<p>^Good post, snowflake</p>
<p>Sure, we would have a lot more money IF I had continued in the career I had before the kids. We would have WAY more money IF we had opted out of having kids at all and just worked. Life is made of choices and ifs. I take the “never look back” approach. :)</p>
<p>Where are the fathers in all this? Do they do anything to raise the kids?</p>
<p>Of course the fathers raise the kids, and there are stay-at-home dads, as well, but it tends to be more difficult for a mother to decide whether she should stay home. There’s not only the logistics–money, time, work place flexibility, etc. There’s also the emotion of carrying a baby for nine months, then having a few months to dedicate all of your time to that precious baby whose love I can’t even imagine, as I am not a mother myself. After that, the mother has to decide whether to stay home with her kids and make the sacrifices already mentioned here, or to go back to work and have someone else with her child while she’s at work.</p>
<p>I think this also tends to be a bigger deal for mothers because there is harsh criticism both ways. If she goes the “traditional” route, then advocates for working mothers will look down on her. “Why couldn’t she contribute to the household? What is she doing all day when the kids are in school? This is 2011, we are strong women, she is setting us back to the 1950s.” and a whole bunch of other trash that isn’t true.</p>
<p>On the other hand, advocates for stay-at-home moms will criticize the working mother. “How could she leave her kid like that? What kind of a mother would let someone else raise her child? Does she really value money that much?” and a whole bunch of other trash that isn’t true.</p>
<p>So, yes, there are dads that raise their children, but I don’t think there is enough stigma to make it as big of an issue if the dad stays at home or goes to work. The stay-at-home dad might get a few strange looks, people might wonder where the money’s coming from if the man isn’t bringing home the bacon, some people might even question the father’s masculinity, but a father at home versus a father at work doesn’t get nearly the amount of criticism as a mother does for an already difficult, life-changing, complex decision.</p>
<p>I was not asking about SAHDs. I was asking whether in working couples the father pitches in. Someone mentioned that she has a 90 minute commute while her husband had a 10 minute commute, which was one of the reasons she went the SAHM route. That blew my mind. Why couldn’t this couple split the distance? Also I see a lot of talk about sick kids. I have taken a lot of sick child time outs from work. So I wonder why other fathers don’t do the same.</p>
<p>I have a 90+ minute commute each way, while my husband’s is less than 10 each way. He has always been the parent to participate in activities an take the kids to appointments because he is closer and has a more flexible schedule. In some ways it’s great, but it’s taken me almost two decades for me to forgive him for being the more present parent when it is what I really wanted to do.</p>
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There is a decade between my oldest and youngest child and I can say that in my experience that attitude was much more prevalent with the oldest. She was left out of parties, events and all sorts of things because the other moms didn’t know me. That’s never been the case with my youngest. Other parents in his age range seem much less judgmental. YMMV.</p>
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<p>Parenting is not a deathmatch for being more of anything.</p>
<p>About splitting the distance, sometimes it’s just not realistic. My parents considered it, but they did not feel it was worth cutting down commute time to move everyone away from family, friends, and an amazing school system. It would also have been close to impossible to sell the house at the time. </p>
<p>For the father taking time off, there’s the problem zoosermom posted, but sometimes the father’s job isn’t flexible. At my father’s job, if the school called because I had a stomachache, they literally would not give him the message. It had to be a true emergency, like someone died, was in the hospital, or was missing. One of his coworker’s houses burned down in the middle of her shift, and they didn’t give her the message!</p>
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Since parenting IS a one-shot deal, each family needs to find a balance that works for both parents. My husband and I failed to do that and it has had serious repercussions for our marriage. Time has a way of working like that. It’s the one thing you can’t get more of and I should have allowed myself to make choices based on the fact that I really wanted to be with my kids in a day-to-day manner, rather than prioritizing based on the logistical ease by which my husband could be there. It’s my life, too, and my happiness should have mattered more than it did.</p>
<p>Trying not to be TOO inflammatory here… but here goes LOL:</p>
<p>Who is being dumb here?
Are the men, the employers, the single people, the writers of the article, the authors of the study being dumb by not noticing how many women want flexibility in their jobs and careers but quit because it does not exist? Being dumb by assuming that women are unaware of all their choices ( and lack of them!)? Being dumb by twisting this all to being the women’s fault?</p>
<p>Sorry - I just could not help saying this. The whole take on this situation by the article and study was remarkably twisted in that it puts the blame and ignorance all on women!</p>
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<p>Why should there be different rules for women?</p>
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There shouldn’t be, IP, employer flexibility would provide more options for men as well. They may be less likely to take advantage of them.</p>
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<p>So it was not a matter of whether your husband could help, you didn’t want the help in the first place. That is a self-imposed restriction.</p>
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<p>Why is that?</p>
<p>In this day and age, and in today’s economy, it often isn’t simply about a nightly commute to/from home. Many parents (moms and dads) have jobs that require a good deal of travel, whether the job is in the airline industry, sales, management of overseas employees, consulting, you name it. And in today’s society, more often than not there are not extended family members (eg grandparents) nearby to help with childcare. Tough decisions need to be made to handle work/family issues.</p>
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<p>Ah, so they made tradeoffs and choices. However, it seemed like many women on this thread were stating complete lack of choices which forced them to drop out of the workforce. Not true, as your example shows above. They made some choices.</p>
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<p>ZM didn’t post a problem. It would be a problem if ZM’s husband was not willing to pull the load. That is not the case. ZM didn’t want her husband to pull the load, and he pulled it anyway. That’s not a problem. That’s … I don’t know what that is.</p>
<p>Your dad doesn’t have a cell phone? I get calls on my cell phone from my kid’s school all the time.</p>
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It’s not a question of help, it’s a question of exclusion.</p>
<p>We could turn it around and say, since he was the primary parent, that it was he who didn’t want the help and chose not to make accommodations to equitably split the time at home. But that might make your brain melt out of your ear.</p>
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<p>And why is that?</p>
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That is the God’s honest truth. I think the overriding concern is HAVING a job at all and being able to take care of the kids.</p>