Mine’s 26. He just got an AA, after a checkered college career. We’re thrilled. He has a job, too.
I would be thrilled, also Cardinal Fang…I remember many of your earlier posts from years ago. My BFF has a mentally retarded daughter but while similar, her daughter will never not need intense support. She would be over the moon if her D could have a job and live independently. Just because we don’t walk in people’s same shoes doesn’t mean that we can’t relate to what they are going through. There is nothing, I can’t imagine anything, more scary than being a 70 year old parent with a 40 year old dependent. I have another dear friend’s mother who is 89 with a 60 year old dependent retarded son…
this is not entirely different from the burden of having an autistic child. Life is set up so that we get edumacated and then we enter the work force. The work force is not a kind place for autistic adults. My neighbor’s son managed his way very well through college. Bright, maybe brilliant, but he never got past his college diploma to get a job and literally lives in their basement and he’s approaching 30 now. My heart aches for them, because they are neighbors and we were pregnant at the same time and our kids went through high school together and then college at the same time. But mine is thriving now in adulthood and their son not so much. There is no secret society of “parents who know” vs. “parent who have never experienced.” I do believe you give an autistic child as much as you possibly can and if that includes a college where they can thrive, fantastic, …and after that you simply focus on the positives and support as best you can. They will have a kid who will be there for them as they approach their senior years, who is intelligent, smart albeit slightly off the wall…while mine are living thousands of miles away. Who is to say which is a “better” life? I feel bad because they were your typical “competitive” parents, both in education, and they don’t like to talk much about the kids any more…
I say, take life in chunks. Don’t focus twenty years out. If you have an autistic kid that can hack college with supports…go for it. If it has bearing on their future - then great. It if doesn’t, then cross that bridge when you get there.
There is no secret society of “parents who know” vs. “parent who have never experienced.”
I would very much disagree with that comment.
I have an autistic hs senior D as well as a sixth-year college senior with nonverbal learning disorder. NVLD also has effects on EF. It often isn’t diagnosed until middle school because the kids have a very high verbal ability (“little professors”) and kids aren’t expected to be much good with EF until that age when suddenly school has seven periods and you’re supposed to keep to keep up with schedules and homework. My D was diagnosed sooner (first or second grade) because of other issues and actually the school psychologist initially thought she might have Aspergers.
HS senior D overcame much more severe challenges with communication and sensory issues and without going into detail was quite low functioning. Luckily she made progress with the help of an army of really great therapists of every kind. Maybe I’m fooling myself, but I think autistic D is better in EF than NVLD D. NVLD D went to college locally, which was the best for her. She’s decided she will never have a normal job, which is probably good since she switched her major to dance. She has already been hired by a circus and hopes to teach dance once she graduates. It’s unconventional, but I think it’s the right path for her. And yeah, she probably didn’t need to go college but it’s had many other benefits, so I don’t (usually) consider it a waste of money.
On to autistic D, yes some of this info is pretty depressing and I’ve known it for a while. She is very organized and says AP Physics 1 and AP Calc BC are “easy.” She has a harder time in advanced English and other high-verbal-content classes, but she plows through the work. We’re mostly only looking at colleges where she is at or around the 75th percentile in stats so that the classes should be taught at a level she can definitely “get.” Maybe I’m overly optimistic, but I’m confident she will graduate even if not from the same college she starts at (transferring to our local college as the most likely reason.)
I’m also pretty optimistic she’ll get a job. I think engineering is a good area for those on the spectrum and after much struggling through elementary and middle school, she is now pretty good at working in teams. If she doesn’t find employment I won’t consider her education a waste. She’s finishing a four year engineering curriculum at her hs and loves the field. My Dad is a “retired” engineer whose hobbies are programming and ham radio. I strongly suspect he has at least mild Aspergers.
My biggest worry for D is that she won’t be able to make friends. But I’m pushing myself to be optimistic on that too.
Even though the article is a downer, I’m glad to see this thread. There aren’t many where the parents of neurodiverse kids hang out together.
@snoozn thanks for sharing! It’s really good to know there are others out there with similar issues confronting their kids.
@snoozn @CorpusChristi - agree - good discussion.
One of my son’s closest friends is on the spectrum and attends college while living at home, with a lot of support. He’s doing well, I think. I see him a lot because when my son is home, he is very quick to come over. (He considers my son to be high-functioning autistic person, whereas my son does not have a diagnosis - just a “quirky” engineering student with a deep love for fantasy and role-playing.)
I’ve read a number of comments in the College Life forum from students with ASD and I always think of my son’s friend. As snoozn’s comment reminds me, the most painful part to read about is the students’ struggle for meaningful friendships in the sometimes vexing social environment of a college campus. But for parents - how does one know how far one’s child can go in terms of independence until it unfolds? I feel the pain, the desire not to get one’s hopes up, but also, the need to keep trying to see what will work.
I’ve worked with a couple of programs for college students with executive function-related disabilities, and even when we provide a lot of extra support/prompting (texts, calls, offering to walk with them from their dorms to class, etc), there still needs to be some effort and participation on the part of the student. We can’t physically drag them to class, of course, both for practical reasons and out of respect for their autonomy. They are adults, and we can’t and shouldn’t force them into doing things, disability or no. I should also add that most of the students in these programs, many of whom are often considered “lower functioning” in their educational records and diagnoses, have done quite well with the right supports, so it is definitely possible.
My oldest son is a 2E Aspie. We enrolled him in community college in a special 2E program. He ignored the counseling, the activities and the classes. At the end of the semester, we pulled him out. The following school year, we enrolled him at a different community college without the disability program. He wanted to study photography and get a certificate. He did great in his photo classes and in archery and in meteorology. He barely passed German. He dropped English without telling us. At the end of the year, he had 14 credits. I told him he could continue and earn the certificate but he refused to accept that he had to take English classes. The Aspie in him made him decide that English comp and lit had no relevancy to photography and he didn’t have to take those classes. I refused to send him back.
He worked at menial jobs, mostly delivering for restaurants. When he was 25, I sent him a long text informing him that he would be off my health insurance in one year and advising him to plan for the future. He got himself a job at a store like Best Buy (but not BB) and was doing great. H and I were amazed that he was winning sales contests, especially since he was a cashier and not a salesperson (he was selling warranties at the register). However, they didn’t offer him a full-time position and he was getting closer to 26.
Six months before his birthday, he decided on his own to take the test to be a postal carrier. He has been working at USPS since April, has health insurance and is in the union.
He is now talking about going back to school. Our state system has a special program for “older” students which awards life credits and is fairly one on one, with on line options. The tuition is the same as regular state schools.
When he was in middle school, he talked about going to Stanford. He is smart enough to do anything but he is not capable of getting out of his own way, in essence.
OTOH, he is fairly well socialized. He has friends, a long term gf, he seems to get along with co-workers. His former boss at the restaurant just gave us a gigantic Thanksgiving Day platter for less than half price, for my son! His customers along his route seem to like him; they always give him water and food, one lady makes sure he has sunscreen on as he is extremely blonde and green eyed.
Is he where I dreamed he’d be? No. Is he a productive member of society? On his way, maybe. Is he a good natured, good hearted loyal person whom I am proud to call my son. YES.
He’s 26 now and he’s a good, honest, hard working young man.
If he can do it, there’s hope for many other young people.
@techmom99 I was nodding my head while reading a lot of your post. Your story about your ds has many echoes of ours with our ds. He also refused to take courses that in his mind were not necessary for his goals. We also pulled the financial plug on college when he continued to dig in and not take the classes required for the degree. We couldn’t afford to keep paying for him to attend if he was never going to graduate.
He really floundered for a while, but finally found his feet and has been working full-time for 3 yrs. He is starting to talk about wanting to develop skills for a career vs. continuing to work as an unskilled laborer. He is starting to recognize that he is responsible for many of the dead ends he hits and that his choices are what lead to the consequences he lives through.
Rough wa to learn, but he is stubborn. He has to realize it himself before any changes or progress can be made. When he gets serious enough about change, he tends to stick with it with just as much stubborness.
Our ds has not made the same level of progress your son has, but at 24, I can see him moving that way.
@techmom99 and @Mom2aphysicsgeek, thanks for sharing your stories! I hadn’t even thought about healthcare which would be an issue for oldest D soon – good thing she’s getting married to someone who will have a “real job.” Who knows if D17 will stay on her current path, but like everyone else here with their kids – I just want her to be happy.