Thanks, that really helps bring things into focus.
Where a lot of students are looking for “project-based learning,” you sound like a lot of in-class group work could be a negative, and you’d prefer a more traditional lectures-and-tutorials type environment. That’s good to know. Also helpful to know more about what kind of campus-and-environs vibe appeals to you.
Also, I’d interpreted your original post more as, “My mom needs to retire pretty soon, so she needs to conserve resources” rather than “She’s retiring imminently in the coming year.” It will be more straightforward to appeal if her income has actually dropped by the time you appeal. If you get into a full-need-met school, but are facing one unaffordable year (because financial aid is based on the prior year’s income), then your bargaining position with a full-need-met school will be that if your aid isn’t adjusted, you’ll need to take a gap year (deferring matriculation but keeping your spot, which practically all private colleges allow) until it comes down on its own. You wouldn’t be looking at multiple years of having to appeal what the formula says.
Do you have any interest in studying abroad? I don’t know whether this would work for you, but just in case it would… one option here would be to plan a gap year with an organization like AFS that lets students attend a 5th year of high school in their target country. This would solve the only-two-years-of-foreign-language problem and allow you to take physics and/or chemistry, and the equivalent of Calc BC… and it would give your financial aid numbers time to catch up with your mom’s reality. However, I don’t know how you’d feel about the accompanying challenges, such as staying with a host family.
I’d suggest creating a spreadsheet, and running Net Price Calculator numbers both with the current numbers, and with the projected numbers for after your mom retires. Some colleges may stand out as particularly good or bad, financial aid wise, which will help you to refine your list.
In terms of top-tier universities that meet need, have you considered Carnegie Mellon and Johns Hopkins? Also U of Rochester (which meets need, unlike RIT, and is also amazing for music) and Case Western. These are all in cities, all meet need, all have good music opportunities for non-majors (although not marching band, just pep bands), and all have a relatively studious/nerdy vibe.
You could check out the West Virginia publics, which are relatively affordable and generous with scholarships for OOS students. Both WVU and Marshall have autism support programs and great marching bands.
In-state wise, I’m guessing that the whole military vibe at the Citadel isn’t your thing, but if that isn’t a non-starter, they do have marching band and math/cs (with strength in cyber-security if that’s an interest), and the whole military-discipline thing might give you the less-chaotic classroom experience you seek. There’s no service obligation unless you choose that path, which only 1/3 of students do. I fully understand if it’s not a fit, just running it up the proverbial flagpole.
A lot of the best marching band schools are also, by virtue of the accompanying football culture, a little “rah-rah” in the same way that gives you pause about Clemson. (So we’re looking for a bit of a unicorn here - a more “nerdy” school that still has a great marching band.) So, the trade-offs in that respect may be worth thinking about. U of Miami has always had a great marching band, and their new-ish band director is phenomenal (he taught at my kids’ high school before getting his doctorate), and they meet need. (The band even pays you a stipend to participate! https://bandofthehour.miami.edu/ ) They have a computational mathematics track in their math department. It’s definitely not in a middle-of-nowhere college town, and while the overall school culture might be a little rah-rah/party-ish, I would think you could find your people, between the bands and the math department. This could be a good EA application.
Rice’s Marching Owl Band is very non-traditional and subversive. Those who love it, really love it, but if precision marching technique is your thing, this isn’t that. If you would enjoy more edgy humor to your band experience, I could see you liking a lot of things about Rice generally. Vanderbilt’s Spirit of Gold marching band is much more mainstream and might appeal. Vanderbilt Spirit of Gold Marching Band | Vanderbilt Marching & Athletic Bands | Vanderbilt University But Vandy’s overall vibe is more fraternity/sorority-heavy whereas Rice has a completely-inclusive Residential College system.
This is getting long, but one more thing… while it does make sense not to talk about the situation with your dad in your own writing, it could be a good idea for your counselor to mention this in their recommendation. It sounds as if you had to overcome a difficult situation at some point, and having your school counselor acknowledge those challenges and attest to your resilience can strengthen your application without your having to dwell on it yourself.