@brantly: it could have been that she didn’t mention her mom’s death because she was feeling emotionally drained and vulnerable. When my mom died, I was that way… emotions were raw for awhile and talking about her and her passing would make me pretty tearful. I don’t like crying in front of people… especially people who aren’t close friends or family.
I’m actually an extrovert, but am not on social media and consider myself more of a private person than an open book. I share pretty openly with friends, but am a really big fan of boundaries. I live where I work, and the one drawback to that is that everyone knows everyone else’s business! It’s challenging to be private when you are surrounded by your colleagues 24/7.
Wow, brantly, that is shocking. I certainly have known people with that sense of privacy and what they don’t say can be astounding.
I grew up in a very emotionally honest household, and came of age at a time and place where encounter groups and therapeutic and honest conversation were the order of the day. Think Esalen Institute and the like. My friendships were transparent and full of conversational self disclosure as well as mutual support.
Moving to the Midwest, I approached friendships in the same manner. Life has been rough at times, bad marriage, divorce etc. . Most of my friends are married still. I have watched myself gradually shut down the transparency of communications over the decades, to keep things light and positive in friendships. I have learned that few people want to share with that degree of self disclosure. I have great friends, but also am very aware of cultural gaps between my current environment and how I grew up. On the other hand, I also have learned to have clear boundaries with some folks who are needy and over share, as I know I can get pulled in excessively and loose myself in the process. I sit in the middle with Meyers Briggs, can act like an extrovert, but adore my alone time like an introvert, much as mentioned by Consolation and Lookingforward above.
Now some of this may be age as well as culture. Have many of you watched the intimacy of friendships and boundaries change over the decades? Has your way of relating changed with moves to other parts of the country or world?
Some people don’t share when it’s really not the other person’s business. Or when they’re pretty sure the reaction won’t be the sort of personal support they need. That’s not necessarily a trust issue. I see it as more practical.
Kind of a “Just the facts, ma’am” orientation. You aren’t denying others info that builds a friendship. You’re filtering what does go out.
CC is where I “let loose.” IRL, unless you are family or my small inner circle, most consider me extremely introverted, a “just the facts” person who avoids crowds and can attend a party and just smile and nod. I am married to my opposite, though. He’ll talk to a wrong number. Somehow it works, although, even with him, I have a few privacy boundaries.
I don’t even let loose on CC.
IRL, I do chat up strangers, happily. But again, not my life story. It started on CC because I didn’t want my employer to recognize me. But also, college was the first time I met people who routinely played “20 questions.” (I prefer to take people on their own merits.) It wasn’t the amiable thing Consolation noted. Rather, a pretty obvious need to size others up. (Peculiar to the setting.) “What’s your daddy do?” Weird.
I guess I consider things on a need to know basis. I’m coming from the assumption most people don’t really care about the nitty gritty. A few things I don’t talk to anyone about - sex, I try to never speak negatively about my husband, you’d have to kill me before I told you how much I weighed, and I barely even want my finance person knowing how much I earn. My husband on the other hand - we do have the same 2 first “rules” - but he’d tell you anything you wanted to know, and probably in excruciating detail. I try and tell him he doesn’t owe really deep explanations to people, and my goodness he can leave such long voice mail messages I’m sure he’s deleted all the time.
I have levels of people I share with - husband, sisters, friends - in that order. For example - I tried botox for the first time a few weeks ago. My one sister had done it so I told her. She said she didn’t tell her husband, I told mine. First of all he’ll see the payment, secondly while I didn’t need his permission I value his opinion. But those are the only two who know - and now of course, all of you.
Interesting topic. I have a neighbor I can’t figure out. We used to walk our kids back and forth to elementary school years ago. Our daughters were in a carpool together for 3 years of middle school. She likes to give little gifts for Christmas, and we usually go out to lunch for our birthdays. We will chat for a long time about parenting, our extended families, etc. But she will absolutely not give me her cell phone number! I have asked her for it more than once, given her mine, etc. I know she has a cell phone, and almost got the number from her kid once. She will email me or send her kid to my door. I wish she would directly tell me why she won’t give out the number. I’ve asked her and she gets weirdly evasive and changes the subject. Trying to save $ with a limited plan? Don’t want me to spam her with texts or waste her time calling/chatting for no reason? (She knows I’m not that type.) Just can’t figure it out. I’ve known her for 10 years. But she is more of a neighbor/close acquaintance than intimate friend.
I also have some inlaws who won’t talk about money or illness/ death. Taboo subjects to them. My family is very open about these things.
My wife tries not to give her cell phone number out and it is for a very simple reason; it is never turned on. People that generally ask for the number are looking for a quick easy way to contact her and don’t understand cell phone is the worst way to reach her.
The reason is she is a teacher and can not have a cell phone in the classroom and rather than have it sit getting texts and running through battery in the car all day it sits turned off until she needs it. She will turn it on, make her call and often turns it back off before she receives any text messages. People that don’t (or won’t) accept her phone use get incredibly frustrated when she doesn’t respond to text messages so it is just easier to not give out the number.
Not saying this is your case but there are very valid reasons not to give out a cell number.
I probably used to be more ‘just the facts’ than I am now. After going thru my divorce ten years ago I really found close friends who convinced me it was ok to be vulnerable in front of them. After that I began to see that the more open/vulnerable I was the more comfortable the other person would be. If I had cried in front of them, they felt ok to cry in front of me. I have tried to explain to my kids that if you want to be close to others, you have to let them in and see that your life isn’t just the bestest all the time. People want to help.
Not to be confused with those people who consitently are victims or overshare --just meant for those of us who used to be made of stone.
I too am amazed, two kids and one is very private, wouldn’t give me internet passwords or want us to see his phone. Other asks me to help him and gladly gives me personal info so I can save him time/trouble doing things for him.
Maybe privacy (in this case) is preferable, as the one who is not private is also too dependent on others.
I am sure not all privacy is a form if independence but in our case it is a major factor in the desire for privacy,
among our kids.
My parents and in-laws felt they had the right to know or analyze every detail about our lives – from childhood through, say, about two hours ago. To protect ourselves, DH learned to shut down and I learned to lie. When we didn’t share details, MIL said we were dysfunctional and my mother was wounded. We’ve gotten better at not opening a topic that could become a slippery slope and have gotten good enough to not need to tell my mother (only surviving parent/in-law) that we won’t tell her something.
With friends DH and I are both pretty open, not so much with details about events, but about emotional impacts and processes.
Both sons are on Facebook; one posts occasionally and the other last posted around two years ago. We follow their preferences for revealing information about them. We also try not to speculate about them or their lives.
I will, however, immediately share All Things Dog with total strangers.
There’s one family down the street that definitely falls into the weird category about privacy. The mom told our public school that her children should not be in any school photos or identified publicly. Apparently, both the man and wife are attorneys. I wonder what kind of clients they’re representing
I’m a member of a very friendly organization and there’s a lot of picture taking and selfie activity going on. I try to suddenly get busy elsewhere when the phones come out because I don’t want my picture on Facebook.
I am extroverted in my professional life…have to be but I am a private introverted person who exhausts easily and quickly when I have to be “on” I will share anecdotes of my life professionally but not too personal. I have a small fb social circle but even then cull and edit carefully. Those close to me know me personally and have no need to read up online. I will call my very best personal friends if I want to share more than a sentence or two. I know a lotta people and alotta people know me but very few know me deeply.
I’ve got a friend who communicates with her husband via fb, little things like finding the remote. Odd thing is, they both work at home, could talk to each other. It’s not a problem in their relationship. It’s how very much she eeds to let everyone see the workings of her life. She’s one of those who posts lots of pics of herself as a child and the next 50 years, what she thinks of some recording, and more. Too much.
Hah, I text my husband all the time when I can’t locate him in the house. Hate to wander all over yelling his name and trying to guess where he is or if he’s inside or outside…
