I have been tasked with distributing corsages at several niece’s weddings, and my experience is that most women–especially the grandmothers!–do not want them AT ALL and can be quite definite about it. Maybe they would have been okay with a wrist corsage, but these were the pin-on type.
@oregon101 , I can’t recall whether your D and FSIL are having official attendants or not, or if your D is having a bouquet? My sister, who has 4 daughters and has now done three weddings–one D to go! --and has become quite expert at this has taken to opting for stems of a single flower, sometimes in a different shade per bridesmaid, wrapped in wide ribbon, and the same flower in white for the bride. It looks lovely, it would be easy to do, and they can be stuck in a bucket of water beforehand if the ribbon doesn’t go all the way to the end.
The last wedding they used stock, which comes in a number of soft colors, and it was particularly lovely, but you could do the same thing with any flower that has a decent stem.
My DIL and her sisters did the flowers for her wedding. They made boutonnieres for the guys, the bouquets, and corsages for the moms. I was wearing a lace dress and didn’t want to pin anything on the dress. I think her sisters were a little insulted, even though I took the corsage and told them I’d take it home as a keepsake. If they’d told my their plans before the day of the ceremony, the awkwardness could’ve been avoided.
wow, tussy mussies! I even watched a U Tube . Not for D but really interesting.
Guess I will buy a few flowers and give it a try.
FSIL answered my question right away with , “whatever you think we should do”.
Which actually makes it harder. D has not responded.
All I know for sure is that she wants something seasonal and very simple. She did say she
liked a friends all white on the dinner/reception table. I do not think this will go given the restaurant
but these are things I will figure out and take up with her when she arrives 6 days before the wedding.
Her BFF expressed concern that they are trying to keep it simple but will not have enough of
the little special things that make a small wedding nice. She had 12 at her impromptu wedding
as they cancelled their formal one (issues with her mom) suddenly. BFF wishes she had
thought of music at the park, for example. I did mention this to D and they are asking their friends
if anyone plays a guitar. We can hire someone but then we are talking about a need for at most 45 minutes.
I had nosegays for both kids’ weddings. The florist had little vases placed on the cake table to hold the bridesmaids’ and mothers’ flowers during the reception. Saved a little by having double duty flowers!
I just saw on the news that Alfred Angelo Bridals has gone bankrupt; hopefully no one has ordered a gown or bridesmaid dresses from there Sounds like there was no notice of the closing!
His family finally agreed to my choice of venue, but it wasn't easy. They called the venue and spoke to multiple people, the head chef, the head of catering, the banquet manager, and finally my fiance called me last night and said we're good to go.
Apparently all these extra Persians beyond the 100-125 my parents are paying for are really not negotiable. Fiance says that they're his family and they need to be there, so he'll pay for them out of his own savings. I'm not really thrilled about that since his savings are going to be our savings, but I guess I can't tell him that he can't invite his family.
My mom just called his mom to make sure she's okay with this venue before we book it, and it was a totally different conversation than "we're good to go." She says that none of them like this place and my fiance doesn't like this place, he's just trying to make me happy. He avoids conflicts so he doesn't want to cause a problem but he had his heart set on the Persian place but "we know you[my mom], your husband, and Rebecca prefer this venue, so I guess there's nothing we can do." ~X(
I left a message with the venue saying we want to book it, but now I’m feeling all defeated. Like what’s the point of spending all this money if they’re not going to be happy with it. And my fiance is assuring me that he wants this place, but I can’t stop thinking about the things that he had reservations about. The biggest issue for him is that it’s a country club, so members will be in the outdoor pool until 5PM and our cocktail hour is starting at 4, and also that they have 3 ballrooms so there will probably be 3 weddings going on at the same time. I mean, I’d prefer if we had the whole place to ourselves, but I’m assuming it’s not a huge deal.
@rebeccar, if you are not going to be happy with your wedding, then you and your fiancé really need to speak openly and honestly about how you want to handle this. I can tell you that my H is not thrilled with some decisions made regarding venue, hotel, and many other things for our S’s wedding, but he has kept his feelings to himself for the most part. Our guests are limited (really limited - like 35 family and 10 friends) and it’s not a matter of money, on either side. They wanted a smallish wedding and chose a venue that would insure that it stayed that way. My S has no idea, nor will he…ever. Does your fiancé know the level of stress and difficulty this is all causing you and your family? Even if they “go along” with the venue of your choice, you know they will not be happy, and if your fiancé pays for all the “extras” beyond the invitations your family has offered his family, this wedding is going to become something neither you nor your parents will recognize. This is not a bridezilla moment - this is your wedding and you deserve to be happy about it.
What do your parents say about all this? Why do his parents have veto power over plans for a wedding your parents are paying for? Why do they have this much power? Are your parents reallly going to let your fiance pay for the extra guests? Or just end up giving your future in-laws exactly what they wanted in the first place and spending way beyond the very generous budget already offered? Remembering that the in-laws have offered to pay for nothing.
If you were my child, I would want you to postpone this wedding. Not break up, just not go on with all this stress at this point in time. Live together and save your money for the time being. Please do not let his parents dicate your life choices.
adding: in the past you have asked for the opinions of others. If you are only venting now, just let us know. I am worried about giving unsolicited advice.
I had a version of these in-laws. It is difficult. Good luck and hugs!!
@rebeccar - your fiance is being pushed and pulled around as much as you are. Maybe even more.
It’s possible he downplayed his acceptance of the country club to soothe his parents. If so, that has backfired in his mother’s telling you about it.
It’s possible he has a few reservations, but so what? Who doesn’t have a few reservations about any wedding venue? It seems unavoidable with the pushy family he has to deal with that he won’t be able to think all that clearly.
How many extra Persians (funny phrase…) will there be? How expensive overall? I would be just appalled if someone pushed that on me but I can see his point about not wanting to leave out Aunt Milly or whoever.
How diabolical do you want to be? I would consider putting it in front of MIL. Since we have to pay $1000 for Aunt Milly and her kids we will just have to cancel having the … that everyone (YOU) really wanted (INSISTED ON).
OK, I DON’T suggest doing that ^^^ but you can have fun venting about it here, or with friends. Discrete friends.
Seriously, his family sounds so very difficult. I am so sorry you have to deal with them. Sit down with your fiancé and think about what is most important to you both and do your best to strategize.
A wedding is one thing, but there is the rest of your married life to consider too.
Feel free to give advice! I’m at the point where this isn’t even mildly amusing anymore, it’s just really depressing.
My parents are annoyed. They don’t understand why, for people who aren’t contributing, they are trying to have so much say. My mom is upset because she called his mom as a courtesy but instead had to listen to things like “he’s such a great guy, he just wants Rebecca to be happy but he actually doesn’t want this place.”
My parents don’t want my fiance to dip into his savings but they also can’t afford beyond the 250 people (and band and photographer and florist etc) so there’s not much else to do if he says he wants all these family members to be there. The whole point of my parents paying for this huge wedding was so he and I could save our money, but he says I knew from the beginning he had a huge family. We are both frugal and good savers so this won’t be a huge impact on our future or anything - he had put aside about 30k just for a wedding, not knowing how much my parents would be putting in. His parents say if he pays for about 50 people, they’ll pay for the remaining 50 more, but I have sincere doubts about that since from the beginning, they told us they didn’t have a dime to contribute and that “[fiance] will just have to use his savings” so they certainly have no qualms about coming after him for the money. Again, I’m not thrilled, but it is his family, and if he says he wants them there (him, not his parents) then it’s not my hill to die on.
Living together before marriage isn’t an option - we both come from religious Jewish families and neither of us would want to, even without the family hassle it’d cause. We’ve been together 6 years, 7 by the time we get married, and we’re ready to do this. We both have stable well-paying jobs and these issues wouldn’t go away if we postponed.
Also, a few people have suggested doing a smaller backyard type wedding, which we wouldn’t want to do. Everyone - me, him, both sets of parents - would be unhappy with that. We have the money for a nice wedding and if anyone is familiar with the typical Long Island Jewish events, it’s what the culture here is, and I don’t want to sound like a spoiled bridezilla but I do want the full experience. The worst case for me would be having to give up the dream “fancy” wedding for no real reason other than making a stand to his parents.
Thanks again for all the wisdom. It means a lot to know I have people “on my side” and that I can vent here.
@rebeccar -If you have reservations about the country club layout, go there this weekend at 4:00 and see how the pool guests and simultaneous weddings coexist. Dress nicely and just blend into the background and observe.
Just a final thought - my mom seems to think (and her instincts are usually spot on) that his parents would be unhappy with anything except for their venue because to do it anywhere else would reveal that they’re not paying. All the Persians in their community do it at that venue, and traditionally it is always the groom’s side that pays, so I think they’re bracing for having to indirectly admit that the venue choice wasn’t up to them. But I just spoke to my fiance and he assures me it’s really, really fine and he’s very happy with our venue. I’m just so happy my parents are being so great. They keep reassuring me that they understand where his parents are coming from even if they’re not expressing themselves in the best way, and that they feel very bad that my fiance is in the middle of this, and that they just want me and him to be happy.
It’s just so hard to believe it’s only been like two weeks of planning!!! This better be when things start to get enjoyable!
This is all a bit ridiculous to me. I would tell the groom’s family that they are allowed to invite X number of people and that’s it. So what if they get mad at you. I have a feeling they will be mad at you for most of their lives. You are going to decide how you are going to react to them. I think you are going to be miserable if you have to give in to them all the time.
My younger daughter would say, “You are not just marrying the person, you are marrying THE family.” My (extended)family can be difficult, so all of those young nieces/nephews bring their potential SOs to meet us very early on to see if they could take THE family.
@rebeccar I am telling you what I told my D when she was with her ex and he had a very challenging family. This is not going to get better, it’s only going to get worse.
You and your family are getting played like a violin. They are being very manipulative and controlling. They want everything. And they are counting on you to be the obedient FDIL and do what they want.
And I call horse pucky on them not being able to pay anything. It’s another part of the plan.
If your future H is strong, I certainly hope so. My D’s ex was not.
At an early point in the planning process, I tried to sell my daughter on the idea of a tea-length dress. Some of the nicest tea-length styles that I showed her were from Alfred Angelo. Fortunately, as it turns out, she insisted on a floor-length dress and ended up buying it at a store that didn’t even carry the Alfred Angelo line.
I’ll say this, with the caveat that it’s your wedding, not mine. And sorry to speak here as a mom…
“…what’s the point of spending all this money if they’re not going to be happy with it?”
Them? Rebeccar, this isn’t their party. Not as the focal point or honorees and not as hosts. All this bending over backwards to ensure his parents are happy is misplaced. It’s as if someone thinks there’s some point at which it’ll all be nicey nicey and happy and the in laws will stop this manipulation.
But each step you, your parents or your finacee try to satisfy them (and I mean “give in”) is handing them this control. It’s authorizing them.
This isn’t a case where your parents are putting in 25k (whatever) and so are they, so they get a vote. Where they want something garish or weird, but hey, it’s their custom and their contribution.
It’s all them demanding and conniving, speaking behind your fiancee’s back, too. It doesn’t help that your fiance is giving in to them. You’re clearly unhappy. Do you see how everyone is pussyfooting around them and ceding control to them?
What’s next?
No, I don’t think there’s an easy out. But you, your mom, and your fiance need to see how you’re acquiescing.
Alh, I don’t know why I got at singled out. I appreciate the posts from you and Oldfort and others. But since you asked, I would tell future MIL that she is so u nhappy with our venue, and willing to let her son drain his savings, so we decided to get married in a Rabbi’s study.
If I was Rebeccar,s mom, I would send an email saying that I was upset with our last conversation. I would note that we were doubling our budget to accommodate their enormous family, but that was not enough to,please them. I would add that their son seems to be trying to,please everyone (forfeiting his money, agreeing to the CC venue), and I would not like my daughter to enter into a life time commitment to someone who was trying to,please everyone but himself. I would want both my DD and my fsil to have a wedding of their dreams. As this is not currently possible, they will commit to each other in front of G-d, their Rabbi, and any immediate family who want to be present in the Rabbi’s study.
I know I sound harsh, but Rebeccar and her lovely parents cannot win against these people.
I have a lot more to say, but I await a response from Rebeccar.
Speaking of nosegays, how charming are these mini tussy mussies?
Sounds like there was no notice of the closing!