Beta blockers are cheap, readily prescribed, and very helpful to my friends with flying fears. Your doctor may be willing to call some in for you.
I’m a little confused…the Calm app is available in the Apple App store - for free! Not $70!
I think you should have a specific routine planned - even written down for when you get on the plane to get your through take off at least. That would give you some control and a plan.
When I board a plane I have a routine.
Get in seat and remove any extra layers (jacket)
Point the little air vent towards me.
Text family and let them know I’ve boarded
When we start to taxi start chewing a piece of gum - helps my ears adjust.
When the plane starts to speed up for take off, I lay my head back and close my eyes and chew my gum. Having my head back feels more grounded.
I keep my head back and eyes closed for probably 5ish minutes - at that point the plane has leveled off (not tipped so much) and just overall feels smoother.
This is my routine. I know what to expect and what I’ll do. It helps a lot!
^ @abasket - That is exactly the kind of thing I need. I’ve been making all kinds of lists for this trip, but this “what to do when I board” list will be the most important!
Look up “binaural beats”. Lots of good links so I don’t want to pick just one. Load some of these tracks on your phone and wear a good pair of noise cancelling headsets. Pick the tracks that address the calming delta brain waves. It really does reduce panic and anxiety.
@psychmomma Do your homework in advance. I find I get stressed if I’m unsure about details. Look at airport map and find your terminal, and gate, if possible. Look at seating map for plane and see where your seat is. Allow extra time for dreadful TSA lines. Have your ID and ticket in hand. Guessing you do not have pre-check. Learn what can and can’t go into carry on. You will have to take coat and shoes off. I’ve learned that some of my clunkier jewelry will set off alarms (especially at SFO).
After security, put your ID away. Go to bathroom. Fill your water bottle. Get food or drink if you want.
At gate, if on Southwest, you’ll see lines to queue up in according to your ticket.
Other airlines have lines according to your seating group on your ticket. Have your ticket in hand (or phone if it’s on there).
Before boarding, get flight items organized for easy grab. I put my phone, headphones, a pen, mints in my jacket pockets. I have scarf, water bottle, snack and Kindle in spot for easy grab. All of this I pull out as I get to my seat, before stowing carryon. As others have mentioned, there’s not a lot of room to maneuver. Find your light switch, adjust the air, buckle up…and take a breath. Text your son that you’ll see him soon! Pull out the airline magazine and find your arrival airport and familiarize yourself with that. And think about all the fun you are going to have in the Bay Area!
You never know if it will be too hot or too cold on the plane. I will have a sweater or light jacket, and I’ll fold it up and use it for lumbar support if I don’t need to wear it. It’s easier to get to it than stretching under the seat if you need it later.
Calm app is free for seven days only.
If you aren’t in the economy plus seats, look to see how much more it would cost to upgrade your seats from basic economy in the back of the plane to economy plus over the wing. It really is much nicer when you have those few extra inches to stretch out (plus if you drop something, as I always do, you have space to pick it up instead of waiting to the end of the flight and hope it hasn’t gone to the back or front of the plane). The small charge may be much less than you expect–for example, for us to upgrade from Vegas to LA was only $19/person.
I hate to fly! Watching a movie is one of the best ways to keep myself calm. Also, look around - are the flight attendants nervous? No! Take your cue from them.
Good luck! Enjoy spending time with your family.
Your son might not be able to put the genie back in the bottle once you have made your initial flight! You’ll soon be out in CA every opportunity you get 
Have and enjoyable trip and reeeeeelax!
I saw a post where someone suggested Benadryl/a glass of wine. Alcohol is not a good idea since it dehydrates you.
Chewing gum is a good idea since it’s supposed to help relieve some of the pressure in the ears. Plenty of water to keep hydrated helps. And for people who get upset stomachs, ginger ale is highly recommended-ask for that instead of a Coke.
Depending on how early in March OP is flying into SFO, expect delays. It’s been a wet winter in the Bay Area and SFO will shut down a runway if it’s windy/rainy.
i have bad teeth and have had many root canals. HATE them. But i’ve learned to wear soft, comfy clothing, download some funny podcasts (like ask me another and wait wait don’t tell me) and just close my eyes while wearing my huge headphones. It’s made a huge difference.
maybe flying would be like that?
I would add 1 practical thing to the above good suggestions: if you have a lay over, make sure you pack your most important essentials in your TAKE-ON bag that you can’t live without for a day or two (eg: meds, eyeglasses, contacts, makeup, etc.)
Read Cockpit Confidential by Patrick Smith before you go.
I feel your pain, OP! I am a recovering fearful flyer. I never had a problem with flying until I had a horrific flight many years ago and then compounded with the vulnerability of having young children. Here’s what worked for me:
- I have an Rx for a low dose of valium. It doesn’t make me feel loopy at all - in fact I feel just “normal” (I assume that it is keeping my anxiety at bay).
- I have a certain music soundtrack that I always listen to, which is very calming. And unlike others, I purposely do not use noise canceling headphones. If you’re a control freak like I am, I want to be able to hear if there is anything important that I should be aware of. I know that sounds ridiculous, but I would find it more stressful to be oblivious.
- Have something to do that requires mental activity. I like to have a few NYT crossword puzzles with me or a book that requires my full attention or a riveting movie/tv show on my iPad. Your mind can’t be in two places at once and it’s better to do something to take your mind off of flying.
- Turbulence used to make me clutch my armrest until my fingers were numb. Now I just tell myself that it’s like driving on a bumpy road. I also watch the flight attendants; if they are business as usual, I know everything is fine. My last flight was one where the captain had the flight attendants sit for the remainder of the flight due to turbulence, and I surprised myself by not stressing out too much as they still looked calm (or maybe they were just happy to sit down and not have to serve drinks
) - As others said, if you can afford to upgrade to Economy Plus or - even better - business class, do it. A couple of years ago I was able to go biz class to Europe with lie flat beds, lounge access, and all the other bells and whistles and I was so excited about it that I kind of forgot to feel afraid. After that I told my husband that we are building that cost into all future trips that would require a long flight.
- Fly more. I read a book years ago re: fear of flying and the author was a formerly fearful flyer expat living in Australia; it was required that she fly more or she would never get off of the island. In my case, about 10 years ago I started a new career that requires me to travel and I now fly more regularly. The more “good” flights I have, the calmer I am about the process.
The other thing to remember is flying is MUCH safer and more comfortable than it was the last time you flew (not including the airport part of it).
Good luck to you…it will be fine! Enjoy the time with your son.
I need to catch up on new comments but want to jump in and thank whoever recommended the book SOAR: The Breakthrough Treatment for Fear of Flying. I downloaded it last night and feel it will be helpful, just from the first two chapters.
I suggest you and your H take a field trip to your airport before your travel date. It will give you a chance to explore the parking options (or make you decide you want to take an Uber ride instead).
Keep track of how long it takes you to get from parking deck into the terminal. Find the screening point and watch as best you can how that part works. Notice that people take off their shoes and belts, take all loose change from their pockets, and put cell phones into jacket so it goes through the scanner and not on you as you walk through the people scanner.
At some airports you will get scanned with different types of equipment.
You won’t be allowed to explore the gates where you will get onto the plane, but do find and study a map of airport. Look for where restrooms are, you want to go just before you board plane.
Also, note that new security measures Forbid you to get up during the last stretch of your flight. So go to bathroom no later than halfway through your flight.
If you are checking a bag, allow even more time. I highly suggest you stick to carry on only.
There are some times that you will be stepping onto the plane and are told you have to gate check your carry on. The plane is just too full and your bag has to go underneath in the cargo hold. Don’t panic, have a small tote tucked into your carry on and pull out your medications and things you want to have during flight. (This rarely happens, but now that you know about it you won’t be shocked if it does happen.)
I know I don’t do well on flights, so I eat a small, plain meal beforehand, and bring a pack of cheese crackers to nibble slowly during the flight. I only drink water when I fly.
Take offs and landings are my most stressful times. Finding distraction that works for you is best way to prepare.
You are getting good advice. Best of luck to you.
“new security measures Forbid you to get up during the last stretch of your flight” ???
I haven’t encountered this at all. Is it international?
One of the reasons I like to sit near the front is so that I can see and hear the flight attendants chatting with each other. I find it reassuring.
I used to be a fearful flier (sweaty palms, afraid of every turn or bump). But somehow… it just went away. I’m not sure when. I think knowing that statistically it has gotten much safer in recent years, and is so much safer than car travel probably is a factor. I also remind myself that the pilots care just as much as I do about getting there safely.
One tip is to get your stuff organized in the gate area for what you are putting up top in the overhead bin vs stowing under the seat so it is handy during the flight. Easier to get quickly settled into your seat if you do this.
I like an aisle seat, it helps me feel like I can get out quickly if needed. I also wear sensible shoes and clothes just in case I needed to get out of the plane and away from it quickly. That said, you will have to take off your shoes going through security, so slip ons are easier than laces.
I’m not exactly fearful of flying, but I used to be very sensitive to every bump and turn. On one particular flight we experienced quite a bit of turbulence. I was terrified. But as I looked around, not one person, no one (!), showed any signs of anxiety! They just kept on sleeping, reading, working on their laptops, etc., as if nothing had happened. Then I felt pretty silly. That helped.