<p>And who wouldn’t be finished off after getting puddlefied? :p</p>
<p>Shaina rules the hairy-faced baboons in Equaorial-Guinea and eats little boys. Then she picks her teeth with fufu made from Harvard undergrads and Princeton girls who unwittingly decided to study abroad in Guinea. The poor fools. She lured them into her jungle abode by playing on her magical flute made from little boy bones and then singing “Thais” and playing “Meditation” on her invisible violin. She was wonderful and knew just how to whip up a nice cool glass of lemonade for anyone who comes to visit her. So purrli came to visit her, and Shaina said “Take me to Cali!” So the 2 girls (is Shaina still a girl in this version?) rode upon Shaina’s magical carpet consisting of baboon fur and little boy hair, hand in hand with Chuck Norris and playing “go-fish” Shaina knows how to party. She’ll get this party started. And she started by offering Chuck and Purrli some Budlite, beernuts, and left over boy flesh; the menu amazed everyone at the party. Shaina had a crush on Business<em>Freak. “Oh I love Business” said Shaina. “Good” Business</em>Freak replied, you can be my accountant. Then Business<em>freak realized that Shania is a boy-eating, hairy-faced baboon ruling, Chuck Norris wannabe…and took back his offer. Try JTC, he said. So Shaina goes to JTC, and being a nice person, JTC gives her a chance and says, by the end of the week you have to complete 5 tasks for me… and the first one is…“Kidnap a Wolfy” So Shaina thinks to herself… where can I find a Wolfy?" “It’s obvious,” Said a voice. “He’s the CC’er who’s so hot that he’ll fuse your Hydrogens together.” Suddenly a bell rang inside Shaina’s mind… “wait a minute,” she said to herself, “is he the one who got accepted into Stanford just on his good looks? Say, If he’s really that hot, then I’m game.” So she flew over her carpet to his realm, and discovers that he turned out to be like nothing she’s ever seen! Then she kidnaps him and goes back to the super hot accountant JTC007 to find out her next task. For the second task, she has to capture wolfy’s “essence” and inform all the pondering girls about this mysterious “man.” She first tried to inhale his presence, breathing his manly odors. Then, Shania takes a DNA sample of Wolffy and studies it using the latest technology. She is shocked to discover that the mitochondria are missing and replaced with pink amorphous cytoplasm, which accounts for his undeniable hottness…instead of getting energy through cellular respiration, he radiates it! Next, Shania tried to measure his hottness by electron vibrations per second. Wollffy’s enthalphy was -8000 kcal, indicating that he gave off a lot of “hottness”. It was at this time that Shania realized she was in opposite land. So that meant that she was cold, close to absolute zero (relationship wise). It also meant that “she” is now a “he.”, , and her beautiful silky skin turned coarse and disgusting like a football player’s, but now she’s more manly than even Wolffy! Her pink pantyhose then stretched and tore, and her biceps could crash through any iron door and she could bench press 750 kg. Shaina got tired of opposite land and left, turning back to her normal self. Her second task completed, she returned to JTC007 to find out her third. He told her that she would have to engage in an epic battle of wits and linguistic mettle against her fellow CCer ice (muah). Shaina would have to test this baron of brevity, the prince of panache, the duke of debonairness in a deadly riddle duel. Ice thought for a second, then said: “What is green and fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree?” “Bring it on, Ice!” Shouts Shaina, shaking a fist. “BZZZ. WRONG!” Yelled Ice. “The correct answer is…<em>drum roll</em> A POOL TABLE!” Business</em>Freak returned to meet Shaina. In disgust, Shaina greeted business<em>freak by asking him “What now, oh Freaky one?”. He replied: “I would like to be your accountant”. She confidently reponded “I already have a better one…JTC007. He is better looking too.” Business</em>freak responded by taking out his magical stapler and zapping Shaina into a warty old hag. “Take that,” he said. “Wait a second guys, she’s mine” interjected Ice, clearly annoyed. “I mean, it was part of the agreement. Shaina’s mine unless she wins this riddle contest- and as of now, I’m up 1-0. She also secretly confessed her crush on me- so I’d say she has some explaining to do, and a contest to win.” Shaina sighed. “So what’s up?” Ice stroked his goatee and thought deeply. “What wears overalls, is black, and dangerous?” Suddenly Shaina heard a voice going “oh god, I just thought of a terrible joke.” “What?” She said, distracted. It sounded so far away, as if from the west coast. “Nuh uh.” Says Ice triumphantly. “The answer is ‘a scarecrow with a machine gun’.” And the final riddle, Ice said, the simpliest one of all, is this “If one is five, two is ten, three is fifteen, four is twenty, then what is five?” Shaina again heard a phantom voice from the west coast. This time, it said “like ohmygawd! that’s sooooo easy!” Distracted, Shaina said “twenty”. Wrong!, said Ice, now you must pay the price for your error. You shall be my slave for five decades Ice said. Or until you turn into an old hag. No! Shaina screamed, I shall not be your servant! I shall not bow to your wishes! I do not love you!! <em>slap</em> So Shaina was trapped in Ices gothic mansion, forced to do menial labor day after day. Her only companions were Goldfish and Bluephish, whom she had found one day in Ices swimming pool. Between her hours of polishing spoons and scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush, Shaina starts to plan an escape with Goldfish and Bluephish. Their elaborate plan involves Business<em>Freak, who said. “You know what? I’ve got a business deal in India involving diamonds, and I’ll get you out of here if you’ll agree to become my elephant.”
Meanwhile, Ice had grown complacent, and perhaps a bit bored in his watch over Shaina’s drudgery. While he had originally burned with passion for her, her rejection left him forlorn and bitter, trapped in the musings of his own mind. After a great deal of poetry and sonnets, he finally simply became lazier than ever, purchasing a very expensive cable football package and a very nice lazy boy. Meanwhile, bluephish devised a plan to drive off Business freak. While Business</em>Freak was snoozing, Bluephish stuffed a handful of chilli powder down his trachea. The spice immediately caused Business_Freak to wake up choking, gasping for air, and tearing at the eyes. He ran into the WC and saw Shaina floating in a pool of mercury but then realized that his eyes were deceiving him because of the chili powder. Then he turned around and saw the real Shaina, who ran away in fright. Business wanted to shout “Wait, honey!” but instead the chilli gave him fiery breath and he nearly roasted Shaina. Suddenly, an Ice Falcon swooped down from the sky and used his coolness to extinguish the flame before they hit her. The fires melted him into a puddle. And that was the end for the Ice Falcon. Business sputtered some more, the vapors from his breath incinerating the trees in the garden, drying up the ponds and the two fish in it. Meanwhile, Shaina sobbed by the puddle that was formerly Ice Falcon. “noooooooo…” She wailed. “He was a lonely, reclusive villain, but still. I never had the chance to say but, oh, but I LOVE YOU and I’d LOVE to MARRY YOU and I will do anything to being you back!!” As her howlings subsided, she realized that she was still held captive by Business, who had jumped into the freezer to cool his breath.</p>