I’m another one who was had an experience where I should have known to speak up. I was 19 or 20 and in college. An ophthalmologist was doing an eye exam. MD’s hand rested all too heavily on my leg and moved up and up as he leaned forward to look into my eye. As others have noted, I, too, was in disbelief mode - but I was uncomfortable which should have been enough cue for action. I was definitely afraid of being seen as rude - but that shouldn’t have stopped me from saying something like “You are putting too much pressure on my thigh.” Not accusatory if he was innocent, but would have stopped the actions no matter what the intent. I’ve kept careful track in the 40 years since the incident - I’ve never had an exam with another doctor that required that degree of proximity.
I find it so sad to this day, that, even as a young adult, I felt I couldn’t raise my voice or say anything. My mother was sitting outside the exam room, but that was no help. She wouldn’t have believed anything inappropriate could happen in an MD’s office and I knew she would not believe my concerns were real. I sincerely hope that things have changed in the way mothers raise and protect their daughters these days.
@Momofadult, my heart is pounding. Your experience is exactly what happened to me. Exactly. Except that I was early high school age. I told my mom after, and she said, “Oh, he was probably just resting his hand.” Of course the adult me knows that no ophthalmologist needs to rest his hand on the inner thigh of a teenage girl. My second incident, as a young adult, occurred in the office of a dermatologist. I think that’s the reason for the disbelief and denial I mentioned earlier - ‘these men are professionals in respected positions, so I must be misunderstanding what’s happening here, right?’ Only later did the full impact strike.
When I’ve seen unaccompanied minors on planes, they are generally given seats in the bulkhead where the flight attendants and everyone else can keep an eye on them. If I don’t have anything else to do and am seated near them, I will fold origami items for the younger kids and let them keep them.
This is the reason why they don’t go after older women. We are only shocked into silent disbelief the first time it happens, maybe the second time. If someone tried to flash me on the subway, grab my chest, lean on my thigh, etc., I would NOT be shy about raising a fuss now. Children and young women until their mid-20’s don’t have enough experience to react that way easily.
Well, yes, sex crimes against young solo women and girls (and boys too, surely) occur more often than they should (edit: even one time is too many), but I wouldn’t want young people to 1. live in fear of strangers or 2. live in fear of traveling solo. Most people in the world are good. This child molester situation is awful and I’m so glad he got caught. My daughter has been flying by herself across the country round trip once a year since she was 11, and the only time that anything was at all amiss was once when the woman next to her kept falling asleep on her. Another time the man sitting next to her rolled his eyes and harumphed when she started crying while watching some Pixar movie. Generally speaking, I think that experiencing being an unaccompanied minor on flights has made her self-confident, feeling like she’s able to travel, be independent, and certainly, hands down, has added to her ability to navigate the physical and social world around her adeptly. Living in fear would have done the opposite.
@Momofadult@oneofthosemoms I hope you compare notes to determine if you both went to the same opthalmologist. He could havebeen doing the same thing to hundreds of female patients over many years.
In the story I saw (Washington Post), the guy started out “accidentally” touching her arm, then making fun of her for moving away from him. Followed by a gradual escalation of things that could have been explained away as harmless (and her complaint as ridiculous overreaction) had she complained. IMHO absolutely not the first time he’s done this kind of thing; I’m surprised he was actually caught in the act.
“Freeze” is every bit as instinctual a reaction as fight or flight. It’s not something you choose, and not something you can unchoose.
IMHO when he declined to move, the flight attendant should have moved the kid without giving her a choice. No grown man lacking ill intent puts himself in a situation where he’s essentially alone (evening flight with cabin lights off, him in the middle blocking view with his body) with a teenage girl.
Witness reported observing him drinking 4 cocktails within an hour at the airport bar . I’m not excusing his behavior, saying alcohol may have been a contributing factor.
@oldfort if you read my post, I said that I’m not blaming it on alcohol. If someone already has impulse control problems, alcohol does not help them control their impulses. That was my point in referencing the alcohol.
Fear of appearing rude to a passerby on the street, despite my instinct telling me something was wrong, resulted in this passerby putting a gun to my head and robbing me.
I read Gavin De Becker’s “The Gift of Fear” and it was excellent. I will definitely read “Protecting the Gift” as well.
I’m another one who was touched inappropriately when I was 14. On the crowded elevator in Bonwit Teller, of all places. And No, I didn’t say anything. Of course I should have yelled, Get your slimy hands off of me!, but I was 14.
And as an adult, I did have a rheumatologist (male) tell me that he needed to do a rectal exam (Wha . . . ?), which I declined. The guy was super creepy.
In my hometown growing up, the perv was our local dentist. He would manage to brush up against the breasts of female patients while we were in the dentist chair. I was a young teen and never said anything. It could have easily been denied by him, and you almost weren’t sure it was rally happening. A few years later a I heard some of the older women talking about it. Now that many of us have reconnected on Facebook, it turns out a lot of girls had this same experience. No one said anything.
I was groped on the subway when I was 23. An older woman saw it and swore at the pervert. I just felt ashamed that I hadn’t had the courage to speak up.
I suspect more women than not have experienced men behaving badly. I’ve got a couple of examples. One was when I was 16 and alone in a railway cabin who exposed himself to me. I picked up my bags and left for a compartment with more people in it, but I didn’t tell the conductor. Thinking back now I can’t imagine why not.