Ill give you an allegory from the business world:
I work on a retained basis to find executives for companies. That means I interview and evaluate executives routinely, and work closely with my clients to help them choose which one to hire.
In a typical search, I will speak to 200 or more executives, most of whom are working and highly successful in the industry in which my client is in (I dont advertise, so Im contacting people already in the industry, and not dealing with people just randomly sending out resumes). Ill bring that group down to five ultimately, and bring those five to my client, who will hire one person.
Although some are turned down because they have job hopped or come across as jerks, most get turned down because they dont fit the narrow requirements that my client has established for the position. They dont have enough experience in the industry, or their industry experience isnt close enough, for example. Or I simply think that their personality wont click with the management team in place.
Virtually all of the candidates I speak to think they are perfect fits for the position. Some become furious when I tell them no. If they were sitting in my seat, some might realize why those I chose were the right ones. However, they dont get to see this.
An admissions officer would say the same thing. You havent sat in their seat, and read applications from kids from all over the country and all over the world. If you could see how accomplished their applicant pool is, you might get an inkling of why your child was turned down. Your child might get this inkling as well, but with the biased glasses that we all see ourselves and those who are close to us, might not quite be able to see why they chose Kid X over you child.
Remember, there are over 35,000 valedictorians graduating from high school in this country every year, and most valedictorians have impressive achievements beyond academics. Add in the salutatorians, and youre up to 70,000 kids. Throw in the top 5% and youre into some big, big numbers. As teacher David McCullough told the graduating group at Wellesley High in 2012, Youre not special. (He closed his remarks with a Zen flip, saying, Everybodys special, its a great speech to watch, and is on Youtube).
The high school high achiever is a big fish in a small pond. High school is actually an easy place in which to excel, especially if youre willing (unlike most high school kids) to work hard. Even people who are modestly successful in the real world work long hours and work hard. Those who have developed a strong work ethic in high school will find that this will pay off eventually if they keep it up, even if they get rejected at dream school and match school and wind up at safety school. Going to safety school certainly doesnt mean that all that hard work was for nothing.
Some people start their careers at prestige employers like Google. Others wind up with companies making insignificant-seeming subcomponents that become $3 parts of $250,000 equipment. And Ive seen the latter person become far more successful than the first one I just mentioned, just as Ive seen some people from Turnip State University far exceed people who have graduated from Harvard.
Rejection is an every day part of life. For many high achievers, a college rejection is the first significant rejection that they get. Some say its a hard lesson to learn, but I get rejected constantly, and so do most successful people. I think its a necessary lesson, not a hard one. After rejection, successful people just continue on down the road, adjusting their path now and then, and continually turn over the next rock until they get somewhere. Then they keep going down the road and lift up new rocks.
Thats the message I will give my child, who is an incredibly hard-working, busy high achiever and who probably will be rejected at a number of excellent schools at which she could be very successful. Shell still be special.