps of transferring to San Diego if she wants. (Does San Diego take sophomore transfers? Would she get in for sure?)

    Subjectively, for a kid like this, I think the presence of familiar people, including the BF, might be really, really helpful. There is nothing wrong with that at all. I know of one student whose high school BF went to school nearby and even lived with her. They both had a secure base from which to explore academics, extracurriculars and other friends. In the final year, when they had both achieved more maturity and grown a lot, they broke up!

    I think it would be better to go to San Diego and have a secure start rather than go to Colorado and possibly be so homesick and lonely that the kinds of growth and exploration that might happen closer to home and BF, won't happen. But the parent can judge that, and conversations with the daughter might center on this.

    Psychic energy is limited- for all of us. Making a big move away from home costs a lot of psychic energy, and having some familiar people around might help preserve enough psychic energy to get a really solid start.

    If the relationship with BF is full of drama or negativity, that is a different story. Dependency can be a natural way of coping with this stressful transition and it may morph into something more healthy once the move is made. You and your daughter might be able to assess this together.

    Some kids move away from home gradually. I actually know several who spent their first year going home on weekends. Others actually live home, or go away and come back to live home. And 82% apparently end up home after graduating! Our culture's emphasis on independence can be harmful to some, but standing one one's own two feet is good even for someone who is more into interdependence.
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  • salandersalander 382 replies4 threadsRegistered User Member
    OP: How are things developing?
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  • NCalRentNCalRent 6142 replies14 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    It sounded like she's got a dorm all lined up at CU. Is SDSU offering her an on-campus bed or, will she have to scramble on 7/24?

    Imagine working through the off-campus housing options near SDSU with her in 3 weeks. You want to see indecision!

    Also, just curious why she didn't appply to any closer schools. If she made it in to SDSU, she'd have been a lock for all the CSUs but Cal Poly and probably a few UCs. It is too late now but, i wonder if revisiting the thought process she went through when deciding where to apply.

    Given what's been said, I think you are right to allow her to make the call. It may help if you give her a deadline with a little buffer in it. Say 7/20. That way she can change her mind a few times before you mail in the check.
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  • GladGradDadGladGradDad 2804 replies14 threadsRegistered User Senior Member
    Maybe hand her the check and let 'her' address and send the envelope.
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