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<p>One word. Credit Cards.</p>
<p>I still don’t understand why terwitt had to compare her life at that age to her daughter’s life. If it is not jealously, then I don’t know what it is.</p>
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<p>Actually I’ve also given this some thought, and I don’t think I am. We knew that our lot in life was temporary. Don’t begrudge me this, but there was something romantic about knowing that we were in this together. We lived in graduate student housing and almost all of our friends were in the same position we were. It was our norm and we were OK with it (we really didn’t know otherwise). You know what they say about a new car with all the bells and whistles… there’s more that can go wrong with it. Our life was very simple and for the most part worry-free, probably because we knew it was temporary and there was less that could go wrong (you can’t be laid off from being a graduate student - at least not in the area of study H was in!). Being frugal was almost a career for me, but I accepted it. Our entertainment consisted mostly of spending time together, going out for long walks no matter what time of the year. We were lucky to live somewhere that offered such accessibility to nature, etc. I think about the new parents that live around us now (own their homes) and used to wonder why I didn’t see them out walking their babies/toddlers/preschoolers more often. It’s because they have responsibilities to a house, etc. </p>
<p>I’m not saying either way is right or wrong. People make choices based on their values and priorities and I’m glad we made the choices we did despite the fact we had to make some sacrifices.</p>
<p>When I speak of discretionary income, I’m referring to savings. We were fine without all the material things, but in hindsight, if we’d had some sort of crisis, we would have been in trouble. </p>
<p>Why on earth would I be jealous of a worry that she has that I wish she didn’t have? I’m so proud of her, yet sometimes I think perhaps I didn’t prepare her enough for the real world. But as soon as that thought enters my mind, I look at what she’s accomplished and know that we have done a great job as parents. </p>
<p>I want her to enjoy this time in her life when things are probably less complicated than they ever will be in the future.</p>
<p>So was was the point in making this comment?</p>
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<p>You said you were happy with your life, but you say you would have given anything to have your daughter’s discretionary income. It just doesn’t make any sense to me.</p>
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<p>I am saying you are jealous of her discretionary income, not about her worry.</p>
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<p>Well, it’s not quite the same, but two examples of equivalent of ‘things’ in our days were VCRs and answering machines (when they first came out, they were expensive). I swear we were the last people on earth to have either one!</p>
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<p>Discretionary income is not savings. Savings is savings. Discretionary income is your net buying power after taxes and neccessities.</p>
<p>red963 - I think I also said I’m looking at it from the perspective of an adult parent now. I am more than aware of the vulnerability now, that we experienced back then, and as a middle-age mom now, I can say had I known we were that vulnerable back then, yes, I would have preferred we had money to put into a savings account, but we didn’t. But we were young and in love and vulnerability was not something we ever really thought about.</p>
<p>red963 - to us, discretionary was anything that might be left at the end of the month, which was always nothing. We had nothing left to save, or spend on things. You can take your discretionary income and put it in savings, if you have anything left after taxes and necessities, or you can spend it on non-necessities.</p>
<p>I understand what you are saying, but what was the point of saying how hard you had it and how good kids have it today?</p>
<p>Teriwtt, I think maybe you are mistakenly generalizing your own observations to others’ situations, without taking into account how much your own lifestyle plays a role (and recognizing that your lifestyle — and your daughter’s --is not universal). For example, you wrote:
I lived in the same house, same neighborhood, that I lived in when my now-graduated daughter was an infant. I see families with young kids out and about all the time-- I definitely know all the little kids because I meet up with them when walk my little dog. I don’t think there’s more, or less, parents who are out walking than 20 years ago – but I’ve got the sense that there are a lot more renters in my neighborhood, fewer homebuyers, and it seems like the socioeconomics are trending toward less well-off families, with more kids. It’s always been a working class neighborhood, but I think that homebuyers have been priced out of the market – and the neighborhood is too shabby to attract the people who can actually afford to buy homes. (I wouldn’t be able to afford to buy my own home for current market value.)</p>
<p>In the same vein, there have been comments above from various posters about the lifestyle their kids were accustomed to. Well… my kids grew up in a home where money was always tight so I don’t see how they would even expect anything different. At the same time… we had the basics. My son and his wife have a nice home – nicer than mine – but they are renting, and its in a shared unit (duplex) whereas I have a smaller, single family home that I own. But I lived in a much smaller rental unit when my son was born, so I have no reason to compare my experience to his either favorably or unfavorably. I mean… basically their lifestyle is the same as mine was. And they got lucky with their current rental – the last place they lived was far more modest. </p>
<p>So it sounds like you have transitioned a little farther up the economic ladder from “starving student” than I did. I’m sure there are others who share your experience – but I don’t think it’s universal. It might just be what happens when one generation is able to give their children a relatively more privileged upbringing then they themselves had. But if anything, my kids have had less than I had, so I see it all from a very different perspective.</p>
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<p>I never said it was universal. Honestly, I just thought it was another unfounded worry that just D1 has, until we were at a graduation party a couple of weeks ago, and the issue came up. We have a close group of friends (know each other’s kids very well) and it became apparent to me that my daughter is not the only one starting off life in the real world more financially comfortable than we were. Among our friends, we’re all kind of in the same boat where many of us have our oldest being launched into the world, and whenever we get together, there’s always a round of ‘how’s ______ doing?" and each parent gives a brief update on what’s new in their newly graduated kid’s life. These kids have a wide range of careers, from performing arts to financial trading to teaching, and are from east coast to west. These are the kinds of relationships where the adult kids call other parents by their first names, or even mom or dad. So it’s not like we’re having these conversations because we’re nosy or want to compare kids’ accomplishments… it’s because we think of some of these kids as our own and care about them. So that’s why, when the conversation turned toward this issue, my ears perked up… it was something I’d observed in my own daughter. None of these other parents expressed any jealousy - just a desire for their kids to kick back and enjoy the fruits of their labor. </p>
<p>I’d say the majority of these kids’ are leading lifestyles a bit lower on the totem pole (than when they lived at home and mom and dad paid for nice travel, put decent and healthy food on the table, and covered entertainment expenses that the entire family participated in), but it’s still better than when we all started out. Just the reality that they have money leftover at the end of each month to put into savings is an experience that none of us had. We were married six years before we were able to purchase our starter home, and some of these kids who have been out of school for maybe two-three years, are already researching homeowner options. Granted, none of them are married (a couple of them are getting closed to being engaged) and all of them have roommates to share expenses, but I think that’s what the majority of people from my generation did upon graduation, too.</p>
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<p>I still don’t understand why you are comparing yourself to kids today. Didn’t you say you had your children when your husband was still in school? Don’t you think that is why you had less money? If your daughter has a child soon, I’m sure she would be in the same situation as yourself at your age.</p>
<p>I think people are being unnecessarily harsh with Teri… </p>
<p>She’s made an observation and she’s musing about it. She’s not jealous. I don’t see any harm in her “talking out her thoughts” on this thread.</p>
<p>Teri, your feelings are normal.</p>
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<p>Harsh? Where was anybody being harsh?</p>
<p>She can talk out her thoughts, but I can’t?</p>
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<p>I still don’t get it, I’m sorry. If those kids have jobs like teaching or performing arts – they can’t be earning all that much money right out of college. </p>
<p>How could my daughter “kick back” when she’s got $18K worth of student loans to pay back? And she wants to live in NYC (where her job is)? How could my son “kick back” when he is responsible for supporting his wife and newborn baby?</p>
<p>It sounds like your d. and your friends kids all happen to have good jobs coming out of college, and you old folks want to see them relax… but maybe some of them do have loans to pay back, and among those that don’t – maybe some want to lay a foundation for the future, so they are stressing about whatever future costs are important to them (their own place to live, law school, getting married, starting a family, etc.).</p>
<p>My kids aren’t complaining to me - and they are grateful for what they have, especially as both have jobs that come with great benefits – but I wouldn’t expect them to “kick back.” I hope that my daughter is frugal and places a high priority on paying down debt, and I hope my son is frugal and places a high priority to saving for his family’s future. </p>
<p>I mean… I’m 56 years old and I can’t “kick back”. Why would I expect my kids, in their 20’s, to do so? (And I actually think they are doing a lot more “kicking back” than me in any case – they certainly have both logged a lot more vacation & travel time in the past year than I have).</p>
<p>So again … I’m not trying to argue with you … I just don’t get what you are saying. Now it sounds like you and your adult friends are the ones longing for the unattainable – youngsters at the start of their careers who don’t have to worry about money.</p>
<p>I competly agree calmom. I don’t uderstand as well. I have very little debt and about
$10k in the bank. I got a job that pays about $1,500 a month. I estimate that I will have around $500 worth of disposable income a month. Can I kick back? No way. Can I have fun and go to the occasional concert and maybe a small trip or two. Sure, but banking $6k a year (after expenses) means I can’t kick back.</p>
<p>mom2collegekids - thank you for ‘getting’ what the purpose of the thread is. Yes, it’s about reminiscing about beginning my life as an adult post college. It’s also about reflecting on how we parented our children differently than our parents parented us. It’s about self-awareness as a parent… knowing enough and having your kids confide in you and wanting only the best for them, even if it’s different from what you had. </p>
<p>Calmom - you’re taking the term kick back a little too literally. As I said, D has some work weeks that are 60 hours (still not as many as H put in at grad school). I’m a sucker for life’s rites and passings and want her to soak in all that this time has to offer her. If she’s earning enough money to do some of the things that she’s doing, and can still set aside for a rainy day, then what else can you ask for? Life becomes more and more complicated as we get older in many ways, and you’re only young once. It doesn’t mean don’t work hard, but don’t also set yourself up for disappointment. I was a worrier, too, at her age, but about different things, and she does not worry about those things. </p>
<p>I think many women of our generation attended college with the goal of meeting our future spouses. I wanted to get married younger and start my family earlier because I had had older parents. It worked for us. D has already indicated that she doubts she will start a family before 30; she has not had a serious boyfriend, although she has dated. She just has different priorities than I do, and I respect her for that. She has obviously made getting established in her career as a priority, and has been successful (despite initial setbacks due to the economy) at this first stage. I consider it successful because it’s what she wants, not what I want. But life out of college is a learning curve; she needs to find a balance in her life… that’s what I mean by kicking back… taking time to smell the roses without guilt. If you don’t learn to achieve a balance at this age, what happens to you when you are faced with more cumbersome adult responsibilities?</p>
<p>One of her best friends from high school has student debts, and was short one month due to timing of her payroll at her new job. Her father was laid off and she didn’t want to ask them for money, so she came to us. We understood it was a rare occurrence, loaned her the money and got it back within a week and a half. So yes, some of these kids have student loans and are strapped. She has since gotten a new job with better pay and is managing her finances well. It’s a learning curve and it’s part of what growing up is about. But as parents, we always want our kids to be happy, to have the job that fulfills them that also provides enough income for their needs (and if they’re lucky, and then some) and to be able to pursue their passions. I hate to see what I perceive as unnecessary worry when I think she’s done a helluva job out of the batter’s box. She’s four months into her first permanent, full-time job… it would be wrong of me to tell her not to worry - she has to figure that out on her own, but it doesn’t mean I can’t wish she wouldn’t. </p>
<p>You don’t know me from Adam, but a couple of my adult friends that I’m referring to are regular posters on CC; you’d be surprised at how mature, supportive and reasonable they are… we are not a bunch of adults trying to live vicariously through our kids. And yes, I do believe it is possible for a young person, who is newly employed out of college and is living a responsible lifestyle to not worry about money any more than the average, reasonable person does.</p>
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<p>I’m really feeling sorry for those of you who don’t know how to kick back… I don’t care what your income is. It doesn’t mean you don’t take your career seriously and be responsible stewards of your money; it just means you find a balance that allows for you to enjoy life. I work with people at the end of their lives and never have I met one who wishes they’d spent more time at the office.</p>
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<p>I guess I meant kick back often. </p>
<p>When I think of kicking back, I think of a time where I don’t have to worry about anything (like going out of town for a weekend). I wish I could experience more places, but my budget doesn’t allow for me to do that right now.</p>
<p>I enjoy life where I don’t have to spend any or very little money. Watching my favorite show, hearing my favorite song, reading a good book, etc. is enough for me</p>