In another thread you explained that he is a junior in high school but will be graduating in May. Based on his current behavior, do you think he will be mature enough for college in September 2016?
He is a different person when he is away. Yes he will be graduating in May.
He went to a few summer camps and enjoyed alot. It is his decision to graduate early.
How can you or anyone know the person our kids are when they are away? I’d be concerned about his emotional and other maturity issues and definitely think it would be useful for you to talk with a professional counselor, about your concerns with this child and your severely disabled child.
Excellent advice.
I really don’t know what you think you’ll accomplish by refusing to pay for his college (when presumably he was always led to believe that you’d pay for it, and you say you can afford it). Do you think it will make him suddenly wake up and be more grateful for what you do for him? He’s far more likely to see you both as unreasonable monsters who are yanking away your money just as some kind of power trip.
Why do parents pay for college for their kids? In order to earn their gratitude, or to give them the best chance at success in life? If you agree that the last reason is the best one, does it really matter whether your kid is respectful or unpleasant to you? He’s certainly not going to become less unpleasant if you tell him you’re no longer paying for his tuition.
Also, what others have said about “fouling the nest” is completely true. It’s very typical for teens to become absolutely horrible little monsters during the last couple of years before they leave home. (A friend of mine says it’s Nature’s way to make you feel glad that they’re leaving!). Adolescence is a stressful time, and college applications make it more so.
All that said, if you’re really concerned about his expressing violent thoughts in his essays, by all means make an appointment for him with a therapist. A professional will be much better able than you are to evaluate his state of mind and whether he really is a danger to himself or others.
As to the constantly spending time on his computer, welcome to the year 2015. He’s probably IMing and tumblr-ing and Facetime-ing with his friends during at least part of the time you think he’s all by himself in his room.
Are there other topics of conflict? Religion or sexuality, for example?
I think his behavior plus the subject of violence = red flag. Aren’t we always saying “why didn’t the parents pick up on this, do something”? I’d have him get a complete physical first, at least. Then …insist on some counseling as his behavior to you is unacceptable.
Neither of our kids “fouled the nest” in the classic sense. What they both did was get really stressed and withdrawn fall of senior year between the academic push and the application process. That few months with each kid was the most serious hands-on parenting I’d dine since they were in pre-school. Our previously outgoing and very capable kids really became bears to live with. What worked with both kids and especially our older who is naturally less outgoing an communicative was to lay out very bluntly.
To paraphrase, I said that I know this is a time where her job is to be more independent and to differentiate from us and that I get that. I said that her dad and I share her desire that she be able to go off to a school of her choosing and make her way for herself and have some adventures. In order to get from point A to point B she would need to work with me. If she didn’t work with me she could live at home and attend the local Community College or University. I told her that my goal wasn’t to be the overbearing mother or run her life but help her to go off and spread her wings and be independent. Bottom line - if she wanted a slate of workable options come spring she needed to jump through some hoops in the fall to have the best chance for admission and aid at her school of choice. After that knock yourself out and go be independent.
OP, if your son enjoyed “sleep away” camp then he might respond to something like that. It helped reframe the struggle and put me back on her team, so to speak. DS was less prickly but also had a November melt down. The Plan B and Plan C of living at home and attending CC or going to the state directional in a town in the middle of nowhere were sufficient motivation for him to push through and let me help him.
A counselor could give you some better tools to communicate with him, even if he won’t go.
I loved Michael Bradley’s book “Yes, Your Teen Is Crazy”
Good Luck
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your S actually sounds fairly typical IMO.
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I don’t agree. My sons didn’t act like this and they’re “fairly typical”.
What’s with the concern if he goes to UWisconsin or UMinn? Sounds like one of those is instate for you.
What are his stats?
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UCB, UCLA UIUC GT
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Why would you pay OOS rates for this child?
He might not be mature enough to go away that far if he graduates early.
As long I keep a distance from him, I think we are ok. I generally email him for my concern. I think he doesn’t like the way I talk to him (very bland). He will ask me if he wants to communicate my concern or ignore it. Either way, I learn not to in his way much. Is it a good approach?
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Why would you pay OOS rates for this child? >>
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I don’t know. I just want the best for him. We are not rich (middle class). But living in WI does save some money, comparing to Chicago where we used to live.
He finished his UW Madison and MIT apps before EA deadlines. I will have to get him going on the rest of his colleges.
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will have to get him going on the rest of his colleges.
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Why? he’ll get into UW Madison won’t he? If so, then fine. If not, then I would just make sure the app is in for a good safety with merit…and then wash my hands of the situation.
He’s not being nice, so why bother “getting him going”? Let him feel the consequences of his own decisions.
Seriously, kids who have entitled attitudes and who are rude to parents need to feel the “pain” of their own behaviors, procrastinations, etc. Otherwise, you’re just enabling the bad behavior.
He’ll survive if he ends up at UW…that’s not some punishment!
@herewelearn
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can full pay but we are no longer willing to do so, given the money has a better use for his disabled sibling and our retirement.
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It is very discouraging for us. We truly don’t want to spend $60k x 4 for someone like him. He said we threatened him.
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What does that mean? “we threatened him”??
I agree, don’t ask about his essays or applications, leave it up to him.
Tell him what you can afford.
With both of my kids I stayed on top of them to get an early app in to a safety–in both cases schools with auto admission for their stats. After that, I occasionally asked how it was going and offered help if they wanted it. Once I knew they had acceptable places to go, other apps were not a big concern.