<p>OP, you have my sympathy, as does your son. Of course you are devastated. You want to avoid making plans of any sort right now — give yourself a week to grieve and ponder. Try not to disasterize things ( I got this advice when our 23 y.o. had similar circumstances. I ignored it!) </p>
<p>Concrete actions after that would be conversations as a family: what kind of treatment does he think would be helpful to try? what kind of things is he good at? what hasn’t helped? Your role is to be strong, steady, and set a tone of optimism. No accusations or hindsight. He needs to hear that his life is not over nor are you ashamed — even if he seems oblivious, he isn’t. Hug him often. Make him get up, give him useful contributions to the household. Find him a volunteer position or place to connect. Get him out in the world. ADHD plus depression means expecting him to follow through is unrealistic, so ignore the “tough love” people and have a compassionate heart and bridge those gaps. </p>
<p>Have a statement in your head for the questions: “he’s home for now” or “his plans have changed” or “he’s having a rough spot, we appreciate your prayers/concerns”. After you all feel a little more stable, THEN it’s time to think about education. A good online class is what we tried first. Then a couple. Then enrollment in distance ed…think baby steps. You don’t need a long term plan now. </p>
<p>It can be okay. I have been here, and it really can be okay. Just hang on, and don’t forget that he needs you now more than he may be able to tell you. (and again, it’s normal to feel angry, horrified, and panicked) . Feel free to pm when tou need to. </p>