Aging parents: is there a workable model for siblings to share the responsibility?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Post 18: imho the person-in-charge of care should not have to suffer financially if at all possible, and it’s best if they are rewarded monetarily in some way. One way to do this is pay a salary out of your parent’s estate to the one in charge of day-to-day care. If the parent moves in with the one-in-charge, the parent can take care of household expenses and/or improvements. Of course this only works when the parents have resources still. If there is an inheritance, imho you should negotiate for reimbursement for your time and absolutely for any expenses you incur, such as having to quit your job. Nothing can really reimburse the stress.</p>

<p>Post 9: wow; second best husband in the world.</p>

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<p>I agree with alh</p>

<p>My inlaws could have moved to assisted care several years ago, MIL has needed care for over 20 years and FIL has done it, but now that he is 90 it is taking a toll. I have found that hourly care is about $20/hr and overnight care is about $120-160 per 24 hrs. No one in the family is the care taker, but if one of us took any shifts I would not object to seeing the person paid. The inlaws are miserable enough, it would not be worth the money ;)</p>

<p>Paying for some additional in home care, a helper a few times a week, a gardener, a house cleaner, is so far cheaper than asst living and most people want to stay in their home. Do be aware if you do this that there is the likelihood something will disappear- jewelry, etc, Do be aware of the propensity for the gratitude the elderly person feels may allow them to make uncharacteristic decisions, like cosigning a car loan for the part time caretaker!</p>

<p>A couple of times they have needed 24 hour care for a limited time and they got majorly ripped off the first time (charged nearly $300/day) Once we found out we got involved and did the research and now they have some guidelines as to the going rate</p>

<p>I agree, if they need help, and one family member does some of it, pay that person as you would pay a helper, this is fair.</p>

<p>My parents need drives to the doctor and no, sib & I nearby do not charge for that, but if I were to go take care of the inlaws for a month, yeah, I think I might ask that, since they could/would be paying some one else, if not me and I would be giving up my life to be there.</p>

<p>If my nearby parents need care in the big city, a hotel stay would be on their dime, but I certainly would not charge them for my time, so it is a fine line when it would be fair and reasonable and when not.</p>

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<p>This is how we do it at this particular moment in time: We have a parent who has needed 24 hour care for almost a decade and may well live a couple of decades more in that condition. At present we hire that help because the parent is extremely resistant to nursing homes (refuses food, fights meds) and because the parent can afford 24 hour in home care. Parent lives in one sib’s house and the parent’s resources pay for 24 hour care from a home health agency and all the household expenses for a household of three (invalid parent, grown child, nurse): taxes, insurance, utilities, phone, cable, groceries, lawn care, appliance replacement, major upgrades such as roof or new ac, because if the parent was able to communicate wishes and write checks, that is what the parent would do if living with a child. That sib is ultimately responsible for the parent’s daily well-being and all immediate medical issues. That is a huge responsibility and the rest of us really appreciate it. That sib has not always been the one in charge of day to day care and has the option to give up parent’s care at any point. We were discussing and planning a small salary, paid out of the parent’s resources and ultimately all our future inheritances, for the one-in-charge of daily care before the economy fell apart. We think that is fair, just trying now to figure out how to be fair and cautious looking at such long term care issues.</p>

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<p>Wow, these are some things I never thought of. My hat is off to those of you who got parents or inlaws to move to better living arrangements. Also, for those of you in the thick of things, I wish you continued strength.</p>

<p>My in laws would never move closer to us, even though we began asking them to about 10 years ago. They think we should have moved closer to them. Besides the fact that the commute to work would have gone to an hour and a half in length (and of course we work while they do not), and that they live in a place that we find totally uninspiring, I found this so typical of their general point of view (traffic only goes one way). This doesn’t make it any easier in the situation. When the phone rings, I feel like I have to be on instant alert for the crisis of the moment. My H is so stressed from his general level or work responsibility that this is awful. It is a relief if it is only some minor complaint (which is frequent). </p>

<p>Putting aside finances for a moment, which is a big thing, don’t get me wrong, what about those difficult emotional issues associated with aging. People get ornery and uncooperative, and it seems that rather than being sweet old ladies and men, it is just the opposite. Other than medication and therapy for them(I would love for either to be considered) what can anyone suggest to cope? I feel like I will be the one needing the meds and therapy.</p>

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<p>Anothermom- my parents are pretty easy to deal with, including moving near us. My in laws are completely self-centered, including the guilt trip that we ought to visit more often, but demanding to stay where they are . In fairness they have an active, though aging & dying, peer group and can afford help in their home. So we are staying far far away most of the time and trying not to buy in to any big issues- though we do end up responding to the ‘emergency’ come to me calls and did get involved to a degree when they were being scammed.</p>

<p>It is really tough when some one is so unpleasant that no one wants to be with them- including caretakers quitting because they “cannot take it any more”, caretakers in tears due to things said, and peer group ‘friends’ commenting that no one likes the in laws. At least I have some validation there! :D</p>

<p>I say when they are difficult, let them live their life their way, as long as they can afford it and are able to do it. Once they are dependent then they will have to do it your way</p>

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<p>I’m the closest and most available for my mom. Younger sis spells me on weekends. Other sibs call daily. Also watch FIL at my home during day but he is more mobile but not more continent. Wife watches him during nights while I am at mom’s house. </p>

<p>Luckily all our children are mostly done with college.</p>

<p>We are looking at 3 more parents to hit 90 this year.</p>

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<p>A lot of the struggle is about taking care of ourselves, isn’t it? It’s so exhausting no matter how much or little you are involved: exhausting to maintain the boundaries like somemom does, exhausting to be there in person, and exhausting and complicated for some of us to face the reality of our parents’ financial ineptitude (though mine weren’t inept–just lived in the moment beyond their means and assumed we’d take care of everything for them later). I wish there were more support groups where I live. I haven’t been able to find one that’s close and convenient. Assisted living and nursing facilities don’t seem to have them.</p>

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<p>I think these issues are difficult. My dh’s parents stayed in the home with full time help while they both lived. His father went to assisted living when his Mom died. Their daughter lived in the same area, dh (S1) is 250 miles away, and the other son (S2) is more than 2000 miles away. Naturally D did the lion shares of the work and the worrying. We tried to visit and make her life easier, but I’m not sure there’s anything you can do to make it up. S2 did most of the lawyerly stuff. We let the daughter who was there make the decisions that seemed right since she was on the scene, but I admit we often felt she guilted herself into feeling she had to do more than we would have if we’d been the local family. She visited her parents every single day for example. It was hard for us to believe it was truly necessary. </p>

<p>My Dad went through a rough patch a few years ago, that convinced my Mom that she needed to be nearer to family and perhaps in assisted living. In the end she bought a small house in the same town as one of my brothers. She’s on a waiting list for a local assisted living place, but has turned down the place when one came up recently, because Dad is doing better and things are working out well. At this point I don’t do anything except visit more often since they are “only” 200 miles away instead of 400+.</p>

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<p>You are so right about the daily visiting. I have a friend whose internist told her to stop doing it because it was affecting her health, but she continued! My mother doesn’t have a good sense of day/time anymore, but the weekend visits work just fine. Things are a little slower on weekends in nursing homes/assisted living. She is confused when I come to visit when she is busy with an activity during the week.</p>

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<p>It is so amazing to read these stories, because when I was going through this myself I thought I was the only one who could possibly have a narcissistic, totally self-absorbed sibling who made things worse. Thank goodness I had one incredibly helpful sibling who lived ~20 minutes away while I was ~45 minutes away. He would take the middle of the night panic phone calls. If you can divide up the responsibilities and alternate visiting the parents, so much the better, but in real life, I think it seldom works that way.</p>