<p>haha, with charity to all and malice towards none</p>
<p>Kristen, I was kidding</p>
<p>Now I feel horrible…guess I gotta go do that chem homework</p>
<p>tdanielle, thank you for starting this thread - it’s so much fun, as well as being quite informative. I had a few more questions for you, but other parents beat me to them - the one about why teens don’t make plans, and the one about dating. </p>
<p>I do have another question or two - the first pertains to relationship status on Facebook.</p>
<p>What is the difference between being “in a relationship,” “engaged,” or “married” when we are talking about teens who are clearly not really engaged or married? I am asking because my daughter has been “in a relationship” with the same guy since last March (with a short break-up period over the summer). On occasion, I have noticed that acquaintances of hers have announced that they are “engaged” or “married,” or no longer “engaged” or “married.” How are those things different from “going out” or being “in a relationship?”</p>
<p>Also, if either you or Ninja can answer another question - as I said, my D has a BF of many months. They do go out on dates alone, as well as spend time with friends - but they rarely make plans in advance, unless it is for a birthday or something special like that. My D also has a guy friend (who she started hanging around with while she and her BF were broken up over the summer) - this guy is so nice and considerate, as well as being very cute and very smart. Anyway, my D often goes out with this friend, he drives her home from school, picks her up to hang out with friends and sometimes even drives her home after she has gone out with her BF (even though the BF drives as well). My question is a two-parter: 1) Why would her BF be ok with this other guy spending so much time with his GF, to the point of letting him drive her home when he is perfectly capable of driving her home himself? and 2) Do you think that this other boy really just likes my D as a friend, or does it sound like something more? I tease her that I feel like she has two bfs, one that she goes out with, and one that drives her home. She gets annoyed, but I just don’t get it.</p>
<p>Why do 13-14 yr old girls feel the need to be horrible to their parents in the presence of friends. My D is in a really good place as far as communication and for the most part is a pleasure to be around. But when she has a group of girls over she becomes a pain. ( My thought it is that she is not comfortable where she stands with the friends. As when she has her best friend over who we know well she doesn’t exhibit the same behavior)
Also ninja- why must boys show everyone their boxer shorts?</p>
<p>Limo, Facebook relationship statuses don’t mean much at all. Don’t read into them. Many people have fake relationship statuses as well; they’ll put that they are engaged to one of their friends or something like that. Though it’s possible that their fb relationship status changes with the ebbs and flows of their feelings for each other, I doubt it. </p>
<p>Is it possible your friend’s platonic guy friend is gay? That would explain why the boyfriend doesn’t care if they spend time together, and it’s something that she may be reluctant to share since it’s his personal information. </p>
<p>Mom60, she’s probably just acting out in order to show her friends that she has the power to act however she wants to. It would probably be a big blow to yell at her or talk to her about this in front of her friends. If you tell her privately that you’re hurt by the way she acts with you when she’s with her friends, she will probably try harder to be more respectful.</p>
<p>
I never understood why it’s inappropriate to show boxer shorts? They are shorts after all, not thongs. They don’t show anything.</p>
<p>I would like to note that I am a generally-snobby adult past the half-century mark, and I enjoy (some) rap and hip-hop. More than my children (21 and 18), in fact, although the gap has narrowed a lot in the past few years.</p>
<p>I don’t generally like top-40 hip-hop, although sometimes I will enjoy a track for its hooks or some quality I like. I am generally pretty contemptuous of “gangsta rap,” too, but there are exceptions.</p>
<p>What do I like about it? Verbal inventiveness, of course. Verbal performance, too. You try to write/speak like Jay-Z . . . it ain’t easy to do. The sense of hip-hop as a true American art form, no less than jazz is, with a connection to African and African-American folk culture (dozens and toasting, drumming), appropriations from and references to other forms of popular culture, its own history and self-consciousness. A contemporary form of balladry (and minstrelsy, too). A weird, complex channel of communication (both ways) between minority and dominant cultures in America and increasingly all over the world. And of course inventiveness with rhythm and sonic textures, too.</p>
<p>For my kids, hip-hop was generally the music of thoughtless suburban white yahoos. They preferred semi-pretentious indie rock, the music of urban white intellectuals. (I did, too, just not as much as they did.) They felt like they had to reject hip-hop to maintain their cred as smart kids. They have come off that, though.</p>
<p>haha–sorry i missed the sarcasm…it can be hard to pick up in typing! :)</p>
<p>limom:</p>
<p>1) Why would her BF be ok with this other guy spending so much time with his GF, to the point of letting him drive her home when he is perfectly capable of driving her home himself?</p>
<p>at first glance, it seems like your daughter and her boyfriend have a pretty stable and healthy relationship. assuming that is correct, i’d say one of the following is probably true: BF and guy are friends, possibly even good friends, or BF and guy are strangers.</p>
<p>if BF and guy are friends, then they probably have talked about guy’s friendship with your daughter before. i had a boyfriend for quite some time in high school (to the tune of three years!) and was extremely good friends with other guys while he and i were together. i actually introduced him to some of his best guy friends because they were mine first! because BF and guy friends were friends too, my BF had no problem and didn’t think twice about it when i would hang out with other guys even if it was just me and another one. your daughter likely has stumbled upon a very trusting and not jealous BF and since they are hard to come by in teenagers–she should definitely stick with him!</p>
<p>if BF and guy are not friends, i would think that’s slightly more fishy. who knows about what ulterior motives may lie with your daughter’s friendship with guy, but if you’re concerned about her relationship with BF you could just ask her. maybe she and guy like to hang out when BF is busy, or maybe they share a hobby BF doesn’t like, or maybe she just has a few sets of friends. as strange as you think their budding friendship is, if BF doesn’t seem to mind then there’s probably little or nothing to worry about. after all, BFs tend to be quite protective over their GFs (as much as they will or will not admit it), so if something screwy were going on…i’m sure he’d have some way of finding out.</p>
<p>2) Do you think that this other boy really just likes my D as a friend, or does it sound like something more? I tease her that I feel like she has two bfs, one that she goes out with, and one that drives her home. She gets annoyed, but I just don’t get it.</p>
<p>yes, i think it is definitely possible that guy and daughter are just platonic friends. i have many platonic guy friends that i am just not romantically attracted to. my guys range from the jocks to the dorks to the super hot and everything in between, and more than once i’ve been teased about leaving my long term BF (an amazing guy, nonetheless) for one of my other guy friends. i’d agree with you that it seems strange that he drives her home when BF is perfectly capable, but maybe it’s just more convenient for guy to driver her home after a night out–especially in a group setting. seems to me like gender is starting to mean less and less when it comes to forming deep friendships: i have guy friends, girl friends, gay friends, and straight friends and honestly don’t really care who you are as long as we get along.</p>
<p>wouldn’t stress about it. as long as your daughter seems happy and her relationship with BF doesn’t seem to change as her friendship with guy grows deeper, everything should be just fine.</p>
<p>Ha-ha x 2. I think I can address limom’s questions, too, since my son could easily be the “other guy”, except for the fact that we don’t live anywhere near “li” and the girl in question’s mom wouldn’t be asking this question.</p>
<p>Actually, he had two such relationships, each a little different.</p>
<p>In the main, longest-lasting one, my son and the girl had been friends since they were 6, and close/best friends starting around age 12, especially after she lost her two closest female friends (one to a move, one to other factors that caused the friend to ditch all of her existing friends). At the start of 12th grade, the girl suddenly acquired a boyfriend, but that barely affected the amount of time she spent with my son. Sometimes he would do things with the girl and the boyfriend, just the three of them or in larger groups; sometimes they would be together without the boyfriend, alone or in larger groups. Of course, she spent time alone with the boyfriend, too. He lived much nearer to us than to her; sometimes she would come to our house from his, and sometimes she would go the other direction. </p>
<p>I don’t know what the boyfriend thought of this, although he was perfectly polite and pleasant the few times I met him. Also, as you might imagine, very laid back. My strong impression was that no one ever asked his opinion, and obviously he was willing to live with that. The girl was clearly calling the shots in the relationship. At least initially, her interest in the boyfriend seemed limited to one thing (yes, that thing), and she kept her other friends for all other purposes. Over time, the boyfriend integrated himself more into her life, but she never let him take it over. (My son met him fairly early on, but didn’t spend a lot of time with him for several months after the relationship began.)</p>
<p>As for the second part of the question – Years ago, my son was certainly interested in the girl romantically. I always assumed that if she had showed the slightest interest, he would reciprocate, but in general he denied that (just not very credibly). In any event, by the time the boyfriend came along, they had pretty much worked through whatever tensions they had in their relationship due to differing objectives, and the relationship was pretty drama-free. He always had plenty of other girls who were interested in him or in whom he was interested – sometimes both at the same time. </p>
<p>In the other such relationship, the girl was interested in him, he liked her but-not-that-way, the boyfriend was extremely jealous, and the boyfriend ultimately shut the friendship down, except for occasional slipping around behind his back (by the girl). It was a little sad, because in this case the boyfriend and his brother were both friends of my son before the girl got involved, and my son really lost them as friends over the whole situation, even though he was thrilled that the girl had found a nice boyfriend who wasn’t he.</p>
<p>Limom, I agree with Kristin’s assessment of the situation. Either the guy is apathetic (unlikely) or he is one of the enlightened few who trusts his gf (your daughter). It sounds to me like he is secure and trusting. If he is unaware of the situation, then either there is nothing going on and your daughter doesn’t want him to overreact or there is an additional interest between the male friend and your daughter. I had a girlfriend for about 2 and a half years who hung out with my male friends without me very often and it never bothered me. Trust is big. Of course is the male friend is gay, like corranged theorized, then there wouldn’t be an issue, friend or stranger.</p>
<p>As for boxer shorts, mom60, the style has a rather…dark history. In prison, inmates are usually not given belts because they may strangle other inmates or hang themselves with them. No belt = saggy britches that show underwear. This style got out of prison and started getting “worn” by the hip-hop and rap stars, and it went from there. Just like every other fashion trend, it pretty much defies logic. I believe there is a similar situation with people wearing shoes sans laces, a prison mandate that got embraced by the wider society.</p>
<p>Ninja, I am again astounded by your seemingly infinite wisdom.</p>
<p>Limo (and mom60), as other moms have beat you to questions, it seems my peers have beat me to answers</p>
<p>This is a GREAT thread!! </p>
<p>I am an annoying mom. I love rap, ever since Melle Mel, straight through Public Enemy, Eminem and right up through JKwon. (I also like Aesop Rock, ninja.) Mostly I like the energy of rap as well as the attitude and the good beats. Not too into the hos and guns, I’ll admit.</p>
<p>My question for the girls:</p>
<p>How come girls seem to constantly overlook the ‘deep and sweet’ boys in favor of the frat boy hook-up types? I DONT GET IT.</p>
<p>AND: turnabout is fair play, so ask me any Mom questions on your mind. :)</p>
<p>This is a sad sad answer, but based on what I have seen, the nice boys are too easy. One smile and they are in love with you. However, this is not always the case. My older brother is the sweetest boy in the world and he found the sweetest girl I have ever met and have been together for 2 years.</p>
<p>I have a Mom question, can I pm it to you? Also, if anyone feels the need to pm there questions to me(if they are privatish), feel free.</p>
<p>My ‘deep & sweet’ son gets attention, too… it’s more that my D is always interested in those macho abercrombie boys and overloooking the equally good looking but maybe slightly awkward ones who would worship her.</p>
<p>Lol, I am all for the equally good looking slightly awkward worshippers!</p>
<p>Yes, pm away, glad to oblige</p>
<p>please explain the pants- for the girls, so tight they create a muffin top, and for the guys, so baggy and saggy, they can barely walk- do guys really think this is an attractive look? and girls, do you think tighter is sexier?</p>
<p>and please explain the need to look at pictures on facebook…</p>
<p>and please explain the need to be in a really messy room…not my ds, but some friends, omG…</p>