Cell phone abuse

citygirlsmom · May 17, 2005, 12:57am

Mommy Dearest, not to sound mean, but your D sounds a bit spoiled and manipulative. She is off in not having to pay for anything, having a great time, and whining.

She doesn’t want to waste YOUR money on calling you. She is spoiled.

if she was paying for this glorious year abroad, she would be an adult. But she is not. She is off spending you money with little regard for your feelings and you say, Okay Dear.

If she was off taking care of herself, working, doing something worthwhile, that would be one thing, but the fact she can’t break away to call her mom seems pretty self involved and selfish to me. An adult takes responsibilty for their actions, an adult admits doing wrong, an adult is grateful for what they have, this girl is not even close to being an adult. She hasn’t had to be.

I am sure some people hear will be mad at me for speaking so harshly, but sometimes it needs to be done.

This time its her birthday, next week it will be someone elses, or a concert, or a beach trip.

I would TELL her she has a budget. Period. She will somehow live with it.

Her mean, nasty email shows you she has little regard for your feelings, your genorousity, or your sacrifice.

But it is your choice. You either stand up and stick to your budget, or let her have her way. But if you do, you really can’t complain. Its what you have allowed to happen.

I understand what I said is pretty strong. But after reading this thread, I thought someone ought to say it.

citygirlsmom · May 17, 2005, 1:18am

Is she studying this summer? Is she just traveling around?

She is seeing a therapist, so there are some other issues here.

Something to think about, and I don’t know the details, but, could daughter be using her past issues that required the start of the therapy to make you feel guilty (or for you feeling guilty all on your own) and perhaps talking advantage of the situation?

Has the therapy helped? Has she managed to take care of herself well enough to live abroad? And do you see that she can make decisions for her life, or is this year abroad, especially this summer, a way of avoiding that- really taking care of herself and being responsible? If the therapy did indeed help, then she should be showing you more respect, because she will see she is part of a bigger world. If it didn’t does this summer abroad really make sense?

Sure, she feels bad about the phone bill. It caused her some problems. But she doesn’t feel bad enough or learned enough to realize she has cause you some problems. And she continues to hurt you.

I have a friend whose daughter is in therapy. The mom is always torn between “wow I am sooo glad D is doing such fun things and acting normally” to “Um, why isn’t she following my rules and why is she taking advantage of us”

And, Mom was afraid to cause a stink because she feels a bit responsible that child is in therapy, even though Mom is a great mom, because she felt she must have done something wrong and doesn’t want D mad at her. D knows this, and for awhile was indeed taking advantage. The Mom knew it wasn’t doing daughter any good to not have her be responsible and show respect for the family.

Just some thoughts.

Mommy_Dearest · May 17, 2005, 8:30am

1) She is volunteering this summer. Actually, it doesn’t cost very much. It costs me $75.00 a week for housing, and food (which I’d have to buy anyway if she came home). I figured she’s there already, and everyone benefits from volunteer work.

2) The therapy seems to be helping. My friends, and the staff at her school, told me that they see positive changes in her.

citygirlsmom · May 17, 2005, 9:48am

THat is really good. I just know what I saw happening with friend’s D. Good kid too, but not so dumb not to pull typical teen stuff!!!

I am glad to hear the therapy is helping.

Take Care

somemom · May 17, 2005, 2:15pm

Mommy Dearest-
A big hug to you. It is so painful to see your child in pain (whatever caused the need for psychological intervention) and it is difficult to balance being happy to see them act normal and not wanting to trigger the issue versus the need to be a parent.

My D gave us a tough time emotionally in her senior year. It was not a happy time, She was a 4.0, varsity athlete, etc., but boyfriend issues interfered with everything and she was an emotional wreck- amusingly, she does not recall the pain of that year the way we do. I think it has taken my H several years to get over it!

As much as we could we set down rules and stuck to them. For example, we give Ds a budget for all clothing and other needs, we gave her the $ in January to last until the end of the year- D was out of money by March, we did not provide anything, other than the ability to earn $ around the house! She had transport to school and food to eat, but her ability to play in those last few months of senior year was several hampered and it was a bummer, but she made her bed and she had to lie in it. She is still not the best money manager in the family, but is doing much better and we still don’t rescue her. She is learning and she would not if she was like the other girls at her school with daddy’s credit card and no real limits.

The first year at school she did not call much and we did not put ANY pressure on her to call- we sent occasional fun boxes, regular emails, etc., but we put no pressure on her whatsoever. At the end of the 1st year she had some roommate issues and called for advice, that was brave as she could have chosen her roommate more wisely, but we did not blame or lecture her, we simply acted as a sounding board and made it apparent that it is safe to call- no lectures, no recriminations. By putting pressure to call, the kids quickly decide nothing they do is ever enough, so why bother. Some months life is overwhelmingly busy and we don’t hear much- I can always go online to check her bank account to verify she is alive by the debit purchases :p

I think you should convey to your daughter that there is a safety issue with her alone overseas- you need to hear something-email, phone,etc weekly to know she is alive and well. Any other contact should be voluntary. If you can let go, she will come back, on her own----at least that is what I have seen.

Yes, my D still needs to mature and grow up and be more gracious and thoughtful, calling family and g’rents, but I am working from the positive reinforcement arena and I do know that when she calls, it is because she wants to!

As to cell phones, those bills can be crazy if you are not obsessive about it and kids must learn not to be stupid. It is stupid to pay more than you must to a phone company, even if you can afford, you surely ahve better things on which to spend your dispposable income! If my D goes over, I charge her, even if it takes a while to pay it back. Perhaps your D needs to come home and work to pay for the cell bill? My Ds will have cell phones at school rather than installing land lines and the bill is our family plan, but they have to pay for their phone proportionately and they take it seriously, because I don’t really care if they have phones, I’ll be happy to shut off the line if they are not mature enough to handle the responsibility

Mommy_Dearest · May 17, 2005, 3:40pm

To all:
Yes, I’m feeling a little better today.

This incident really saddened me. Though I was sad about the bill, I think I was even sadder by the subsequent email. But as others have said, no one (on this board) knows the full story.

I posted mostly because I was sad, and it was theraputic for me, but also because I wanted a cross section of opinions.

I discussed this at length with people who know us, who know the full story. The consensus was that we were right to take away the cell phone, or at least the cell phone plan. But in general, people felt we need to give her a cell phone, because she is isolated without it. I hope that a prepaid SIM card works for us.

The issue about the summer is more complicated, and again, there is a long story behind this. As I said before, this trip has been very beneficial for her, and our family wants her to take advantage of it for as long as she can before she has to come home and start college.

I can’t change the past. I can’t make that cell phone bill go away. I can’t make that hurtful email go away. I can just give her a budget that is fair for her and for us, that she will need to adhere to for the remainder of her stay. And, with the help of her psychologist, that is what I’m doing.

Thanks again for your opinions. All of you are right. So you ask … how can he be right AND she be right … and my answer is … that’s right, too.

Cell phone abuse

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