I think you have the makings of a good writer. Try not to get too anxious about the essay. As one admissions officer said, generally essays just confirm what they see in the other parts of the application. (Teacher recommendations, good grades etc.) Occasionally there’s an essay that is so good that the applicant gets moved up a notch. Occasionally one is so awful the application goes in the reject pile despite the rest of the application.
Your first post isn’t that bad, I’ve seen much worse in terms of flowery and long winded. It seems longer than it is because you have to make sure you’ve double spaced between paragraphs the way CC’s comment box is set up now.