<p>You probably can’t get it all deleted. Once something is sent off into cyberspace, it could be anywhere. Someone could have copied or saved or whatever they wanted to do. You can’t track down who did and didn’t and have them delete it. I would just hope for the best… and get her a new e-mail.</p>
<p>I think any control without the collaboration of the kid will not give good result. It’s hard to to cut home internet because the kid will protest with reason “I cannot do my homework/project without the internet.”</p>
<p>^coolweather - she is fully cooperative. I believe what started out as a curiousity escalated to something she didn’t think through at all. We all are wanting to put this behind to the best of our abilities and appreciate suggestions to keep her safe.</p>
<p>^Then this is good. Best wishes!</p>
<p>^ucla dad - I’m on board as far as deleting email and FB accounts. She definately does NOT have too much time on her hands. She has many friends, receives straight As, plays varsity sports. The explicit messaging took place very late at night. We had no reason to mistrust our daughter, just made a horrible mistake in not monitorring her more closely.</p>
<p>I disagree about it being YOUR mistake in having to monitor an older teen. It is unfortunate that your D did not make a good judgment about this but I really do question how much any of us SHOULD monitor an older child. We have always tried to give our kids increasing amounts of freedom as they got older so they would be able to handle it when they went off to college or wherever else life would lead them. We did NOT allow them to have laptops or computers in their bedrooms until they started college but otherwise did not MONITOR them beyond them being in the living room where any of us might walk by at any time going from one place in the house to another.</p>
<p>Since they have started college, we have not monitored them much at all. When we had TMobile, I was always idly curious about the calls my kids made & received as the bill indicated phone numbers as well as length of calls & texts, but admit it was idle curiosity. Since we’ve switched to Verizon, I can’t get that info & it doesn’t really matter anyway.</p>
<p>I have a friend whose computer alerts her when her kids search certain sites & I think if certain words are in emails sent or received. We have never done that with our kids and so far believe they have made wise choices in staying safe in the cyberworld and real world. Our kids probably know a lot more about the internet than we do!</p>
<p>Your’r right HImom - We weren’t inclined to watch over our kids shoulders online, but computer in the bedroom = bad idea.</p>
<p>If you are really worried about whether this person will turn into some sort of stalker, you have a phone number and facebook name. Hire a service to do a check on him, I doubt it would cost more than a few hundred bucks if even that. The piece of mind might be worth it.</p>
<p>At the very least, reverse-lookup the cell phone number, you might get a hit and be able to do some checking on your own. If you can get a name, you can do a criminal check for very cheap.</p>
<p>^notrichenough - I’m not too concerned about the cross-country text buddy stalking. I’m concerned about any pics or messages my D posted being made public.</p>
<p>I don’t think computers in the bedroom are an awful idea… I just think some kids make bad decisions. I mean… I got my first computer in my bedroom when I was like seven or so. Mind you, that was before the internet and it had like a 2 mhz processor, lol. We got a new computer with dial up AOL when I was 13, that one stayed in the living room. When I was 15 I built myself a computer for my bedroom but had no internet. When I was 16 or so I did one of those get a free computer if you sign up for 2 years of Prodigy (wow, I’m dating myself here). I paid the monthly charges to be part of it and got the internet in my room. I remember having to get in touch with my family because we both couldn’t use the dial up phone line at the same time, haha. We wound up kicking each other out all the time. I then gave my old computer to my then 10 or 11 year old sister. When I was about 18 or so high speed internet came to our town and we canceled the AOL and the Prodigy and wired the house for a network and they’ve had that since. That being said, times were different when we were teenagers then now.</p>
<p>We just felt that our kids were on-line and playing virtual & videogames enough as it was and didn’t want them to have that extra temptation in their bedrooms. They already had enough trouble getting to sleep & waking that we didn’t want to give them any more distractions in the bedroom.</p>
<p>Once they started college, both wanted and got laptops. Our house is wired for wifi, so they were able to get on-line with DSL at their convenience. We figured they could already do whatever they wanted in their dorm/apts anyway and they had always shown very good judgment and cyber-awareness.</p>
<p>Your D could disavow whatever pics & messages are posted, if any are made public. Hopefully the caller will find something and lose interest in your D and lose the pics & messages. Cyberspace is a wild place, unfortunately.</p>
<p>Don’t beat yourself up. You obviously have a good relationship with her or you would not have the cooperation that you have. Just look ahead now. You also have to figure out a way to trust her again.</p>
<p>After discovering a period of texting at inappropriate times (late night), we instituted a rule that all cell phones were charged in mom and dad’s room overnight. It worked. We also only had computers in the common areas of the house, no bedrooms.</p>
<p>Good luck.</p>
<p>I think the important thing is to keep the dialog going to work through the issue of why she returned to the virtual sex conversations after the initial curiousity was satisfied. I don’t want to cross the boundaries in this very personal matter, but I want her to understand what needs she was seeking to fullfill and repair any damage to her sense of self worth. </p>
<p>I believe there were issues with her boyfriend not being ready/willing to be intimate with her which confused her. Ultimately they broke up because he stopped being interested in seeing her outside of school, so my guess is she was looking for intimacy in the relationship through sex and turned to virtual sex as a substitute. Just a theory, but the timing seems to fit.</p>
<p>As she heads to college I want her to make healthy choices about her sexual activity, and ideally limit encounters to committed, loving relationships only. In reflecting on her recent breakup, it is hard to think of our proud, confident daughter throwing herself at guy and being unfullfilled in a relationship. She is young, and has much to learn and I hope to help her take better care of her self image along the way.</p>
<p>husky82, I have not been in your exact situation but I have been near enough to understand it, and to know the absolute hole that must have opened in the pit of your stomach when you realized what was going on. </p>
<p>It’s such a balancing act - respecting our teen’s privacy, and yet giving them appropriate supervision. And it’s all new! Our parents didn’t have to deal with this! We’re all just figuring it out as we go along… and the kids are figuring it out too. And when they’re feeling fragile and vulnerable, even the best kids can make awful mistakes - which as you fear, may come back to haunt them.</p>
<p>My biggest advice would be to get your daughter to a good adolescent psychologist or counselor. Let her talk, figure out what happened and how she got so far off track, and learn healthier ways to handle stress and loneliness in the future. We live in a society that tells us women’s worths are based on their looks and sex appeal, it’s no wonder that she went down that path - but she needs to learn a better way to cope in the future. You will need to have a few sessions with this counselor as well, to learn how to help her. </p>
<p>My daughter did not want to go to counseling, but I’m convinced it was a big help. I KNOW it was a big help for H and I to talk with the counselor and find out what was behind her problems and how to help her.</p>
<p>Long term, I will warn you that once trust has been shattered it takes YEARS to rebuild it. My daughter was doing some things that shocked us her freshman year in high school. She turned around and was nearly a model teen after that, but I still find myself quietly questioning things she tells me, and she is now a freshman in college. I know she has a tendency to withhold pieces of the truth if she thinks I will be upset or overreact.</p>
<p>Because I was caught SO off-guard when this happened to us, I became a snoop the rest of my daughter’s high school years. Back in the days of AIM, I had it set to save all of her conversations (she never bothered to go into the settings and see that). I also occasionally read her text messages when she was asleep, if I was concerned that something was “up.” She uses the same password for everything, so about once a week I was checking her FB as well.</p>
<p>Now that she’s at college I have backed off. I still look at the cell phone bill to see how much she’s texting. She put me on a limited “friend” status on FB - I can see what she writes, and some of her pictures, but I can’t see what others write on her wall. I’ve decided to respect that so I don’t use her password to check her FB anymore. </p>
<p>Good luck to you, and to your daughter. I’m sure she’s a great kid and with your love and guidance, and some counseling, she will find her way back. I just cross my fingers that whatever she put out there doesn’t come back to haunt her.</p>
<p>(Changing the cell phone number, and closing down the FB are good ideas. She could re-open another FB account with just her first and middle name or a nickname if she really needs it for her local friends and organizations.)</p>
<p>If you are really worried, you might want to look into reputation.com. (formerly reputation defender.) I’ve never used them; I only know about them from news accounts.</p>
<p>
Be concerned. Any pictures or messages that she sent to the “text buddy” are in his possession, and he could easily make them public if he gets angry about being cut out. Keep everything you know about him.</p>
<p>FWIW- I have always been a nosy mom and have been criticized by other moms as a result. My answer is this: It is my job and my husband’s job to protect my child. That includes identifying and controlling dangerous behaviors and individuals that can potentially affect or injure my child. we are the only people in this world whose primary concern is the welfare and wellbeing of this child. It is not always pleasant for us or our children, but we will never say “why didn’t we…” or “we should have known…” We are perfect and our kids don’t always like us, but they will always love us even if it takes a few years for them to forgive us for our nosiness.</p>
<p>make that, “wr are NOT perfect” ;)</p>