<p>I don’t know. I have two Ds who are very ambitious. I have encouraged them to pursue their dreams both academically and career-wise, and so far they are doing that. I have also told them that when they have children, the reality is that they will need to put their careers aside or on hold. I am hoping that having armed them with this knowledge (which was not provided to me - quite the opposite), they can plan their lives, or at least not be disappointed and frustrated with their lives with children; but rather expect changes and sacrifices and embrace them as one of life’s passages.</p>
<p>I have always had baby lust. Always. I adore and crave babies. And little people. My life would have been completely empty without my kids and I always knew that. The greatest regret in my life is that I always worked. I feel completely cheated out of the hours of my kids’ childhoods because I had to work. My oldest daughter hopes to have kids someday, but my younger has always been clear that that’s not the right choice for her. I support and respect both positions because I greatly admire any woman who doesn’t bring a child into the world just for the heck of it. I have told them all of their lives that they can not, in fact, have it all at the same time and that part of life is making choices and setting priorities.</p>
<p>My son will be my baby forever. Mine, mine, mine.</p>
<p>I love my three children dearly. But if I known ahead of time that two of them would develop serious mental illnesses, what would I have done?? I don’t know, to be honest. I am thankful that my youngest, a girl, is healthy and a real joy, even at 14! I worry that she’ll have to help out with her brothers at some point, though.</p>
<p>Here is the thing -
Why are women supposed to embrace sacrifice to have children?
Why aren’t they instead rewarded somehow for creating the next generation of human beings? </p>
<p>Why is a new mom usually the very least interesting person at a dinner party;) And everyone prefers to sit next to someone who has a new book out?
…
…
MainLonghorn: I keep trying to find an opportune place to tell you how very sorry I am for all your parenting challenges.</p>
<p>In the spirit of an open conversation, did you tell this also to your baby? That he will have to make choices? (I dont care if you didn’t, I’m just always curious since I don’t have any boys.)</p>
<p>Good catch - “sacrifice” was my poor choice of word. I used it because that is how most people see leaving the career track for motherhood now.</p>
<p>You are making my point - thank you. Absolutely, motherhood should not be seen as a sacrifice, that is what I am trying to say. It should be seen as one of the most important roles and choices that will naturally come along for women in their lives.</p>
<p>My Precious Baby King is not getting married, poetgrl. He is staying with me FOREVER. What part of that are you not getting?</p>
<p>Seriously, though, he and I recently had a talk about the subject. He is 14 and a little flaky. So far we have gotten to, in the context of why I am not a fan of Tom Brady, “if you make a baby you raise a baby.” And “if you become a parent someday, the child must always, always come first.”</p>
<p>We’ll move on from there. I do view the kids differently in the context of parenting. My oldest is like me and I think she would be harmed in not parenting in the way she thinks is best, but I’m not sure whether my son should prioritize his wife being able to parent the way she thinks is best as I wish my husband had been able to do. I’m not explaining this well. Sorry. My husband is the best father I know and the kids benefited greatly from having him be so present, but I believe it was at the expense of what I wanted for my life and I hope my daughter isn’t in that position. My son may not grieve the lost time with the kids, as my husband wouldn’t have done, because my husband had different expectations. Being pushed to focus more on the career is equally a sacrifice for some of us.</p>
<p>thanks zoosermom. I knew several women who would have much preferred to stay home with their kids. They were really great at what they did, though, and at least one of them made far more than her husband. </p>
<p>As much as I feel sorry for the boys who date my daughters, they have had such an amazing dad, I feel really sorry for whoever gets involved with your son when he is older. ;)</p>
<p>Financial factors are only one reason why some opt out of parenthood. Other major ones I’ve heard among friends and acquaintances is the lack of time due to job obligations*, admitted lack of required maturity, need to “life life” by taking trips/adult fun activities before having kids, fear of being bad parents from experiencing such at hands of their own parents, high divorce rates which they feel is made worse if kids are involved, etc. </p>
<p>Speaking of the divorce factor, it’s also a reason why more younger people are reluctant to get married in the first place and have a much more cynical attitude towards it as an institution than older generations from what I’ve seen and read. </p>
<ul>
<li>Mostly from those working 12+ hour workdays and whose workweek can include weekends at the very last minute.</li>
</ul>
At least I’m self-aware enough to feel sorry for her, too. However, despite my best efforts, my son is the most naturally empathetic person I’ve ever met. Genuinely and unashamedly kind and affectionate. He also really gets women, which is not surprising since he has two spectacular older sisters, a hovering mom, and a grandmother who has physical challenges. He would make a great husband if not for the Momster in the background!</p>
<p>I used to be one of those women. I thought my professional career was the most important thing I could do. I was never going to have children. Hubby and I took fabulous vacations to Europe and the Caribbean. I traveled for work. I worked for big time clients. </p>
<p>But one day it hit me (and appropriate for this time of year). When our parents died, when my nieces and nephews had lives and families of their own, our Thanksgiving table was going to be empty, empty, empty. Life was going to be lonely. </p>
<p>So as DS likes to say, with my last two eggs, I had twins. The joy was indescribable and I often shudder at how foolish I was when I was starting my career thinking that was important. It was nothing. A way to make money. </p>
<p>Raising kids is THE most important, life changing, fulfilling thing one can ever do.</p>
<p>re. women who would prefer to stay home with children</p>
<p>This is something I believe we should be talking to our children about: primary caregiving as a valid life choice, but one for which it is important to plan in advance, if at all possible. Sometimes ivy educated young women confide in me that they really want to have babies, and stay home with those babies. Unless they are independently wealthy and/or fine with the idea single parenting… my advice is to pick a partner who supports that life choice. You have to talk about it. Obviously you can’t plan for all of life’s unexpected variables but I believe it is important to have this discussion prior to deciding on a long term commitment. I think young men need to be clear about their feelings, too. Lots of career ambitious young women would benefit from male partners who preferred to be SAHDs. I see this happening frequently with sons of my friends. It’s a definite trend in my world. I don’t see being ivy educated as a disadvantage to these men :)</p>
<p>Yep, talk about it. But this article is a part of that. Women don’t see children, anymore, as an inevitability, the way we did. My husband would have been happy if I wanted to stay home or not, as long as I was getting what I needed, too. He never saw the “all sacrificing” mother archetype as particularly attractive in a partner, but he also told me at the time I was making the choice that any of his kids who got to spend that much time with me would benefit. </p>
<p>I think he would be a stay at home grandfather. He would take the kids in all day long so my daughters could have it all. He would enjoy every second of it, too. I would be fine with that, as well. Sometimes I think the great loss is the extended family, actually, and this is the reason we need different “policy” just as happened when men no longer wandered in tribes and we had to socialize police and fire and the military protection we take for granted.</p>
<p>I mothered because it was fun. It really was my calling in life. If it hadn’t been fun - I’d have worked for money. I had the ultimate luxury to decide what my life’s work should be and pursue it… really really a luxury. My parents were shocked as long as they lived I didn’t find day-to-day childrearing “boring” - my husband never doubted I was serious about my stated intentions. It worked out very well for us. </p>
<p>poetgrl: I know several sets of grandparents doing primary grandchildcare and it is working out beautifully for all involved. It is possible my daughter-in-law’s mother will retire to raise our grandchildren. She feels she missed out on that life experience. I am happy to cede it to her :)</p>
<p>My husband will retire at 54 and has always said that he wants to be one of the caregivers for potential grandchildren. He sees himself as the Little League coach (he used to play professional baseball) and the guy moving the sets at the ballet recital. I think he would be amazing at that.</p>
<p>
Am I allowed to say that he is also tall, lean and has amazing blue eyes? Unfortunately, he’s a slob who has not yet honed his organizational skills.</p>
<p>Yes, alh, my kids were a lot of fun to parent, which I’m sure has influenced my husband’s view of childcare, coaching, set building, and chauferring. He did quite a bit of that. As did I.</p>
<p>Zoos, you ought not advertise what you are not yet ready to give up. ;)</p>
<p>Whatever choice one makes, I’m very happy to live somewhere and in a time when we can even have these discussions. </p>
<p>I do think policies need to change dramatically if we want to encourage women, specially highly educated and career women, to have children. </p>
<p>I just had to read that Slaughter article for class yesterday. Definitely an interesting discussion…</p>
<p>My dad will be an amazing grandpa but I’m terrified that my parents won’t live long enough to see any grandchildren. They’re both in poor health. I grew up without grandparents and I hated it.</p>
got me! </p>