What is the BIL saying he’s seeing? Or is it just a conspiracy theory? And how is he ‘seeing’ it if he lives on the west coast and MIL is on the east coast? I’d be more inclined to believe someone who sees her several times a week.
I am not clear if the suspected drugging is taking place at the new facility, where you are waiting for a spot, or at the facility she is in now?
I want my elderly loved ones to be drugged into happiness, or at least comfort, if at all possible, unless they object. I though dadx had a great post. I think there is a limit as to what can be expected from caregivers, and that with a very difficult patient there is probably a greater chance of elder abuse. So sorry you have to deal with this.
“We have visited 4 times in 11 months. Is this enough? Don’t know. We have hired a woman who visits 3 to 4 times a week to listen to her talk. She sees nothing suspicious…and she is employed by us.” You are incredibly kind. (And now I am feeling a little selfish about not seeing my MIL more.) I need to be more caring for my H as he takes care of MIL. H has a sister, but she does not help. I am thankful for my wonderful siblings. Everybody helps my mom, at least a little bit. My sisters are amazing. Sending you a (HUG), bevhills.
Care facilities are often short staffed.
In the last few months of her life, my mom who was recovering from having an ICD implanted at a rehab facility, but was having difficulty recovering and was found unconscious after she had been given her daily medication. She often gagged while taking it, and I expect they did not have time to observe her taking it that morning.
Agree that assisted living and nursing care are two very different things. Typically assisted living is very limited as to what medications they can handle for clients and how hands on they are. In nursing care they may be able to handle nearly all of her medical needs, barring things that need a specialist or hospitalization. I disagree that Medicaid places are worse. It may sometimes be the case but one of the best places in our area accepts Medicaid. My mom is there. There was a period of time when it was rough, getting her medicines adjusted so she could sleep, but wasn’t lathargic, wasn’t anxious or depressed, etc. it is harder when the staff doesn’t know the person well to know what is normal for them. I am surprised sometimes, even at this very nice place where my mom is, how I often have to suggest they check something. They always do it quickly, and many things they do follow up on without prompting, but not everything…perhaps they would given more time. You should be able to get a list of all Ned’s she is prescribed, and the dosages. You can also get reports on when she has Ben given medicines that are ‘as needed’ or if she has refused medicines. Just because it is prescribed doesn’t mean she takes it.
bevhills, has it been a while since BIL saw your MIL? It could be that she’s deteriorated since the last time he saw her and it was a shock to him. What kind of qualifications does the person you hired to stop by have?
You might want to post to the parentscaringfortheparents thread where manyof us have been there/done that, long distance and close by, including many of us who have, shall we say, mixed feelings about the elderly parent/parent-in-law that we are caring for and siblings/siblings-in-law who are involved or not.
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1385049-parents-caring-for-the-parent-support-thread.html
They are a hospice and nursing here. MIL is number one on a list here in Los Angeles. The place that she is currently in has (on the same site) assisted living, nursing car, Alzheimers and hospice. The place where she is on the list is here in Los Angeles. The person who comes in to “visit” was hired by a family member who lives nearby the home. She is, by all accounts, an honest, sweet and patient. There have been no negatives about her.
When did BIL go back east? I don’t know…not recently.
Now, normally I would be on the phone once or twice a week to say hi. I would have sent baskets of muffins/bagels/pizza for the staff at least once a week. Why don’t I do this here? Because several years ago when I called her she started screaming at me (when I asked if she needed a new sweater) she didn’t get the concept that I was willing to pick up, pay for and deliver a new sweater because I thought that she might enjoy it. She (not the first time, so this is not dementia…she was like this when I met her) screamed at me that I was a filthy kike…and to never call her again. I haven’t…called her.
I did deserve a better MIL. I think that I am a decent MIL.
I am a geriatric social worker in a facility that has three units: short term rehab, long term care, and a secured dementia unit. Every state has their own laws. Every state has their own mandated care numbers. As for being over medicated, a physician decides the meds and doses, not the facility and certainly not the nurses. Some facilities are great, others not so great. But I think most do what they can with the resources they are given, depending on state assistance, etc. I personally would keep a close eye on my relative (or have my husband do so). In the case of any type of medical care, I firmly believe that self-advocacy (or that of a HCP) is key ~ the squeeky wheel…
As a psychologist, with an expertise in geriatrics, I’ve been hired by families to visit their parents once a week to once a month. I review meds with internist and psychiatrist, as well as in-staff nurses. I don’t think there is any local hospital or facility that I have not worked at. I am assuming your family has such a person hired. In reality, all my fees are paid by insurance. For sure, most of my referrals come from doctors.
Families are considered generous if they send food packages once a year. No point in sending her clothes. They need to be labelled with her room number, and able to be sent to laundry. Anything better is a waste.
Yes, bevhills, you definitely deserved a better MIL!
You deserve a way better MIL, ellebud, and you’re kind to be so concerned about this racist harridan.
If the person who is visiting your MIL doesn’t see a problem, why does your BIL think there is a problem?
My mom says she’s going to live with her other family because they have a house with 5 bedrooms. It’s in a completely fictional town in Texas.
An assisted living center is not the same as a skilled nursing facility. The assisted living may not require a drug regimen review by a consultant pharmacist. >>>>>>
I did misspeak. Federal law requires a drug regimen review every six months in assisted living facilities. Believe it or not, LOL. This my dh’s profession.
I guess I am not understanding what the crisis is. PITA MIL is well cared for, so it seems, per the paid visitor, in the east. BIL is apparently generating suspicion that one of the facilities (I think the potential new one, but not sure) may overmedicate the residents. Based on what? Hearsay from the relative who worked there in the past? No current evidence? I guess I don’t see any crisis, other than the BIL stirring up unnecessary tsuris. Don’t let this BIL cause agitas. If he has some hard evidence that MIL is in danger, let him present it. Otherwise ignore.
As an aside, did your DH stand up for you when his mother treated you so terribly?
Bevhills, I have no advice but I want to tell you that you are a wonderful person for being caring to that woman, no matter how she has treated you. I know you realize that people like her are projecting their own misery on to others. Being able to see the humanity in her, and continuing to advocate that she be treated with dignity, even if she is unable to treat others with dignity is your gift, and your mitzvah.
Jym: Mr. Ellebud did stand up for me with the last “fight”…he called her and asked what precipitated the last kike phone call. Her version was the same as mine. He really gave it to her. Did he always agree with my assessments? No, not early on. But he respected my feelings and my responses to say that our children didn’t deserve to hear their bigotry. We didn’t speak to them for years. The first time my kids met them was at a memorial service at our home. I am the toughest mama bear in these woods…It is difficult for an adult child to fully appreciate or understand that the people who give you life are, on their best day, despicable. A book, non fiction came out and my fil was prominently depicted in the book…adultery and racism. Loved the book…not Lest you think that this was the fantasy of the author…no…fil gave interviews for him…the author I mean.
Pennylane: Thank you. Thank you. I am trying. And it isn’t easy.
bevhills, again, you are a good person to want to do right by someone who did not do right by you. It’s a lot easier to want to help someone you love than someone that you don’t.
And again, the parentshelpingtheparents thread always has good advice, including something posted just today about evaluatiing facilities and care.
My sympathy and empathy.
bevhills, wow, it is certainly difficult.
I also agree with you about protecting the kids. As unpleasant as it is, adults see a bigger picture.
In addition to being compassionate, you are setting an example for your children in forgiveness and doing the right thing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean you forget, but it is what you do for you. She’s old and sick, and powerless to hurt you. You, on the other hand, will have the knowlege that you acted according to your conscience.