I know you are trying to help. But somehow you have misinterpreted everything. Your entire focus seems to be the money. Money is not our only focus. I have said from the beginning that we could afford more than $40K and that we are looking for the right fit.
Again, I know you are trying to be helpful. But—you said as one of the first replies that we need to throw out our list and start over. No, we don’t. You have said many times that we can’t afford Miami. Yes, we can. You seem to be against Baylor for some reason, and have suggested she give up her multiple scholarships to attend worse schools. You aren’t actually listening to what I’m saying.
You are pushing schools that my daughter doesn’t want to attend. Yes, UNL will be similar to high school, since 90%+ of kids from her high school go there. I don’t care how inexpensive it is; my daughter doesn’t want to go there. She is not interested in UAH. A school like K State should be offering her in state tuition. Failing to offer a kid from a neighboring state with a 32 ACT something like that is the reason why they aren’t moving up in the rankings.
Yes, it is worth it to us. She isn’t pursuing some kind of worthless degree and she is our only kid going to college.
OP- it’s not a character defect, and scholars are getting Nobel Prizes for work in behavioral economics to explain why some people buy the first dress they see- and are delighted with it- and others need to examine 30, try on 12, and still have doubts about the one they end up purchasing.
One of my kids is a “sufficer”. Store sells 30 flavors of ice cream, doesn’t matter, as long as they have mint chip it’s all good. Another kid is a “maximizer”. Really can’t be happy until every single choice has been studied and examined and rejected until coming around the eventual winner.
This isn’t good or bad- it is what it is.
You are expressing very clear maximizer tendencies- wanting to make sure you aren’t leaving something fantastic on the table, and I think that’s perfectly legitimate. And you can stop apologizing. It is your only kid, you want to make sure that the eventual college decision is made with as many facts in evidence as you can muster. That’s terrific.
Moving forward, I think you might benefit from sitting your kid down to ask if the applications that are out there (or almost completed) represent a sufficient “universe” of possibilities. If the answer is yes- you can go back to your regular life even though you may have some inklings that not every possible option has been researched. If the answer is no- then pick 3 more colleges? 2? which represent something different- either further geographically, or a quirkier student body, or something else-- give those applications a “best effort” and then draw a line in the sand and declare “you are done”.
The people who drive themselves crazy are the ones who in mid-January are still looking for “who has Feb 1 deadlines” or the ones who in mid-February are torturing themselves by realizing that with two adults driving and taking turns, 26 hours each way really isn’t too far for Parents weekend and why didn’t you explore U Hawaii even though it’s not driveable… etc.
I’m a maximizer myself, and I’ve learned to shut things down before they get out of hand. So circle a date on the calendar, and declare that “We are done worrying about college until March” and enjoy the holidays!
I’m quite late to this thread. But I wanted to share some info on marching bands. Be sure she looks at how they decide who plays in the halftime shows, pre-game, etc if that’s important to her. It seems there is a large variation between schools.
My son’s at Alabama and in the band. He found out he was accepted into the band on May 1, so that was great! He has been in every pre-game and every half-time show for 3 years and is traveling to his 3rd bowl game this month. He has friends at U of Michigan who are in the band. They found out mid-July. They are in many pre-game shows, but only some half-time shows. The one friend who is in his 3rd season of the band didn’t make the cut to go to the bowl game this year, which is super disappointing, since they’d see each other!
There are other schools with no auditions at all and every one marches. If it’s important to be on the field often, just check into that part.
Finally, I have one kid who would have been happy most places. He’s the Alabama kid. He loves it. Yay! But my daughter was much pickier all around. She’s at UAH and loves it. She likes the size, the dorms, the food, and the people so much. She would have struggled at Alabama I think, but is thriving at UAH. So, I understand how important fit can be.
This is so interesting! I have not heard of “sufficers” and “maximizers”, but suddenly my whole life and marriage make sense. My husband and daughter are sufficers and I am definitely a maximizer. I’m going to do some more reading about this.
Thanks so much for this info! What instrument does your son play?
It’s going to be a challenge for sure, because she is on drum-line. I watch lots of videos from the schools she is considering, and I almost never see a female snare player. University of Miami offers a stipend to their band members, and from what I can tell, everyone is allowed in the band but might not get their first choice of placement.
When we go on our visits, we will try to find out a lot more about band, housing, and her potential major.
Watch us at a restaurant, picking theater tickets for a family outing, planning a vacation…
You’ve got someone reading Yelp reviews while standing on line (and having already paid no less) and the others asking "what are we seeing again? Is it any good?
Imagine being a fly on the wall when we were buying a house…
But a little self-knowledge goes a long way. And it’s GREATLY reduced our conflicts. Some people are ALWAYS going to pick mint chocolate chip, and nagging them into trying lavender mango suffused with thyme won’t end well!
Accepted to Colorado School of Mines with a merit scholarship!
Four down, two to go!
Feeling thankful!
Also one of our members talked it through with me, and I realized I was being influenced by the glossy brochures from Duke and Harvard and other big name schools that have been showing up this week. Silly me.
I read the following book when it came out and it was really helpful for me in this regard. Since reading it 20 years ago, I don’t obsess over purchases anymore. I determine my most important criteria, look to others’ opinions for help (consumer reports, yelp, whatever), mull it over a bit, and pick something that is “good enough”, all within a reasonable time frame. Then I stop shopping and proceed to use / enjoy the thing I bought. You might also enjoy the book:
The Paradox of Choice – Why More is Less. By Barry Schwartz
We toured the University of Arizona. We loved the palm trees, mountains, and historic buildings. The entrance into campus is truly stunning—absolutely beautiful.
However, there were several major negatives
or things that are less than ideal for us.
My daughter said “I like it, but I don’t love it. I could go here, but it’s not my first choice.” Her Dad and I agree 100%. None of us got that feeling of “this is the place” that we are looking for. It’s so pretty in places and the weather right now is so lovely that we wanted to love it more than we did.
Ignorance and snobbery are a terrible combination.
These people really think there’s a meaningful difference in political climate between CU and UMich? I seriously doubt this. (Also, are they offering to cover the difference between your budget and the breathtaking OOS cost of UMich? Never mind the fact that CU has a specific program that your daughter loves.)
TBH, these people are just making themselves sound foolish, causing one to suspect that following the exact opposite of their advice might be your best bet, lol.
We made it a policy…and told our kids too…that no discussions about college should take place. If someone asked or tried to push, they were to say “I’m looking forward to letting you know my college choice in May”. Repeat repeat repeat, and if they persist, excuse yourself to go to the bathroom.
We also suggested they not discuss college applications with their classmates and friends.
I’m so sorry your daughter had to deal with this. This is her college search, not theirs. As they say…mind your own business…applies here.
We’ve bought and sold 7 houses. Every time we do, I obsess over the other houses we didn’t buy.
