Childcare costs

Parent Cafe
21

S paid a lot for childcare, and GD was only in three days a week. She was on the waitlist until she was almost two (we grandparents did the childcare full time until that point) … the childcare was well worth waiting for. I was a SAHM, and I was pretty picky about other people watching my kids. I’m even pickier about other people watching my GD! But she benefited from her experience, and it was a great place for her to learn independence, curiosity , how to be a friend, how to be kind, etc.

This past summer, because GD “graduated” pre-k, she needed to go to day camp. Again, D got her into really great camps. And yes, they were expensive.

D & SIL will only have the one child. Although the cost of childcare is a lot, it’s not the reason they aren’t having another. They just really enjoy having one child, and they have not felt a desire to have another.

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22

GosD just got a “raise” when her youngest turned one and moved from infant room to one year old room at daycare. Thought my H was gonna have a stroke when he heard the costs: $4100/month down to $3500/mo. with the move! This is in San Francisco. And D was on waitlist for this spot when she was 3 months pregnant!. Oh yeah, and she has a soon to be 3 year old in pre-school–which is a relative bargain at $2400/mo. So for 6 months, their childcare costs were more than their insanely high rent.
We help with kid coverage when pre-school is closed (every holiday known to man) and when either grand is ill and can’t attend. But we have a life too, so I did not commit to any regularly scheduled days. And believe me, a week with them convinced this old lady that most childcare workers deserve much more than they are being paid. (and convinced me to nap when the grands napped!)

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23

My mom used to watch my kids when they were little and pick them up from school. I watched my granddaughter three days a week, and now that she has started preschool, which ends at noon, I pick her up every day, feed her lunch, put her down for a nap, and take care of her until her parents pick her up around 5 p.m.

My son pays $2,000 a month for preschool, which is only three hours a day, four days a week. The preschool only provides snacks, which the parents take turns bringing for the entire group each day.

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24

My first child was born when I was 35 and my then wife was 29. My wife worked full time and was in college part time, finishing her degree. Compared to the other examples in this thread, I’d say we were lower-middle class but comfortable. I did not want my child(ren) to go to daycare full time, mostly because I wanted them raised by a parent, but secondarily because of the expense. It would have been $1200/month in 2002, but was as high as $2000/month at other daycares.

The years prior to our first child, I had been a marketing analyst at a software start-up, but I was on a work sabbatical when our first was born. I became the primary caregiver. For a short time between 18mths-3yrs, my son went to an in-home daycare for 8-15 hrs a week while I worked a job that gave me flexible hours

From then on, I based my employment on making sure I was free to be the primary caregiver for our children. Though my wife did take 2.5yrs off to have our second and third children. She returned to work when our youngest was 5 months. Though cost was the secondary reason I continued to watch our children, it’s also true there was no way we could have afforded to pay daycare for two children at that time. If I had been unavailable to provide care, we would have gone with the 5yr plan, to ensure no more than 1 child at a time was in daycare.

My son is not married and doesn’t have a steady gf, but he’s already thinking about daycare expense. My younger daughters are already saying they don’t plan to have children, mostly because of the expense. A friend just moved from NC to Tampa/St Pete to be the care provider for his daughter’s child. Her husband had been watching the 2yr old, but is going back to full time work. As Data10 said, families find/create options other than paying expensive daycare fees. Three of my friends quit their jobs and opened licensed in-home daycares because they could not afford to pay daycare for their own children – opening an in-home daycare allowed them to avoid daycare expense for their own children while also providing an income.

When my children were preschool age, a couple of friends asked if I (and my wife when she took 2.5yrs off) would provide daycare for their newborns. We declined, but I mention it because, as Data10 mentioned, people do ask other families to be an informal daycare provider. I did watch one friend’s son, then another child after school and during the summer for a few years - at no charge and feeding the child(ren) at my own expense.

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25

I heard that in New York, the number of kids you have is a status symbol - some rich people have 3 to 5 kids. Not only can you spend the money etc, but you can also spend the time ..

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26

I don’t know about spending time, but yes, having three or more kids seems to have become a status symbol of sorts among some affluent families.

In fact, there’s a recent analysis of Federal Reserve data on just this topic:

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27

Having one kid wasn’t even a consideration for us, regardless of income. We just thought the one kid would be lonely, and felt it was obvious that kids need company of other siblings.

28

Some of us didn’t have a choice in our family size. Our first child died and after our second I was advised to not try again because of health issues and complications. Many people I know with only children weren’t planning on it either.

Working for a not for profit it wouldn’t have made sense to work full time and have a nanny or daycare and frankly I was so grateful to have a living child that I don’t think I could have left her. Heck, I had a hard time leaving with the grandparents.

In my neck of the woods, nanny sharing is popular - where two or three families go in together on a nanny. We are also lucky that some of the big employers have onsite child care and we know many people who chose to stay at those companies explicitly for that.

The last group not spending crazy kinds of money are those that are still remote and have a lot of flexibility on hours.

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29

Well, I have an only child and he loves being one. We weren’t planning on having any children and were told we couldn’t, but somehow I found myself almost four months pregnant at 39. I had DH spayed shortly after as insurance against a repeat. One was plenty for us. I always shake my head at those with multiples. I mean, if you’ve gone through that once, what in the world would possess you to do it again? Nothing on earth could induce me to repeat that process.*

See? People are different.

*Does not apply to providing childcare for my yet-to-be only grandchild if DS/DIL want it. My suspicion, though, is that DIL will cease outside work when/if a child arrives as they don’t need her income.

Agreed. Which is why I stayed home for several years with our pre-school son and would volunteer to provide the same to a grandchild.

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30

I’ve written before how not working was non-negotiable for me. If we tried to live on H’s salary and health insurance… just paying taxes, insurance premiums and our $800 mortgage would have left us with $500 for the month. My job was better, but not enough to cover the bills without his. We were young. We had no savings

I’ve also said our city had no licensed day cares for kids < 2. We had plenty of under the table people who watched kids in their home. Nobody registers with the city, because then you have to upgrade your home to a commercial building. At least mine paid taxes to uncle sam, so I could claim the FSA dependent care.

I’m sure CCs would be appalled at our sitter. She was paid hourly, so kids could just come and go on whatever days, but there were up to 4 babies/toddlers in the morning, after lunch the pre-schoolers came - maybe 4-8? After lunch is when the babies went down for their naps, and it wasn’t long after mine got up that H was picking them up after school.

There was no academic learning, no language immersion, no music lessons, etc. But, she loved them and had been doing it forever. I trusted her completely and she is almost still like part of the family. I had zero experience raising kids - was my kid’s behavior normal? After watching hundreds, she knew and was so reassuring. Of course she did remark about older S “He really doesn’t eat anything, does he?” yup… But while she didn’t do any schooling, that’s what I could do at home. That’s what came naturally to me. That’s how I always talked to my kids from the moment they were born - I showed them the world. Now socialization? Manners? Getting along with others? That’s what I needed help with, and that’s what they got in spades. Both of my kids are very well adjusted socially - 1000x more than me, and moreso than H. I have often wondered if I had gone to daycare, if I wouldn’t have been better off in that arena.

2 vs 3 kids? The issue for us wasn’t as much $$$ as it was maternity leave/sick time. I’ve spoken of my 8 day maternity leave with older S and then had to balance every single minute of sick time/vacation time trying to save up for the 6 weeks for #2. Leave without pay wasn’t an option, nor was any flex time at work/ Work from home - Ha! I wish. I didn’t have any vacation for years. The thought of going through it a third time would make me break down in tears. Those years were just so difficult.

My kids got their language immersion later playing soccer, especially younger S. So many of their teammates and coaches were spanish speaking. Younger S was fluent by the time he graduated. He spoke spanish almost exclusively at soccer.

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31

I’m the opposite, I already raised 5 and my kids know that while I will want to watch my grandkids, I won’t do it as full time childcare. My mom said the same to me. I had my kids between 29 - 34, and it was a lot, I’m pushing 60 and not doing it all over again. And I really like kids!

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32

There is absolutely nothing wrong with being an only child. Plenty of opportunities to interact with other kids who are not siblings. I was raised as an only child, and I don’t ever remember thinking I wished I had siblings living with me.

I do have three half sisters, but we really only connected when I was a college senior.

I was in day care long before that was a thing because there was no choice. But there was a day care/nursery school affiliated with my mother’s work.

We will take the lead from our DD if she has children. If they want our help…we will help…but not full time.

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33

I am one of five. I don’t believe that a child must have siblings to be … happy, well adjusted, less lonely. My good friend has a brother, and she never sees or talks to him. My H has a sister, but she is 7 years older and about 180 degrees different than H. It was great having my brothers when my parents had health issues, but I know people who would prefer not to have siblings because of disagreements about how to handle things. If you want more than one, great. If you choose (or end up with) one, though, your kid will be fine.

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34

For the folks who don’t have grandchildren yet-- put the “childcare for the grands” issue on the back-burner is my advice.

Life throws curveballs. The parents who are so competent and self-sufficient may need help with a special needs child- or two. The parents who are so competent and self-sufficient AND affluent may end up with only one income for a while- not by choice. The Grandparents who claim “I’ll pitch in but I won’t do full time” may discover that of all the sub-optimal choices their kids have- they are the best of the “not so great” choices and decide to do whatever it takes- not just for the grands-- but so that their kids marriages don’t face the kind of strain many of us remember.

A friend of mine who swore she has her own life and her own interests and now that she’s semi-retired “I can’t be tied down” is in charge of putting a grandchild on the bus every morning and meeting it every afternoon. Another friend whose attitude was “been there, done that, nobody helped US out when we were stressed to the max balancing work and kids” is now the backbone of the household because their adult kid’s “very flexible” company got bought out and now that same kid is locked into a 1980’s style “facetime” job.

Stuff changes. You can’t predict and it does no good to be dogmatic about what you will and will not do. I say keep your lips zipped for now!

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35

I think it would be great if we could keep this topic on child care and how it may affect family size, not family size choice for other reasons. There are many circumstances and choices and they are on the table for each family to design their own path.

America is not exactly the shining star in the world on supporting families. High child care costs. Poor maternity/paternity leave options or benefits. Varied standards across the country - some not good - for child care facilities - from home based to center based.

IMO, remote working is not a good alternative. Remember, remote workers generally still need to WORK and WORK their hour quota! It would seem there would be little “quality of life” for a family that tries to parent for hours and day and then work for hours a day and then run a home (cleaning, groceries, home maintenance) for hours a day. There may be slight advantages for WFH on occasions but as a daily routine, someone, parent or child - will get the short stick.

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36

I let my staff worked from home 2-3 days a week, but I always made a point of asking what they were doing about childcare. I told them that working from home didn’t mean they could multi task of taking care of their kids. If they had a sick child at home I told them to take a PTO. I was on Teams with my staff that I knew if they were taking care of their kids.
As far as being the primary caretaker of my grandkids, that’s not happening. I love them and enjoy my time with them, but my kids know I wouldnt and couldn’t do it.

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37

@oldfort agreed. On one of my “pinch hit” days recently ( D was actually working from home, SIL was out of town) I had the GKs as there was no way D could get any work done with a talkative 4 year old and a one year old.

WFH means still getting work done. That’s possible with older kids, but not with littles.

I would have loved WFH to save myself from 2 hour a day commuting, but would have still needed FT child care.

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38

Both my son/spouses are having fertility issues and now that one couple has happily brought a baby into the world, DIL informed me that there can’t be another one for them. She returns from parental leave in January, and I’ve carefully not broached the subject of childcare. I think she/S2 are hoping that since he works from home, and she works mostly from home (in clinic twice a week, other hours she can be flexible with) that they will be able to cobble together staying home with baby instead of childcare. I’d love for that to be the case but it doesn’t seem super realistic. (We live 4.5 hours away, so we’re no help in this situation).

For many years when I was a SAHM, I was informal after school care for a couple friends, and also the dreaded “early dismissal” location for them. I always considered that my role in keeping women in the workforce, and now I can’t imagine how young couple manage. My niece actually did the math and quit her job after they discovered her working was a net gain of maybe $100.

I myself was famously fired when 8 months pregnant (my boss said it was “easier than finding a substitute” and yes, it was perfectly legal) so we had to find out the hard way whether we could make that work. And back then, we could. I don’t think we’d be able to do that now.

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39

I had my first child at 21 and my second at 31, and the experiences were completely different. Pregnancy was much harder on my body at 31. I also experienced multiple miscarriages, among other challenges.

I shared my experiences with my DD and suggested that it might be a good idea to have her first child before turning 30. She is engaged now, so I hope everything works out according to her timeline and that she is blessed with as many children as she wants.

I also taught her that a woman should always keep her professional career going because taking a break can set her back significantly, sometimes to the point where it is difficult to recover professionally. She should never become completely financially dependent on her husband. So, even in a situation where only $100 is left over after paying for childcare, I think it might still be beneficial to continue working.

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40

But that “net gain” is only for a few year’s out of a woman’s working life.

Now that I’m past retirement age (and still happily working) I see former colleagues who struggled SO much trying to reenter the workforce after child care costs were in the rear view mirror. It’s not trivial. In many cases, they weren’t vested in their company’s retirement plan; they lost so many years of wage growth, and then started all over again professionally. So it’s a lifetime “hit” to stop working- and can greatly impact retirement.

I’m sure I was barely breaking even for a few years back then… but it only took the two years when H and I were down to one salary while we had two kids in college to realize how much of a cushion that second income provided down the road…despite the pain of paying for childcare early on.

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