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<p>HA! I have a very old, tattooed, stogie smoking female as my avatar, and old friends I haven’t seen in decades always comment on how much I appear to have “changed.”</p>
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<p>the settings are only more secure if you set them up that way. You can make yourself unsearchable on facebook if you wish.</p>
<p>Well, last night we spoke to my daughter and asked her who this older guy was. She said he was the cousin of a friend. He is about 19. He friended my daughter and several others from his cousins’ friend list. She has never met him. He did make her feel uncomfortable and she unfriended but then friended him again when he kept asking why. What she never did was tell us and that is the scariest thing. Apparently all of her friends agreed that he was creepy. </p>
<p>The upshot of all this is she blocked him while we watched and I am now her friend on facebook. I promised not to make comments or “embarass” her! I also handed her 2 articles that I pulled off an internet safety website which she had to read and discuss before she got back on the internet. I also plan to call the aunt of the 19 year old to discuss it with her.</p>
<p>I would not call the aunt of the 19 year old. This could cause your daughter to be targeted by him, the cousin, or other friends. Your responsibility is to your daughter, not to clean up the other family. I have been in a similar situation with my d where there was retaliation. I would call your daughter’s friends mothers though to let them know this boy is “creepy.”</p>
<p>Que sera sera, I have teens, too, who use FB and MySpace. The whole thing creeps me out. I was at a family party and a friend (who is an avid FBooker) took a picture of us w/margaritas in hand and posted it. I was not happy and I’ve been thinking about disabling my account but it won’t stop others from posting pics/comments on their pages! I’ve also warned my kids about watching their pages and what others might post about them because they will be applying to colleges soon. </p>
<p>FB and MySpace can also work for you. A student was at an interview w/one of the ivies and their last question was “Do you have anything else to share with us?” He brought out his laptop and played his academic decathalon team’s dance number (they choreographed it for fun and performed it at school assemblies.) It showed that he did things outside of the box and he felt it really helped seal the deal on his acceptance.</p>
<p>Que sera, sera: I am freaking out just reading your first post. If it hasn’t already been suggested, tonight sit with your D and watch several of the clips from Dateline’s To Catch a Predator on you tube (search for “To Catch a Predator” . This is classic behavior. Stop it now. Right now. (yikes, I am now officially my parents!) [YouTube</a> - dateline to catch a predator best](<a href=“http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=dateline+to+catch+a+predator+best&search_type=&aq=1&oq=dateline+to+]YouTube”>http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=dateline+to+catch+a+predator+best&search_type=&aq=1&oq=dateline+to+)</p>
<p>northeastmom2- I haven’t thought about retaliation…that would be awful but at the same time this guy is heading down a scary path and someone elses daughter may be in jeopardy. I don’t know the aunt well but she seems like a decent person. Can you share some of what happened in your daughter’s situation? Did the family seem decent initially? </p>
<p>justamom-I like that idea -she might not but I will definatly consider wathcing the show with her</p>
<p>What exactly is the problem here again???</p>
<p>Que sera, you were right to be concerned and to take action with your daughter. It sounds like this guy may have been grooming her and her friends. Predators will spend months or even years in this endeavor, keeping detailed notes on every conversation with every child and slowly finding ways to manipulate or intimidate them into dangerous actions they wouldn’t normally take.</p>
<p>In a situation like this, it’s not inappropriate to contact the local police if the messages are clearly crossing the line. The girl would probably be interviewed, but should understand that she’s not “in trouble” – she’s a victim. If she’s willing, an officer may request her credentials and impersonate her in order to collect evidence and identify the perp. Parents should not try to do this themselves. Defense attorneys can cut the evidence provided by most “parent vigilantes” to ribbons, with the result that the perp walks free and knows who the parents are.</p>
<p>@burningbright: The problem is adults who have a sexual interest in children (or sometimes a financial interest in the children’s parents) and use social networking tools in an effort to take advantage of the children’s naivete. It happens. Sadly, it happens quite a bit.</p>
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<p>older people talking to younger people they do not know on the internet, potentially taking advantage of kids.</p>
<p>“Grooming” the kids as geek-mom mentioned also involves gleaning information about where the kid goes to school and where she lives…which is even more frightening. Easy, with a few seemingly innocent questions and during the course of conversations, for perps to have kids offer such info. Even if a kid is not willing to meet the guy, you don’t want to think what could happen next.</p>
<p>Thank you for the explanations. Things were more simple when I was 14 (not that long ago!) - if somebody weird talked to you on the internet and you didn’t like it, you just didn’t respond or blocked the individual. However, I never posted any identifying information anywhere, ever. If somebody strange were to contact me, they would have no way to stalk me in any productive way, unless I’d disclose my biography myself.</p>
<p>The unfortunate part of facebook is that it takes away the anonymity of the Internet. I also think it’s totally stupid for a 14 y.o. to have a facebook. I have a few cousins of that age - their pictures and status updates make me roll my eyes and raise my eyebrows every once in a while. If such a silly thing (to me) upsets you so much, it seems that a simpler solution is to tell your children to lay off facebook (and myspace) until you feel they’ve acquired common sense, or until you can no longer forbid them from doing whatever they want.</p>
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Yup. Things like the kid’s high school mascot, proximity of a McDonald’s or Burger King, even street signs or recognizable buildings in the backgrounds of photos – very innocuous-sounding things can be compiled to give an exact location. Add blog entries or wall posts that give an indication of when kiddo’s typically home alone (or en route), and the worst-case scenario can become reality.</p>
<p>Or the perp may blackmail a kid with his/her responses to those silly “surveys” they pass around (have you ever drunk, smoked, shoplifted, etc) or lure the kid into an extort-able situation (I’ll tell your parents you’ve been sex-chatting with me) … or scare the kid with disinformation (I have your IP address, I know where you live, I’ll come over and kill your family)… all to get the kid to do something that will turn out awful for the kid (e.g., meet the perp somewhere, possibly with Mom’s jewelry and Dad’s credit cards in hand).</p>
<p>Sadly, it is a scary world out there, and teens’ desire to be noticed (among other teen desires) can work against their best interests. Education and monitoring (as Que sera did) are the best prevention.</p>
<p>Geek_Mom: Thanks for the knowledgeable and informative posts. You provided practical and down to earth responses to the scenario which the OP now finds herself in. I was wondering when someone might mention contacting the police. As hard as it may be for the OP to think about the possible ‘worst case scenarios’, the ‘worst case scenarios’ you describe are all too realistic.</p>