I agree that a seated dinner does not limit the ability of guests to mingle. I actually think a buffet takes more time to serve (depending on the size of the wedding) and that can limit time to dance, mingle etc. Also, if I were invited to a wedding that began at that hour i would expect dinner, unless it was clearly stated otherwise on the invitation. Given that people have to travel, and either face a long drive home or a hotel stay, I’d try to convince F and his parents that you feel the need to provide for an evening…not just a cocktail reception. In my experience (and it’s just that, one data point), without some sort of formal meal (buffet or plated) and enough seating for all, guests (especially older guests) tend to leave earlier than they might in other circumstances.
@Chumom…heavy apps will be more expensive than a buffet or sit down…and less satisfying/filling. I agree with those who point out it’s a pain to hold a drink, plate, etc. and since most appetizers are finger food, lots of cocktail napkins are needed. Why are F and his parents the decision makers on this?
I wonder if the F and parents are not just not cognizant. They may be a bit judgemental on this with other people, and it could be a passive-aggressive thing. Of course they aren’t going to say so.
Assuming you are paying at least some of the cost, I’d tell them either serve a buffet meal or change the time of the wedding. We got married at 7 pm, so our reception was appetizers and cake. It would be easy to say “reception with drinks & appetizers” on the invite if you did it at a time so the reception doesn’t fall at a mealtime. As MOB who lives far away and isn’t super involved with planning, I’ve avoided dictating much. But I’d step in on this.
Imo, you can’t ask people to drive that far (and possibly be driving back) and not feed them properly at a meal time, especially if there’ll be any drinking. You want them happy, not just the groom’s parents. Even at the best run (non wedding) events, you often find yourself looking for a server and none are around. They’re on the other side of the room or in the kitchen refilling those small trays.
You can move it up to 1pm, be done by 5, limit alcohol to the toast. Or keep the time and also have a buffet somewhere on the side with heavier small plate foods. (Not the carving station and the button potatoes that roll off a plate while you’re standing, lol.) The business of how people mingle is a separate social decision. It’s good to have to have chairs for people. And a place near those chairs to set down a plate and drink.
Who is paying for this wedding? If you, as parents of the bride, are paying, then you really should be making this decision with your daughter and her fiancé. The new inlaws opinions can be considered…but that’s it, in my opinion, if parents of the bride are paying most of the costs.
We went to a wedding like this…it was a close friend and we didn’t need to spend the night. Heavy on the appetizers, and no alcohol (didn’t matter to me as I wouldn’t have it anyway). Everyone drove at least two hours to get there. A group of us went out to dinner on our way home. Really…an appetizer wedding doesn’t last very long.
Another couple we know really wanted a certain venue but it was too costly for a dinner time meal. They had their wedding at 11 in the morning with an amazing brunch reception with buffet, and waffle and omelet stations. By the time everyone ate, we had dancing…cake was served about 2. It was really nice, and fit their budget. Almost everyone was out of town guests for this one too. It was one of the best wedding receptions I ever attended.
When we got married (eons ago) it was actually cheaper to do a sit down meal than buffet. They had to stock the buffet with enough of everything for the crowd, even the heartiest eaters. for sit down there was set menu and portion controlled food.
Dinner is definitely expected at that time of day. There are great catering options these days - food stations, food trucks - if they want mingling, these options would allow for that.
There should also be plenty of seating options available. Coming in from out of town does tend to lead to fatigue by dinner time. We attended an appetizer-only reception a couple years ago, which was fine … we knew it was app-only, and it took place at 7 pm. We didn’t eat in advance, figuring we could always go somewhere afterwards if we were still hungry. The issue for us was that we were really tired by the time the event rolled around - we had driven 7 hours the day before and did some sightseeing the evening before/day of (it was in a city, so we couldn’t resist). There were not many chairs to be had, and we ended up leaving early because we really just needed to sit down.
D2’s wedding had passed hors d’oeuvres and a buffet. It is particularly nice to have a good variety of passed appetizers at the beginning when everyone is first mingling, having drinks, etc. You could eat them in one or two bites and still hold your beverage. There were tables, but smaller ones scattered here and there and enough for everybody. It worked out well.
There were some “tall boy” tables and I ended up eating at one. Easier to not sit with my dress, and I was full of energy the whole time. I preferred not to have a sit down meal and it worked out well for that venue as we didn’t want to crowd the place with too many large tables.
But definitely provide enough food no matter how you do it!
I would push for a meal. I have been to a few events that were just appetizers and everyone leaves grumbling. I would not want my guests feeling the need to search for a restaurant after my event because they are hungry. The one wedding it worked at was an older couple friend who had a short wedding. Appetizers and wine first, short ceremony and Cake and cupcakes after the ceremony. That was a 2-5 wedding. They had music but no dancing.
For my D’s wedding the caterer quote was plated meal is less expensive for the actual food but the service costs are higher. Buffet needs more food but they can staff lighter and it comes in under the total cost of plated.
“There are great catering options these days - food stations, food trucks - if they want mingling, these options would allow for that.”
My suggestion as well would be to do food stations. You could serve a full meal but food stations, ala a nice hotel buffet, gets people mingling and also helps avoid the long buffet lines. It also fits the more contemporary small plates, grazing trends with a variety of foods while allowing for more hearty eating than just appetizers.
Some 40 years ago, DH and I opted for a ‘continuous cocktail hour’.
We did have assigned seating, and there were some things on a buffet table
(including a carving station) as well as many passed hors d’ourves.
This allowed folks to get up and mingle and/or eat at any time during the 3-4 hours of food service.
My parents were concerned (though H and I were paying so couldn’t overrule) but received many complements after on the availability of food.
Thanks all for the comments. I’m on the same page as everyone else. Just need to tell my daughter my thoughts and let it go from there. Everyone is helping to pay for the wedding, so I don’t have veto power. I don’t think daughter is on board with the appetizer reception either. TBH, I think his parents think this might be a less expensive option, but in reality I think it will be more expensive than a sit down dinner. My feeling is the dinner is a small, but important part of the reception. People can mingle during the cocktail hour and after dinner.
Also, I don’t want to be THAT mom. The overbearing, obtrusive mom you see on tv. I want to help my daughter make decisions, but not make them for her. I don’t want to be part of the stress during her wedding planning.
Assume they have a reason for picking a place so far away, and if so they have a reason for wanting the time and the meal/appetizer decision. One of the reasons is they don’t want people to attend to have the typical wedding experience of a wedding hall, dinner, and dancing. They want what they want.
Many years ago, my brother and his wife had their reception at my parents (very very small) house with a big yard. Their friends prepared all the food, and since they all worked at a 5 Star restaurant, it was pretty good, mostly cold buffet type stuff, but looked great. Bride’s father came but saw that there was ‘no food’ and he left. He was very old, but really, he couldn’t even stay a reasonable amount of time for his daughter. One of more of her brothers had to take the old man to a sit down lunch somewhere. They never returned to the party.
Everyone else seemed fine with the food offerings. Go to a wedding if you want to celebrate with the bride and groom, but don’t expect anything.
I’ve been to a couple of weddings lately, at night, and the food was cold sandwiches and fruit, those little lemon cakes (I LOVE those), wedding cake. One had alcohol, one didn’t. Both were lovely.
Agree with all said.
I do think the timing and having the options with the size of party - we had people travel in from about 100 mile radius. All but immediate families drove in the morning, and almost all drove home later that night.
You want to fit what is right for the couple and the guests.
It sounds like the couple may have enough resilience to work the issues through. Have the parents of the bride and groom decided on an amount of money to spend? I am all for the wedding couple having the budget/money and they make the decisions within reason.
I like the idea of a meal at a wedding. I went to a wedding last year that served each table family style. It was really good. My daughter (who has been to quite a few weddings lately) said that seems to be a trend.
It doesn’t bode well if your D doesn’t want this, but isn’t standing up for herself. Maybe it would be easier for her if you DID insist. I’d assume a lot of the guests are your friends, and you want them to have a good time.
Along those lines, if it was me I’d ask my daughter, “What do YOU the bride want? And if it isn’t what the fiance’s parents want, do you want me to play the heavy to make it happen?” Maybe she wants support, maybe not but it is worth asking, IMO.
Is the idea a dry reception? If they want to serve alcohol, enough food is needed. If some guests are driving back 3-5 hours, all the more reason to make sure they get enough to eat.
Maybe the passsd appetizer part really is substantial and runs the major part of the reception. But then (some of) the same foods are set out buffet style, later, for people who want to serve themselves more. A compromise? But it sounds tough to plan how much, for later.
Thanks again for all the input. I can’t really talk to my D now because she is on travel for work. She just told me this in a phone call yesterday while she was waiting for things to be set up.
When we do have a chance to talk, I’ll go over a lot of the pros and cons everyone has pointed out. I like all the ideas. Sit down, buffet, food stations. I even like the appetizer one if her time-line was different.
I have been to work receptions for conferences that were appetizers and drinks. The appetizers were substantial, all food groups and passed frequently. When I left I did not want any dinner. So it could be like that.