advise for son

Parent Cafe
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<p>Well done to you, kat. It sounds like you have a great family.</p>

<p>Following on Greybeard’s comments, I would do my best to foster same sex friendships of equal or near equal intelligence by doing the driving, the cooking, the cleaning up or whatever. Make sure he gets the opportunity to connect with friends and develop close friendships.</p>

<p>I might also use the dream of law school to my advantage. for example, I know a couple of interesting lawyers and crown prosecuters, I might have them to dinner to provide my son with opportunities for mentoring.</p>

<p>Also, I might plan regular trips to the bookstore or the library–with or without him-- to make sure he continues to read. </p>

<p>In an attempt to nurture a love of reading in my boys, I bought hundreds of books. So many boys stop reading after primary school–perhaps because the material really dries up–there aren’t as many teen ‘boy’ books written. As my boys got older, they rejected more of my choices but it just made me more determined to find things they would not be able to put down. It worked! They both still read voraciously.</p>

<p>Besides, law school is ALL about the reading and writing.</p>

<p>I donated the rejected books and many others to their school library–but you could have the same plan using a public library. When I was a goofball kid, I systematically read through the classics shelf at the public library. </p>

<p>I will suggest is another thing that I did: I took my boys to all kinds of theatre performances. They quickly expressed a preference for comedy and drama over musicals and I bought tickets accordingly. The energy of serious theatre is intellectually invigorating and might be very interesting to a boy thinking about the performance aspect of law. Seeing performances might encourage him to try his hand at drama in high school.</p>

<p>Finally, as you are doing here, get advice about enrichment programs, scholarships for enrichment summer programs etc. from other parents. Everyone LOVES to give advice, my father used to say, so don’t be shy about asking for a bit!</p>

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<p>Well, I for one question this whole ‘gifted’ business. I have a son who scores in the 99.9% nationally – and is nearly failing school. Yes, he’s in a ‘gifted’ program. Yes, his classes are creative, challenging and taught by excellent teachers. BUT

  • he’d rather socialize than pay attention
  • he’s a flake
  • he has little/no discipline
  • he forgets to do homework
  • when he does homework he loses it
  • he loses watches, clothes, shoes, books - you name it
  • he doesn’t care about perfection
  • he doesn’t care when he gets Ds & Fs </p>

<p>There are many ‘gifted’ types sleeping under bridges. A high IQ or ‘testing well’ won’t help you much without basic organizational skills and a minimum of drive.</p>

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<p>Being “gifted” is about how one learns. It does not mean that one is better organized or has better discipline.</p>

<p>Your son may have learning issues; it’s very common among gifted kids. Gifted chatboards have tons of posts and articles about dual exceptionalities.</p>

<p>The OP’s son is very driven and focused. He sounds like he needs to be challenged. Boredom and underachieving are real concerns for kids like this.</p>

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<p>Marite -
I probably didn’t express myself well. I’m in no way comparing my son to OP’s, who is clearly a terrific & together kid both intellectually and academically. I’m making a general statement - this ‘gifted’ label is often over-emphasized and its significance overblown.</p>

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<p>Katliamom:</p>

<p>You are right. There are many factors affecting performance.</p>

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<p>The one thing that I have learned in life, is that it takes a lot more than a high IQ or being gifted to succeed. It takes persistence, and some form of ‘social IQ’. I also believe, except for few lucky born people, that the family enviroment plays a large part in the road we may travel.<br>
I also put a high price on happiness and self fulfillment. Not everyone wants to go to Yale. We can’t live our lives for others. But having said that, I know that the doctor, scientist, lawyer…etc were all kids at some point. A lot of people give up on their dreams, because they think they can’t. If this is Zach’s true dream, I don’t want to discourage him from it. From a parental aspect though, this is a road I haven’t been down. I want to be able to provide him with what he needs to do, to get into that ‘good college’. All my oldest had to do was have decent SAT’s. No band, no athletic skill… From the bed of each one of my kids is a sign “If you can dream it, you can do it”.</p>

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<p>
[quote[From the bed of each one of my kids is a sign “If you can dream it, you can do it”.
[/quote]
</p>

<p>A wonderful motto to have. I do suggest that your S take the SAT. He should familiarize himself with the format but he need not prepare for it. With his SAT scores, he could apply to some academic enrichment programs (with finaid if needed). I also suggest you vist the websites hoagiesgifted.org and that of the Davidson Institute. They have links for all sorts of resources, and lists of books that would be of interest to gifted students of all ages.</p>

<p>Talking of books, we just let our kids read whatever they wanted. S2 liked sci-fi, fantasy, science and math books. S1 had a somewhat wider range of reading interests. Your S might like biographies and works on the writing of the Constitution, histories, etc… Public libraries are great resources. In high school, he may want to join the school’s Debate Team or Mock Trial team if there is one. He may like to investigate forensics. He should also consider participating in National History Day (check out the website, there is a different theme every year). These kinds of activities should help him get through the academic year if he does not find the regular curriculum challenging enough.</p>

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<p>There are as many variations in giftedness as there are in learning differences. There are the profoundly gifted, and these children are exceedingly rare, as they have IQs that are nearly impossible to determine using standard measures. </p>

<p>Then there are exceptionally, highly, moderately and mildly gifted people, and the variation between a child with an IQ of 115 and one of 150 is as pronounced as the difference between a ■■■■■■■■ and average child.</p>

<p>Within any category of giftedness there is also tremendous possibility for variability. And unmeasurables, such as interpersonal skills, motivation, drive, ambition, curiosity, figure prominently in the success or failure of a gifted person. The IQ, in and of itself, is often meaningless, without the other components.</p>

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<p>I not only recommend the “read, read, read” idea for your son, but also for everyone in your family. Make sure you provide plenty of time to discuss your books or other readings (dinners at our house are always interesting times). My three are very close in age and the younger two were in our town’s gifted program. We are avid readers and although we have different interests, we are always reading each others’ suggestions. By encouraging this type of sharing, your gifted child will not feel the focus of your attention so much and your other children will gain a great deal as well. Also, if you don’t get home delivery of a newspaper, do so. I would also suggest journals to write down ideas, feelings, etc. Thru this encouragement of reading, speaking, listening and writing, all of your children will benefit from the giftedness of your middle schooler.
One final thought - As a middle school teacher, I think the worst thing you can do is to continually call attention to your son’s giftedness. Middle school is so tough for these types of kids. Love him, listen to him and let him know that he is also just “ok”. For many middle school kids, any attention that is different is bad attention. I know that sounds crazy, but it is true. Sometimes, as a parent, you need to fly under the radar, so to speak, to get your child what he needs. Good luck!</p>

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<p>Kat, look for a good high school, and think about a charter school if he develops strong areas of interest (Math and Music, for instance). My son was bored out of his mind in high school, and frankly, it drove us crazy because colleges look at cumulative GPA’s, and high schools tend to drill and hone in on basic study skills, which gifted kids often do not follow. He was at a good public high school, but he sought out the kids who were like him, offbeat, passionate-type kids who did not conform to the standard high school model of a successful student. He wouldn’t do homework or study for tests, but he’d spend weeks organizing rehearsals, recording, and producing CD’s. At the end of his Senior Year, he was producing demo CD’s for local bands and getting paid for his effort. </p>

<p>Believe me, I’m not slamming public high schools or advocating for private. It’s a hard job teaching high schoolers these days, and neither choice is a guarantee of success later on. But, I think that our son would have enjoyed high school more if there had been more flexibility in the way the classes were structured. If he had been permitted to leave early once his work was done, he would have been happier. But, that doesn’t bode well in a public high school setting. So, what he’d do was sit in class and get bored and resentful, instead. What he wanted to do was finish up and go work on something that really interested him. Both of our kids thrived in summer classes at the local junior college, and they took these classes by choice. </p>

<p>My son had a great homework routine through Seventh Grade. He came home every day, and the first thing he did was homework. He’d blow through it usually in an hour, or less. At 13, he got his first guitar, and everything changed. It was the first thing he’d do when he got up in the morning (before he’d go to school), and it was the last thing he did before going to bed at night. Both of my kids still stay up late into the night working on their passions. My D (a junior in college) is the procrastinator and will happily ask for an extension rather than turn in a lab report that she feels is not up to her standards for completion. As a freshman, her Bio prof wrote in her class evaluation that she was the best student he’d had in 25 years of teaching that class. Frustrating for us as parents to watch her procrastinate, but she was always this way. Keep an open mind when it comes to the definition of a <em>good</em> student.</p>