I don’t think there’s a set rule on having B or G’s siblings in the wedding party. (That being said, I was very happy when my D & SIL chose to do that). Can siblings be readers or ushers or greeters?
My D had plus ones for those who were in serious/live in relationships. She, too, did not want (or have room for) strangers at their wedding. Their guideline was that she and SIL had to have at least met the plus one.
Elderly relatives: we had a number that were invited…knowing full well that they wouldn’t be attending due to age or distance, but they were delighted to be invited.
For plus ones…we are only inviting plus ones who are living with or are engaged to the guest.
We are inviting our elderly relatives…but there is only one who won’t be able to attend. She is a favorite aunt…so most definitely is on the guest list.
We are inviting aunts and uncles, and first cousins…but we are NOT inviting the kids of the first cousins. First…that’s where we drew our line in the sand…and second…those kids are all very young children…and this is an evening event…no kids (2 exceptions…SFIL nephew, and our great nephew).
DD and FSIL are not inviting people who they don’t know…so no work acquaintances of either parents…no distant relatives they haven’t both met (not really an issue), no pay back invites (you know…the ones where someone is invited because the parents went to their kid’s wedding).
Even with those guidelines, we are inviting about 30 more people than we originally thought.
@mom60 … my D is engaged to be married Oct 2019 and we are beginning to look at venues. She wants her wedding in the San Luis Obispo area. Here, too, the venues are asking $8-$10k for a vineyard or rustic ranch setting. I feel that is a lot to pay for essentially a non working barn and for people to sit on bales of hay. My D and I discussed the fact that California is in a severe drought and the scenery is not that pretty. The hills are brown and everything is dry and brittle. We are looking at hotels or golf courses and sometimes the city you want your venue at has historical venues that can be leased for weddings. We were looking at vineyards in Oct and by that time the grapes have been picked and the leaves are brown. So unless your D is having a late spring or summer wedding, that’s something to think about. It’s sad, but I feel the owners of these ranches and vineyards are gouging people by their exorbitant prices.
@Chumom -she is also looking at venues in the Santa Ynez valley which is closer to my home. She has a few she liked the looks of in SLO but they are as much as Santa Ynez and it’s a two hour drive. Our plan is May 2019. She doesn’t want a hotel or golf course.
@mom60 - my D looked at “rustic” venues and they were all very expensive. I think they are just popular now and there’s a bit of The Emporer’s New Clothes going on, at least regarding the price.
For a long time, affordable wedding venues were all indoor and moving things to a barn, farm, or vineyard seemed both scenic, different, and affordable. Affordable has gone away! $10,000 or more just to rent a place that has no climate controlled room, no good bathroom (or any bathroom), and includes no services except use of electricity is just crazy.
@thumper1 , thank you. I know they will invite plus ones for engaged/living together couples, plus a few long standing relationships who aren’t living together for religious reasons.
What you said about cousins is very helpful. I am close to one of my first cousins and somewhat close to her brother, but that’s it. I really don’t feel it’s necessary to invite the rest, and certainly not their kids, but i do have some second thoughts. (We went to these other cousins’ weddings; but there were 500 people there!)
But I recall suffering through several weddings when I was in my 20s where the bride’s unmarried friends had no one to dance with and generally felt like a fifth wheel. People I was seated with who were married wouldn’t even TALK to us at one of them. For that reason I abhor the idea of the wedding party head table, where everyone is separated from their SOs.
So it can be a question of whether you want your friends to have a good time. A lot of people are uncouth, frankly, and seem to have no idea of carrying their weight in such a social situation.
We had a very small wedding, only 50 people, with a mix of “coupled” and single friends. We dealt with it on a case by case basis. I invited my small and close department from work–4 people–and they came together, without SOs. One single female friend chose to bring a date, another didn’t. It all worked out.
I don’t think that a bride should be expected to have her future SILs as bridesmaids, or groom/groomsmen. If they want to, fine. But being “hurt” because the bride didn’t ditch her best friends doesn’t make much sense to me. Better to have attendants w/o regard to gender, IMHO. That’s a great idea.
I’m a bit traditionalist, in that a wedding is about sharing the celebration of the union itself. Not who has a full dance card. Kids dance together if they want to dance. There’s no rule it’s only the date you came with. And especially when it’s a wedding that needs limits on the total number or else closer family and friends need to be omitted.
The difference in a +1 when friends are already a committed couple, is respect for that relationship. They’re a two-fer of sorts.
Imagine telling true close friends, sorry, but the college friends wanted to bring dates to dance with.
Decide what is driving your decision - are you picking the venue and need to stick to number or are you developing guest list and then finding location for that many or is budget putting limits on both. Recent family weddings have invited plus ones only when serious relationship (married, engaged, long term). MOB contacted family and asked if our children had significant relationships. I think age has something to do with it - for our family weddings the kids who were further out from college has more defined friend group. The close-to-right-out-of-college nieces had more friends angling for plus one invites.
I also think a wedding is more about getting married and less about a party.
One of the less desirable aspects of my daughter’s smallish wedding was that there weren’t any unattached young women present, but there were quite a few unattached men. It just happened that way – none of the single women who were invited to the wedding accepted the invitation, but almost all of the single men did.
There was not as much dancing as we might have hoped for, and some of the young male guests looked very bored.
Perhaps it would have been better if some of the single men had been offered plus ones, but the venue had a limit on numbers, and the problem couldn’t have been anticipated before the RSVPs came in.
I agree with those who say that a wedding is mostly about the couple getting married, not about having a party, but still, the party part costs a bundle, and it would be nice if people could enjoy it.
For D’s wedding, guests will be traveling from all across the country. They are going to the expense of air tickets and hotel. I would feel like a poor host if it weren’t a good party. So if people want to bring their plus ones and make a mini-vacation out of it, I won’t object. My feeling is that if D and groom just wanted to be married, they could have gone to city hall or the county courthouse. But wanting a wedding with a reception it becomes more about being a good host at a party than about the marriage itself.
Whatever happened to the good ol’ days where everybody got married in a church complete with bathrooms and electricity? Around here, people rented a church even if they were not members of that church or were not even religious. Nobody would have thought about renting a barn!
My D and her fiance don’t want to be king and queen for a day and dislike the idea of a head table or any place cards. (They are doing a brunch buffet.) @musicmom1215 , the wedding is in a church, but the reception will be elsewhere, and yes, a barn is under consideration! I’m still pushing for the contra dancing thing, but it’s not my wedding.
@Consolation , what you said about some adults not knowing how to carry their social weight is so true. I’ve been utterly astonished by the inability of some adults to make an attempt to converse with strangers. I recall a horrible wedding like that (one of those dreadful, uptight WASP weddings with way too much booze and terrible food) where I only knew my plus one and the bride. We left as soon as it seemed decent.
One if the weddings I attended had the partners of the wedding attendants sit with the Wedding party for the Reception. Of course that meant that the head table was huge but it seemed to work out well, as most of the attendantswere martied or engages.
But it is funny.