<p>Alwaysamom, speaking for myself and no others on this thread, it’s not that I think she is making a good decision. Rather, given that she is an adult, and she is making this decision, and she can’t be talked out of it, what is the right attitude for Emaheevul to take? I say, be optimistic and act as if it were a good decision-- which includes helping the bride get ready for the new life she is choosing.</p>
<p>Why is there a rule that once you get married you can’t come back?</p>
<p>My first thought was in line with Novelisto. You say she doesn’t have the skills for an adult life - can’t balance a checkbook, doesn’t know how much things cost, etc. So you can’t talk to her about the relationship, but you can help her with skills.</p>
<p>Show her how to use & balance a checkbook. Take her grocery shopping with you. Show her your paycheck (if you have one) with how much is taken out for taxes, Social Security, etc., and how much you’re actually left with from it. I know that’s often the biggest shock for new job holders - the “salary” number isn’t what they actually take home.</p>
<p>Show her how to do laundry, both in a home machine and at the laundromat. Get her a decent cookbook that shows how to make meals cheaply. Teach her how to sew on a button, make coffee, boil water, whatever. </p>
<p>And then you have to sit back and wait. She may surprise everyone. If she doesn’t, perhaps you could be her safety net since obviously your parents won’t be. They sound very controlling, and particularly with their attitude showing towards you, it’s not just because she’s too young & immature. I don’t really wonder that she wants to get out.</p>
<p>PS - Don’t worry about the “wedding” 5 years from now. At 18, five years, married or not, is a long time. Her views about it will change.</p>
<p>My DH was in the military when we met, and because he had to make a decision to re-up or get out, it moved things along faster than “normal” (I was typically in long term relationships). We were engaged sooner that I would have otherwise planned, and married 6 mos after we met. Add to that, we lived more than 2 hrs apart and mostly saw each other on weekends. But, I was 30, almost 31, had a career, and was pretty grounded and self sufficient. That was 27 years ago, and we are still going strong. That said, our circumstances are VERY different from the OP’s sister. It sounds like the OP’s sister is (understandibly) worried that the relationship, if they didn’t marry, would not survive the time and distance apart. Sadly, even if they are married, the outcome could be the same. While I wish them luck, the odds are stacked against them, given all the circumstances described. </p>
<p>If you are close to your sister, emaheevul, sit down with her and ask her to consider marriage counseling before they rush into this. Can you clarify-- if he left in August, is he returning from an assignment or is he on some brief R&R? Have they been dating since August or did you mean April?</p>
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My thoughts exactly.</p>
<p>That’s just the rule in this house, I imagine it’s tradition-- my mom was pregnant and married when she was 18, ultimately she divorced and remarried later and my sister and I are a result of that marriage. If she got divorced, was childless, and was homeless I imagine my mom would bend and let her come back-- but I think she wants us to realize that we can’t just come home and be kids again once we make this decision. The ideology in this family is that once you are married you are your and your husband’s responsibility. And there are no kids allowed in this house. There isn’t ANYWHERE near the room and my parents cant afford it, if there were we would have taken my older sister in when she wanted to leave her husband but it was simply an impossibility. So once she does that, she’s really on her own and I think my mom will hold to that. And this boy smokes, so if she starts she can’t come home without quitting, my mother and I are asthmatic and severely allergic and that’s a deal breaker. This is a non-negotiable no-smoking house.</p>
<p>I guess there’s a ring now, but she’ll only wear it in front of my mother and doesn’t want anyone else to know. My mother is hoping that this means she isn’t for real. She wants to get married like… now. My mom is trying to convince her to wait until his month long leave in Feb so that they’ll have time for a honeymoon (and so she’ll have time for second thoughts), but she’s against that idea because he would be deploying that March. I told my mom I can’t imagine what she must be thinking, and my mom said she told her she is “tired of being alone.” Blows my mind. I mean, I’ve posted about the home life here before in other threads, it is a pretty lonely place, but I can’t imagine what she thinks she’s going to get out of jumping into marriage with a marine-- maybe she just wants a baby out of him, she hasn’t mentioned that but it just makes no sense. He’s not even going to be with her, not RIGHT NOW, and the original plan had been to wait for marriage until he would be. Maybe she’s just tired of the long distance and is itching to cheat, I don’t know.</p>
<p>I might be able to get away with asking her what she thinks about kids, and suggest she talk to our gyn about more effective birth control than she’s on depending on what she says-- she’s on the pill but my mom constantly has to remind her to take it, so that’s all but useless. Whether she wants to get pregnant or not, I imagine she will unless she uses something else.</p>
<p>To clarify the relationship… They started dating officially in August. She knew him before that but only distantly-- mine is the high school with 5500 students, so most of your classmates are complete strangers-- they were distant acquaintances. They started dating and then like a week later he immediately left for basic training. He came back at Christmas time for a couple of weeks, and he just got a few days leave now to come home and take her to the prom. That’s the only time he’s seen her the entire time they’ve been together. The story goes that they dated for a “couple of weeks” a few months prior to them getting together, but that was while she was dating someone else and she says he was verbally abusive and using her for sex, and then they were not speaking or in each others social circle at all until they decided to get together in August. This is why I am not a fan of this relationship. So, all in all, they have been acquainted for a little over a year now, and the relationship has been going on from this past August til now. Which makes it better, but in my opinion minimally-- they have spent not more than a month actually in eachothers presence and most of the time he’s been in the military they have not been in contact at all, and even before he left she barely knew him and what she did know was not good. How do you get to know someone well enough to know that you can live with them when that’s the only way you’ve been together? </p>
<p>She is all in a huff now because she found out I know and she is refusing to tell our father. I don’t know how she doesn’t /feel/ that she is being childish. I am 22 and I still sometimes get that sheepish “I-know-I’m-being-ridiculously-immature” feeling but she appears to be immune. I guess she’s trying to convince boyfriend to tell him real quick before he leaves for the airport. All I can do is shake my head.</p>
<p>She sounds like a good candidate for an IUD or an implant for birth control. I’d suggest those to her-- they’d be easier for her, and reliable.</p>
<p>This is a situation for Norplant–if it still exists–if I ever heard of one.</p>
<p>ucsd<em>ucla</em>dad, The way housing works now is by length of orders. For example, for my husband’s last set of orders during his career, he was attached to Naval Air Station Corpus Christi for three years. Therefore, we were eligible to live on NASCC for three years, no matter how often he deployed or for how long. That way the children can attend the same school, the spouse can keep his/her job and it’s less stressful for the Marine as they know their family is in a stable situation.</p>
<p>Sometimes, families voluntarily give up housing so they can move back home or onto the next duty station if the Marine is going to be gone for a long deployment but it’s not mandatory nor it is even encouraged. The Marine Corps has found stable housing to be a excellent investment in overall morale. Of course, some families choose to live off base (we lived off base more often than on) and they receive a housing allowance. </p>
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<p>It doesn’t change the overall situation (they are too young, don’t know each other well enough, etc.) but at least they will have a roof over their heads, health insurance and neighbors who are in the same boat. The military support system does not do things for you but there are opportunities to help yourself. </p>
<p>I’ve seen couples start off with even less of a chance of success by already having children from previous relationships who made it and I’ve seen couples who had everything going for them crack under the pressure in six months. It’s hard to predict. It won’t be a surprise if things fall apart but since they are going to get married anyway, at least they are going to be part of a community that has good resources.</p>
<p>Just want to say that I am in total agreement with UCSD<em>UCLA</em>DAD (post #13). Although I had recently gotten my Bachelors degree under my belt when, at 22, I married an active duty Air Force guy, also 22, we had a long, hard marriage ahead of us that ultimately ended in divorce 13 years later. Your sister is way too young to be considering marriage, and surely doesn’t even know this guy. The first duty station that my new husband and I had together was in Okinawa. This was the beginning of the end for us. Okinawa was populated with mostly young Marines and they were certainly full of hormones and bravado. This was my first exposure to the Marine Corps and it was most certainly an eye opener for me. The sex industry especially thrives in these foreign countries where our U.S. military bases are located and it’s often hard for any man, but particularly a young, clueless one to resist its temptations. Who knows, maybe your sister and this guy will make it. Looking at their statistics, however, the odds certainly are against them, I believe. I am really saddened to hear all the details you’ve given about the situation.</p>
<p>Your sister is about to enroll in the college course Life 101.</p>
<p>At this point I think she just has to make this mistake, (if it is one). If it helps her grow up then some good came from it.</p>
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This is more of an issue than some of the other things she’ll be facing.</p>
<p>Maybe she views this as her ticket out of her problems. If this Marine really wanted to make a serious attempt at making this marriage work he’d realize she’s not in the right emotional frame of mind right now to make a commitment like this and would make sure they dated for a much longer period of time and allow her to resolve her isues before getting married. </p>
<p>This Marine has some issues also if he’s planning to marry someone he’s only known for a few weeks.</p>
<p>Regardless of the fact that he’s a Marine stationed in a different area and about to be deployed, your sister shouldn’t be marrying anyone right now - especially someone she doesn’t know and who doesn’t know her. If she thinks this can happen in 3 or 4 weeks she’s mistaken. Anyone who marries with that little experience with each other whose marriage succeeds was either very lucky or very tolerant.</p>
<p>If it was my 18 y/o sister I’d try to present her with these practical and real issues and attempt to help her come to reason that this isn’t a good idea to go ahead with now. She can still date him (sort of - given that they won’t actually be there) for a much longer period of time and decide later when the right time should be. If she’s unwilling to do that and insists on expediting this then that’s more evidence that her reason probably isn’t so much marrying him as trying to escape where she is right now.</p>
<p>In the end she’ll do what she wants and likely have a hard time of it or be very lucky and defy the overwhelming odds against this.</p>
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Are you saying he was verbally abusive even before they were officially dating? And he used her for sex? Is this true or is your sister prone to melodrama? If this is true, please sit her butt down and show her some articles on abusive and/or controlling relationships and tell her to PLEASE SLOW DOWN. Abusive, controlling men can shower their partners with affection, or so it seems, but in actuality are dictating their actions and “choices”. Bad bad bad.</p>
<p>My best friend from high school eloped with her Merchant Marine boyfriend and got married by the Justice of the Peace. She had her “real” wedding six months later and I was happy to attend as were many, many other friends. </p>
<p>As for what you do. I think it’s fine to tell her you are worried because you don’t think they know each other well enough yet, but that of course you wish the very best for her.</p>
<p>Having graduated from the school of ‘been there, done that’, I can tell you that she is probably running from her problems and believes the only way out of her situation is to literally move away from home. She probably believes that getting away from your parents and out on her own, will make her happy. More than likely the marriage is just a means to an end (to get away) rather than the end goal. Unfortunately, she’s not emotionally healthy enough to realize that.</p>
<p>Having said that - there’s nothing you can do except be supportive. Nothing wrong with gently laying out your concerns but then let it go. You won’t be able to talk her out of it and all she will do is feel defensive. At the end of the day, we all have to live with the decisions we make and people often learn a lot by having made mistakes. It’s painful to watch someone you love setting out on a course that could end badly but as adults we have the right to make those decisions for ourselves. Good luck. You are sweet (and right) to be concerned but it is highly doubtful that anything you say will change her mind. Just tell her you love her and are concerned about her and if she wants to talk about it, you’re there for her.</p>
<p>My best friend from junior high was married at 18, two weeks after I started college. She had started dating the guy (then enlisted) when she was 15. He was getting shipped to Germany and decided to make it official. He got his BS, became a warrant officer, she had a kiddo at age 20, and they have been married for almost 32 years.</p>
<p>My sister married an E-1 the week after she turned 20. Had a kid, he got out of the military and decided he didn’t want to work. She rant the numbers, realized she’d be better off on welfare, and left him. Had another short-lived marriage (and another kid) after that, got her head together, got a BS in accounting and has her life together. Finally married a guy who works for a living, too.</p>
<p>Emanheevul, I tried to talk my sister into reality, too. Didn’t work. We wound up estranged for years. Not sure I would have done things differently, though. It needed to be said (my parents wouldn’t do it), and at least I knew I had done my best to help her.</p>
<p>My close cousin recently got out of the Marines (two tours in Afghanistan). He was engaged to a young girl (18/19, to his ~22) in college who was absolutely infatuated with him and was already calling him her “hubby” and planning their life together. Thing is, she met him after he was already in the Marines, so rarely got to spend actual time with him.</p>
<p>After he got out, the engagement didn’t last long, sadly. She couldn’t deal with the emotional baggage coming from having close friends blow up in front of his eyes and having to shoot at others who were shooting at him; it wasn’t her perfect idea of her relationship.</p>
<p>Well, it’s official, they’ve even set a date. I am furious beyond all belief because since my fiance and I decided to wait to book a church until we had jobs, now the date I wanted is TAKEN by my SISTER. I had planned to honor my grandparents by marrying on their 60th wedding anniversary, this was openly discussed in the whole family and I asked my grandparents for their permission to do it, and she is planning to get married then instead-- for no particular reason, that’s just what she decided. If I move my date and this wedding doesn’t even happen I am going to have to strangle her. And our family can’t do two weddings in one month, so if I even want to get married that year I have to be the one that breaks the tradition for the first time in 20 years and moves to another month.</p>
<p>I’m getting that “I-know-I’m-being-immature” feeling I mentioned earlier so I probably shouldn’t even be posting, but I can’t help it. I feel like my fiance and I are being punished for making the right choices. I get the shaft because I was the one smart enough to wait. And chances are, if she has to wait a year and a half before she actually goes through with it, she’ll have second thoughts and the wedding won’t happen-- but by then it will be too late and I will have already had to change to a different month. UGH.</p>
<p>If you had openly discussed that date, I would schedule yours then anyway.</p>
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<p>It’s true, I heard him on the phone with her when she came to visit me for siblings weekend last year and it was awful. She knows all that, the reason our mother left her first husband and married our father was because of abuse, and having a good head on our shoulders about that kind of thing is something we have been raised with since birth. But apparently she is “tired of being alone.” She thinks he is an angel. And my mom’s answer is, “well, maybe he wouldn’t have been like that if she hadn’t been a cheater.” You know, I for one think verbal abuse and sexual objectification is unacceptable no matter what the circumstances and that if sister was so terrible he should have just left her and moved on like a reasonable human being, but I am outnumbered here. </p>
<p>At least since she’s taking my wedding day, that means she’s planning a long engagement. They’ll have been together for two and a half years by then. Of course, she won’t actually be WITH him and getting to know him all that time, so she’ll probably continue to idolize him until she moves out to CA and sees for herself what she’s dealing with.</p>
<p>I’m not about to start WWIII over a wedding date, but I /am/ disappointed. The family doesn’t view my engagement as legitimate since we weren’t prepared to book a church immediately-- not because we weren’t committed but because we wanted to get our jobs figured out first so we’d even know what city we’d be in when we wanted to hold the wedding, so I am sure the thought that I would be annoyed hasn’t even occurred to my sister and my mother would shoot me if I make a fuss about it now. She “got there first.” I think that’s completely unfair, but whatever, there isn’t anything I can do about it. I am just going to have to throw the last year of wedding planning in the toilet and start over. My THEME was “family traditions” and now I have to be the one that breaks all the traditions unless I postpone for an entire year.</p>