Afraid that my writing style is too abstract?

There are different styles of writing. You college essays are not creative writing exercises, they are more persuasive. Think “here’s what you need to know about me that makes me a great addition to your campus” not a writing sample. Not a knock on your writing, just a reminder that different situations require different styles. It’s good to recognize this since in college you will have to tailor your style to the class - just wait until you have a lab course that requires you to write in passive voice.