<p>@shellfell-yes, I did the computer calligraphy for younger sons’ B’nai Mitzvot, so I knew I needed some “breathing room.” They are handling the reception insofar as they are paying for the food and venue. We are paying for everything else surrounding the actual wedding-ceremony music, flowers, photographer, band at the reception, etc. At the “out-of-towners” dinner (we don’t call it a rehearsal dinner since it isn’t surrounding a rehearsal of any sort, and I don’t think that rehearsal dinners are a Jewish tradition ) we are trying to make it “seem” more casual than the wedding reception, as we would expect jacket & tie for the men at the wedding, but I will probably write “casual” on the invite for the Saturday evening dinner. I would expect people to be dressed in “a step up from jeans,” sort of business casual without the sport jacket. We will also do the Saturday dinner as a buffet to make it “seem” more casual than the sit down on Sunday. In reality, the food we will serve on Saturday will be more plentiful with a wider selection than what will be available at the wedding, but after much soul-searching, DH and I decided to make the dinner what we wanted without going “over the top.” It will not overshadow the wedding.</p>
<p>All of our guests are coming from out-of-town, most flying from coast-to-coast, and we believe that it is important to cater to them as much as possible, and make things as easy as possible for them. We know that it is a huge expense for our guests and truly appreciate their efforts. We are also transporting everyone staying at the host hotel to and from the dinner on Saturday and to and from the wedding on Sunday.</p>
<p>Yep- not a regional thing. A friend’s daughter is being married mid August in Seattle and they have reserved a block of rooms at a downtown hotel, are providing transportation, serving alcohol including a cocktail hour between the wedding and reception dinner and an event the night before for out of town guests. The issues that they have encountered seem to be somewhat similar to your in the ‘who is paying for what’ domain. Father of groom wanted small rehearsal dinner and mother of bride wanted to include out of town family so as not to split families and make the weekend events “worth” the travel. She had offered to pay for the difference which was shot down. It turned out to be a pride thing and a difference of taste. In the end, she is hosting an event AFTER the rehearsal dinner that includes everyone. </p>
<p>I love the wedding threads and have been following yours with interest.<br>
It was quite an eye opener as thread participants learned about different customs.* absolutely agree : )</p>
<p>So … in my culture of origin, and current social circle, it is never in bad taste, at any occasion, not to serve alcohol. It would be in bad taste for guests to question that decision. No one is owed an explanation. Asking is rude. Similarly, it would also be in bad taste for guests who don’t imbibe to question the serving of alcohol by hosts who do.</p>
<p>In my world, it is the norm for the bride’s family to send out the invitations after receiving a guest list from the groom’s parents. However, in my world it is the norm for the bride’s family to host and pay for the wedding. If I remember correctly the bride’s family intended to host the wedding and set a budget that you and your husband thought was “magical thinking” and the bride and groom asked you to contribute. When you agreed to contribute, everything becomes “out of norm” imho. If, when you contributed, you also became involved in planning, that is also “out of norm” If I understood correctly, the bride’s parents were planning a much smaller event than you felt appropriate. It seems to me it all gets complicated once we start tossing the rules without a sit down to work out a new set of parameters everyone agrees upon. Maybe there was a meeting of the minds about all this beforehand? During your last thread it seemed like all communication was through the “children” and that makes me uncomfortable. Of course, we are only seeing a small part of what is happening and this is a place to vent and blow off steam… Too bad this has been so stressful for you.</p>
<p>I am still having great difficulty with a night-before-the-wedding party that includes all but 10% of the wedding guests, but from the other thread remember there are strong arguments in favor of that arrangement. Is your guest list much larger than that of the bride’s family? How does the list break down between your guests, their guests, kids’ guests? I start to wonder if that has some bearing on why they just gave you the invitations to deal with? Also, is the guest list larger, perhaps much larger than they originally planned?</p>
<p>anyway, thanks for the update. And I hope everyone has a great time!</p>
<p>@alh-I think this may simply be an issue of the other family having no experience with the costs of a wedding, even if done on a somewhat frugal level. This was not a case of the bride’s parents planning a much smaller event than we deemed “appropriate.” They picked a venue which can hold “x” amount of guests comfortably. They do have a significantly smaller number of guests being invited than we do. I do not know the exact reason for this other than I think we have a much wider family circle and a significantly larger group of close friends. We were asked to scale back our number, which we did. I had to eliminate couples for the sole reason that I knew they wouldn’t find out who else was being invited to the wedding. This was very difficult as this eliminated people such as my “oldest” friend in terms of how long we have known each other. But, I absolutely acceded to their wishes as soon as we were asked.</p>
<p>Although we have contributed significantly to the cost of this affair, we have had zero input into the planning, other than being permitted to buy wine and have it served at the cocktail hour. Basically, we have functioned as an ATM. You are correct about most of the communication being done through the kids. They are both in their late 20’s and seemed to want to act as intermediaries for reasons unknown to me. Most recently when this came up again, I asked my son if what I was asking was then going to be asked of my FDIL and then she would ask her parents. I finally said “no” to this and there was no reason why I couldn’t just ask the harmless question (it was about getting some email addresses for their side of the family) so I contacted the FMIL for the info. No problems.</p>
<p>I am trying very hard to make sure that I don’t add any stress to the future bride and groom’s lives.</p>
The younger generation is not very good with etiquette, often (not saying this is the case with your family specifically, but in general much of etiquette such as RSVPing has gone by the wayside). So maybe by including grown kids on their parents’ invitations there is a better chance of getting a response.</p>
<p>Also, OP, if you have to purchase stamps for the square envelopes, remember that they require more postage.</p>
<p>OP, if some of the guests are local and you want them to be dressed somewhat nicely but casual at the dinner, please be aware that “casual” in Seattle means really, really casual by the east coast standards (think shorts, aloha shirts, ratty but clean tees, flip flops). </p>
<p>I can sympathize with you, momof3sons. We’re about a year behind you in planning, except in our case, S and FDIL are planning and paying for the wedding themselves. They are adamant about paying for everything. The bride’s family can’t contribute, and they won’t accept any help from us. I suppose that’s better than feeling like an ATM. They’re fine with us paying for the rehearsal dinner (I agree that terminology seems strange to me coming from a Jewish background). In our case, though, the wedding reception will be a buffet and the dress code is unlikely to be formal, so I’m still not sure how to distinguish the rehearsal dinner from the reception. And like you, we’ll likely be choosing a venue for the rehearsal dinner sight unseen. Fortunately, I have time to figure that all out.</p>
<p>And I’m also trying not to add to their stress, especially with S finishing his PhD in the next few months and interviewing for post-docs. </p>
<p>Really? All these decisions are being made by the “bride’s family?” Where are the bride and the groom? Surely they are the ones making the decisions ? How old are they anyway? They seem to be acting like infants if mommy of the groom has to do all this work and planning and hosting. And “bride’s family” is making decisions about venue and menu. It sounds very strange to me, I’m just glad my daughter and future sil are making their own decisions, sending out their own invites, making their own menu and venue decisions. I’m just waiting to be told where to show up and when and what they want me to wear.</p>
<p>Well I got married in the 1980’s but I was taught that the Bride was the one who addressed and sent out all the invitations. The only thing I can think of that’s good about you sending them out is that you know they are getting sent out. One of my MIL’s friends never got her invitation and MIL always assumed I ‘forgot’ to send her one…(I ended up sending a second one) However I know I didn’t forget to send one because I addressed the thank you card envelopes at the same time and put them in alphabetical order so that I could send out any thank you’s soon after the wedding. My mom got quite a few complements on how nice it was to get a thank you so quickly!</p>
<p>Did you send the bride a list with the addresses? I assume your DS and his wife will be the ones sending out any thank yous.</p>
<p>@CTTC-thanks for the heads up re: the stamp cost. Actually purchased the stamps I wanted at the P.O. this morning. Since the bride’s family will not see what I am sending out, they won’t realize that the wedding stamp they picked is not the one I picked. ;)</p>
<p>@PhotoOP- when I say “the bride’s family,” I am including the bride. The bride and her family picked out the venue, although my S “went along for the ride.” The bride’s family picked the caterer. (Remember that our family lives on the other side of the country.) The bride and groom did make the decision about the flowers, the ceremony music, the photographer and the band. Then, the future groom came to the ATM to pay for those things. ;)</p>
<p>The groom’s “mommy” is only doing all the work for the things she can control, meaning the Saturday evening dinner for all the out-of-town guests as well as the Monday morning breakfast for those staying at the host hotel.</p>
<p>@BunsenBurner-guests invited to the Saturday evening dinner, other than the bride’s immediate family, will be from out of the area, but I have been thinking about defining the appropriate dress as “Business Casual minus the jacket & tie.” </p>
<p>@shellfell One of the really interesting things about who is paying for what is that my son was very willing to chip in to help pay for this. He is fortunate to have a very good job. But, his future bride would not permit him to do this, reasoning that they would need the money he is making now in a joint account once they got married. </p>
<p>@MichiganGeorgia Yes, I have that full address list ready, as I was expecting to send it to my future in-laws for the invitations. As far as I know, the “kids” have been very good about sending thank-you’s for engagement gifts.</p>
<p>I’m glad that you were able to come to a resolution on the events, momof3sons. It is too bad about having to limit the guest list, especially when you must be spending a small fortune on this wedding. Your sadness comes through.</p>
<p>When I was about to get married, I was adamant that no liquor was going to be served. I grew up in a very large Irish-Catholic family, and family weddings were drunken brawls, although not as bad as the funerals. My husband-to-be persuaded me to relent. What we ended up doing was having a relatively small tasteful wedding/reception in the area where we lived, with just my immediate family coming (and his immediate family and our friends). Then my parents threw a second reception in the midwest for our enormous family (I have well over 100 first cousins). I have some sympathy with the desire to keep the alcohol at a low level to avoid the special event being ruined by a family member.</p>
<p>I hate to join these wedding discussions. But I too addressed all of my own wedding invitations. It’s been a long time but I kinda remember my H and I doing that together. I am sure that neither my mom or my mil addressed anything. </p>
<p>Personally I hated the whole idea of a big wedding for me and I have anxiety thinking about my kids getting married. I paid a lot of money for their college education (and am still paying their stafford loans, which we are happy to do). But both of the kids make a good living and both of their so’s do too. We’d like to retire someday and we’d like to travel someday also. But the thought of now having to outlay a bunch of money on weddings. It’s enough to make me cry. </p>
<p>I just want to buy a dining room set. And my refrigerator is needing to be replaced. Maybe go on a vacation that isn’t visiting family. </p>
<p>I am not trying to be critical. Really I’m not. And don’t think this is a criticism on you momof3sons. But we have spent most of our spending money on our kids and I wonder when it stops. I won’t even get started on my parent who is not in good shape in retirement. And we paid for our own wedding. My H was adamant. But I hate being the center of attention so it was very small. </p>
<p>MOG here…lots of issues or non issues: (non issues because I am respecting choices that have been made.</p>
<p>We are not doing kosher reception. MOB might have preferred it…but the kosher venues are VERY expensive, we don’t keep kosher so we are having: fish and vegetarian options. No pork, no shellfish.</p>
<p>Rehearsal dinner: We are having vegetarian options, chicken and salads and pastas…no shellfish, no pork…darn it…NO calamari…</p>
<p>Morning after brunch…the typical fish platters, blintz, fruit and lots of fruit. </p>
<p>No discussions… I will listen to your suggestions I pay for it, while I listen to you, I get to decide.</p>
<p>Deb922, you have stimulated this lurker to post.</p>
<p>We also paid for our own wedding and for private school x 3 with some Stafford loan payback assistance.</p>
<p>Some spark of inspiration way-back-when had me say to the kids over the years, “We paid for ours, you pay for yours”. </p>
<p>My husband had promised a rehearsal dinner when our son got engaged, and I also did a post wedding brunch for out of towners. DS and DIL coordinated their event; both families offered suggestions when asked and made no expectations known.</p>
<p>Last month, I visited DD1 on opposite coast. I joined her, and now SIL and his Mom for an intimate wedding event at Ciy Hall. I will host a casual reception for the couple when they come to my coast next month. I expect I will spend what I spent for son’s rehearsal and brunch.</p>
<p>@deb922-Believe me, we are NOT spending a lot of money on this wedding. I guess that’s “comparatively speaking.” The bride is quite frugal and my son is being very considerate of the money he is asking his parents to spend. I have not been complaining, but perhaps some readers have seen it that way. It has been a learning experience. Once they got engaged and everything started rolling along with the wedding plans, I read that things have changed quite a bit since I got married back in the dark ages, and now oftentimes families are both asked to contribute to the wedding. I just wasn’t expecting this. And, believe me, I empathize with what you are saying. We just wrote our last two tuition checks as we have two graduating from college this year. We’ve now put all 3 through private colleges. DH and I haven’t taken a vacation together since 1991. It’s been our choice to spend an astronomical amount of money on our kids education over the years. It’s also been our pleasure. </p>
<p>Also, I don’t know what posters consider small. medium or large for the size of a wedding, but I would consider this sort of on the small size of medium. Maybe 110 people. </p>
<p>A recent wedding my family went to was non-alcoholic; at any one time, half the guests could be found at the hotel’s bar or sitting in their car having a shot or two! Somewhat spoiled the event…
For me, a celebration always includes food and alcohol…cannot imagine otherwise, especially if it was one of my kids’ wedding. I don’t get that because the parents don’t drink, 300 people should abstain also. I suppose if I did not drink, I would feel differently.</p>
<p>Forgive me as I still will screw up how to quote. I do it every, single, time. Very helpful posters will tell me again how to quote and I will not get it. </p>
<p>Anyways, the thing that made go WHOA! Momof3ons is this and made me post my first comment:</p>
<p>{QUOTE}/@shellfell One of the really interesting things about who is paying for what is that my son was very willing to chip in to help pay for this. He is fortunate to have a very good job. But, his future bride would not permit him to do this, reasoning that they would need the money he is making now in a joint account once they got married.{QUOTE}. </p>
<p>I mean no disrespect and I know how hard it is to deal with the person who your child is marrying and their values. But wow! These are young adult in their late 20’s who have good jobs. Why is it that they get to have money in their accounts while you pay for the wedding. </p>
<p>I have a relative who had to have everything. They had the house before the big wedding. The big diamond. I remember her complaining that his parents should be contributing to the big wedding (which was mostly her relatives and her parents friends and business contacts). I mean she was complaining while in her new house that they were remodeling. While the grooms parents had just paid for the grooms undergrad and most of medical school. Who had some investment reversals lately. </p>
<p>To me, in my rental house with my small diamond. Who had paid for our wedding. </p>
<p>I think it’s fine what you are doing. It sounds like you are doing happily and not complaining. But when do the parents stop? When is it enough? </p>
<p>@deb922-I haven’t wanted to be too specific so as not to give away identities, but my FDIL is still in school. Not college, but she still has another year to go after this, will have loans to repay, and since they are getting married before she finishes school, my S will be picking up quite a bit of the tab for her last year. So, she really couldn’t afford to chip in from her own funds as she will be in some debt when she graduates next spring.</p>
<p>Mine is paying for her own wedding - or the groom is. If they wanted me to pay, I told them it would be in my church, with a potluck to follow. They didn’t want that so they’re having it in his church, with some sort of catering. Still not spending a lot but he (and his family) live far, far away from me. They said they would even help with our travel expenses since we have the farthest to travel and they want us to be there.</p>
<p>mom - please forgive me for being a bit snarky. I come from a different world than most posters on this board which is why I enjoy so much reading about your lives and different opinions and customs etc. I wish I had a big family who always did weddings a certain way. I just don’t. </p>
) we are trying to make it “seem” more casual than the wedding reception, as we would expect jacket & tie for the men at the wedding, but I will probably write “casual” on the invite for the Saturday evening dinner. I would expect people to be dressed in “a step up from jeans,” sort of business casual without the sport jacket. We will also do the Saturday dinner as a buffet to make it “seem” more casual than the sit down on Sunday. In reality, the food we will serve on Saturday will be more plentiful with a wider selection than what will be available at the wedding, but after much soul-searching, DH and I decided to make the dinner what we wanted without going “over the top.” It will not overshadow the wedding.</p>
You are correct about most of the communication being done through the kids. They are both in their late 20’s and seemed to want to act as intermediaries for reasons unknown to me. Most recently when this came up again, I asked my son if what I was asking was then going to be asked of my FDIL and then she would ask her parents. I finally said “no” to this and there was no reason why I couldn’t just ask the harmless question (it was about getting some email addresses for their side of the family) so I contacted the FMIL for the info. No problems.</p>
</p>