<ol>
<li>lack of flow </li>
</ol>
<p>vary your sentence length, in fact some of your sentences are absurdly long. If they take more than a breath to say then it’s too long. split them into smaller and more concise sentences </p>
<p>stay consistent with the transition words. firstly, secondly, thirdly, etc… > firstly, also, while, from </p>
<p>juxtapose-it cuts the flow when there’s only one or two highly advanced word in the whole essay </p>
<ol>
<li><p>third supporting paragraph is very lacking, your opinion without reasoning.
it’s only two sentences, that only covers the intro and conclusion. elaborate more </p></li>
<li><p>beef up the introduction </p></li>
<li><p>also, also, thus, thus, thus, although, although, thus, also, etc…
these words were repetitive throughout your essay. change it up! ’
also- plus, additionally, furthermore
thus-conclusively, therefore, ergo, consequently
although-however, but, nonetheless </p></li>
</ol>
<p>You don’t need to know fancy alternatives of these but avoid ending most of your paragraphs with thus. Avoid using also twice in the same paragraph or at least in a row. </p>
<p>The thing to work on is probably sentence length and elaboration. It’s a lot easier to read a 5-8 sentence long paragraph than the same info jammed into a 3 sentence one (and I counted, the most sentences you have in one is 4). </p>
<p>I really doubt length is the factor, length correlates with how much the student elaborated and made a stronger argument for their essay</p>