<p>When I read the first post, I saw a frustrated, concerned parent. I didn’t see the hateful parent that some on this thread are blaming for the son’s situation. I am disappointed to see CC folks piling abuse on someone who came for advice and support.</p>
<p>WhatToDoWithThem, having a child transition back home at any age is tough on everyone. There are mixed feelings - perhaps glad to have the child’s presence back in everyone’s life, but sadness or anger at losing privileges. When my D returned, S had to deal with sharing the car he thought would be all his. I believe these adjustments are all part of being in a family, for good times and bad. Our children aren’t necessarily ready to leave the nest forever just because they have graduated high school. It sounds like your S needs to be back in your home for now. The trick is to set things up so he is able to continue growing into an independent adult.</p>
<p>Ask yourself (and him) what his issues were at college. What will he gain from returning home? Was there anxiety, depression or other psychological causes to address? Does he need to learn organization and study skills? Money management? Your goal should be to identify the skills he is lacking, and set up the contract so that he is learning those skills. I recommend doing this in a collaborative way, rather than a punitive one. Sit down with him, help him figure out what went wrong, and brainstorm rules and structure to help him avoid making the same mistakes. Be explicit that your goal is the same as his: for him to grow into an independent, successful adult. </p>
<p>Some things, such as financial and social contribution to the household, will be set by the parents and non-negotiable. Others, such as finding a therapist or tutor help, can come from your discussion.</p>
<p>Try not to blame him unnecessarily. (If he was partying and being irresponsible in other ways, obviously he is partly responsible.) In any case, don’t beat him up over it. He isn’t the first kid to come home in the first year, and he won’t be the last.</p>
<p>Feel free to PM me if you want to chat about the specifics we worked out with D.</p>