<p>Mine are opposite, but it’s still been an issue. Especially when older D knows that younger S is a great test-taker, finds courses much easier, etc.</p>
<p>1- Don’t compare your children to each other is really important in this situation (you can think it but no verbalizing, especially to them).</p>
<p>2 - They are each individuals so set goals and expectations individually.</p>
<p>3 - Grades are not everything. My less motivated D is such an all-around great kid, good head on her shoulders, uses good judgement, is worldly, outgoing and inquisitive. She will be FINE. I admit to putting undue stress on her at points during HS, but finally decided (as we discussed here) that I didn’t want to ruin our relationship and I was sick of hearing myself saying the same things over and over. So she wasn’t going to apply to X,Y and Z college. She applied to colleges where she would fit in and be happy (and hopefully succeed). I got over that, but it’s not always easy when YOU have expectations for your kids.</p>
<p>4- Praise the less motivated student’s good qualities. (And, fast forward to college, I advise my D to focus on classes and a major that leverages her strengths – less than one semester in and she is “getting it.”</p>
<p>Sometime this is more OUR problem than our kids’ problem. The sooner we realize that, the better off this process will be.</p>
<p>Wow…thanks for all of the congrats. It’s so nice and really appreciated.</p>
<p>I think I mentioned on a much earlier post, Levirm, that our family is one of those w/ a motivated, achieving, involved older sibling (S1 who is a senior) and a less motivated, uninterested S2 who finds it harder to do well in school and having trouble finding his niche. He’s a freshman, so we still have time. It’s hard because my boys are at a private school where all of the teachers seem to know and respect S1, and it’s hard for S2 not to feel like he is being compared.</p>
<p>I try to follow the suggestions made by LINYMOM, and am hoping in time, S2 will find that spark that will provide a path for him to follow. He and I were talking about his interests yesterday, and his comment was that he just isn’t ready to grow up. Unfortunately, time doesn’t stop until they are…</p>
<p>I think the test scores will ultimately be the gatekeeper for my son’s college choices. He is currently a junior in a huge public HS with a 3.9 unweighted GPA in all honors and AP classes. If he stays the course, he will graduate in 2012 with total of 12 AP classes, 2 regular (the required PE and fine arts classes) and the rest honors. His test scores will be very lopsided (high math, low reading/writing) if they correlate at all with his timed SAT (actual) simulation test. He is, at this point, refusing to take a SAT prep class or use a tutor (he has an independent streak…to a fault). I am keeping both the A schools and the B schools on his list (from this thread). </p>
<p>CCC- did your nephew do well at Vanderbilt? My son is thinking about majoring in the sciences in college, possibly premed, and I was wondering if he could do well there (well enough to get into Medical school).</p>
<p>seiclan…a fyi…my S1 didn’t want to take any SAT or ACT prep classes either. He did practice tests of each, and found that the SAT was a much better test for him, so he spent the summer before Jr. yr working through the Barrons SAT book doing lots of practice on his own, took the PSAT in Oct., worked a bit w/ another book over Thanksgiving break and took the SAT for the 1st time Dec of Jr. year. Did really well on Math, not so well on Reading and pretty well on Writing (he’s dyslexic, so we expected there to be a difference between reading and math…180 pts). He spent some weekend time working on the reading section, took the test again in March and was able to increase his reading score by 50 pts. ending up w/ a very respectable score overall.</p>
<p>Sounds like your son is in great shape as far as gpa.</p>
<p>A boy who graduated from our school last year is a Vanderbilt and absolutely loves it. He’s, I believe, pre-med. Not exactly sure of his major.</p>
<p>levirm - our household certainly fits the pattern of the high-achieving first born and the lower-achieving second child. And while I do get very frustrated with my younger son’s grades and apparent lack of motivation - I also enjoy all of his wonderful qualities and point them out to him as well. </p>
<p>I think BBYO has been wonderful for my younger son - as he has had a chance to thrive - take on leadership responsibilities - and basically have success that is not tied to grades. And I think that is the key point - once you get beyond college - grades no longer exist. I see a lot of potential in him in other areas - it’s just unfortunate that as a hs junior - grades and test scores seem to count so much. I’m sure there are a lot of very successful adults out there who did not do all that well in school - it really is an incredibly narrow criteria to judge a person on.</p>
<p>So - I’m trying to find middle ground. I feel I have to push him somewhat - at least for the remainder of this year - so that he gets into a decent college. But whenever the opportunity comes up to praise him for a non-grade-related accomplishment - I’m trying to capture those moments as well.</p>
<p>umich - My son also found that the SAT is the better test for him. He is going to take it in January after spending the christmas break prepping on his own. The plan is to retake in June focusing on the problem areas (reading). He feels fairly confident that the math section will go well (since he scored a 790 on the SAT 2 in Math 2 already). I am hoping that my son can increase, with his prep, his reading score about 100 points (but I don’t know if that is possible for him). If not, he may end up at a college more geared to the B+ students (since it seems that the more selective ones want more consistent test scores).</p>
<p>We’re in the club described above. LINY says it very well. These kids know what’s going on - telling them what you think they should do differently tends just to erode your relationship. The first time D2 told us we just wanted her to be like D1 we pulled back enormously. We focused on what we valued highly in her, and at the same time told her repeatedly that HS was going to be what she made of it. We couldn’t sit and take tests or do work for her, but we could let her know in a more qualitative way what we valued about hard work and caring about what she does. Then we all just had to wait until it “clicked” and she found out who she was. But filtering that through her older sister’s achievements wasn’t going to get her there any faster, and certainly with no more success. </p>
<p>What did help was the passage of time - literally she got the “chip off her shoulder” and grew up a lot. Having wonderful people who told her what WAS great about her was priceless (and having those couple of teachers who did hold her sister over her head was SO destructive). Many of these “lesser” achievers just need more - or should I say “the normal amount of” - time to grow up. I think top achieving HS kids are as much a product of their unusual ability to turn on the juice from day 1 and not have the teenage blips that generally make the “B” student.</p>
<p>My D2 has had something of an upward trend, but not a huge one. She also always had scores right along with her GPA - until 2 weeks ago. Now she’s added a few reaches to her list, but she’s probably got about the same chances at schools she ever had. We’re still preparing ourselves to have a “top tier” kid and a “lower tier” kid in the family, and making sure that isn’t a lifelong theme. They’ll both do what is best for them, and we all know that there are no guarantees down the line.</p>
<p>Interestingly, D1 herself has come to understand that everyone has her own needs, and her newer flexibility of attitude and vision is also helpful to her sister. We know she’ll be one of D2’s biggest cheerleaders, no matter what the application results. But we couldn’t have made that happen, either; I think D2 has been able to get the message across to D1, as well as us, that she’s going to do what she’s going to do, and that putting her in a box doesn’t help anyone.</p>
<p>In some ways - the journey of the less academically inclined child is actually more interesting. My older son is a laser beam - he has known his career path since about age 9 and has pretty much accomplished every goal since then - he has a level of focus and intensity that is actually intimidating to me at times. S2 has no idea of his career path - and really no concrete ideas on a major either. So - I am really excited and curious to see the choices he makes over the next few years and where he ends up 6-7 years from now. I can pretty much predict what S1 will be doing at age 25 - but S2 - I haven’t a clue!</p>
<p>^^add to that fact that even though child #2 has significantly lower stats, the process with her has been much more “enjoyable” (is that the right word?) up to now because she has fewer expectations…less issues of “prestige”; will probably be happy wherever she lands…</p>
<p>like RM, I am sooo curious to see her evolution as an adult; her unique strengths and interpersonal skills are far and above superior to her higher stats sister…and like RM’s first, my older one has known what she wanted to do since she was 11…</p>
<p>emmybet: must have missed the ACT score update (did you post)??? congrats!! (even though I don’t know the exact score, I know you were hoping for improvement!!)</p>
<p>I was the less academically inclined 2nd child. While it was a journey with lots of stops and starts I ended up with two masters degrees - one from Syracuse’s Maxwell School and the other from U of Chicago. </p>
<p>My sister never went beyond her Bachelors from Smith. (NTTIAWWT)</p>
<p>My 2 follow the pattern as well, although S1 doesn’t really have his path mapped out but is very academically inclined. Because academics were so important to him the college search and ap process was a culmination of all he had been working for. This made it kind of heart wrenching until it was over. S2 is by no means a slacker but academics don’t come as easily and don’t hold the same level of importance in defining him. I am expecting and hoping that the ap process for him will not be as stressful. He is the kid who has always been happy where planted so I’m hoping that pans out where ever he ends up in college. S2 who has had almost every teacher that S1 had in HS regularly hears about his brother from his teachers. He readily states that his brother is stronger academically and goes on with life. As has been stated above looking at each as individuals and avoiding comparisons is better for both. It is hard to do and something I work on. It helps though that they are such different people in so many ways and that I am genuinely proud of both.</p>
<p>You all sum things up very well in terms of how to handle sibling differences. My older daughter is a tough act to follow. She is perfectionist and driven, while her younger sister is more laid back. It’s been hard for my husband and me to pull back and accept that our younger daughter doesn’t want to go after offices and awards. She works hard, gets good grades, and has a lot of friends. She really values her free time. While she missed her sister when she left for college two years ago, I think it’s given her an opportunity to come into her own. When I see friends whose kids are struggling with various issues, I feel really fortunate to have two well-adjusted, happy daughters. I try to value each one for who she is.</p>
<p>emilybee: Thanks for reminding me to look back at my own family growing up. I was the high achieving older sister, then came my brother (got into Ivy with some help from sports), then my sister who was more creative than academic in those days. She went through “several” undergraduate colleges (including a couple of community colleges) until she found her way. She finally got her Bachelor’s from a small local private school here … then two Master’s and a PhD. We each took a different path, but family values are family values.</p>
<p>Still enjoying this thread… I can’t believe we are at over 3400 posts!</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your thoughtful responses…you all sound like such great parents that give such wonderful support to your kids!
I sometimes wonder whether these younger siblings are trying to distinguish themselves from the older siblings and one way to do that is through being different academically, or by having different interests.
Of my four, the youngest tries to distinguish herself the most. Luckily, she found an area of interest that the others did not have.
I love how the parents on this thread are finding what is special about each sibling and positively reinforcing this. And, I love how people reinforce their kids for being a mensch.
The family dynamics sure do change when siblings leave for college, as momjr so aptly points out. What have the rest of you experienced regarding this?</p>
<p>How have family dynamics changed…
I just caught S1 in earlier today by chance and we had our first vidchat of the semester. I asked as usual what he was doing. He told me he was trying to decide this weekend where he was going to do his study abroad next year. He said it would be good to have it figured out this week. The last time we discussed study abroad he told me it was something he might want to do. Now he’s telling us he’s making a decision this weekend. This was the first time that my husband or I had heard about it since discussing this as a distant possibility. When did he get so independent?</p>
<p>We just recently moved and S2 is loving having friends stay over in his brother’s room. Beyond that S2 has also gotten more independent. He used to rely a lot on his brother for help with school work. Now he works it out with his friends or goes in for tutoring. I’m the very last resort if he can help it.</p>
<p>After moving to the new home I find myself really thinking about how to set it up so that the kids will want to come back home. </p>
<p>As for younger kids working to strike out in their own directions, I think that does happen but I don’t think in happened that way with my 2. S2 started HS with a very similar schedule to S1, he however found that he didn’t like it nearly as much as his brother did. He found different activities mainly because they suited him much better.</p>
<p>D, who is away at college for her first semester, was always my “high maintenance” kid. From the minute she was born. But we’ve always been really close (and still are), but I really miss having her here.</p>
<p>But family dynamics… interesting question. D and H have been battling for a couple of years. I admit it is calmer now. Plus, I am having an absolute wonderful time focusing solely on my S. He is opening up to me more - not sure if that is maturity or just he is not being overshadowed by D’s outgoing personality. He definitely misses his sister. Plus, it is really strange when the three of us go out to dinner. Definitely someone missing.</p>
<p>D did come home for a weekend in October (but I was out of town with friends- planned months ago) and H said it went really well. He said she was really mature and helped driving her brother around, etc. Plus, they all got along. Phew.</p>
<p>My kids get along SO much better when they are 1000 miles apart … and not because they ignore each other. FB every day, constantly texting. But put them in the same room, and POW! Instant fireworks!</p>
<p>My sister and I fought like cats and dogs growing up. When she went away to school is when we started to get along. She was the high maintenance one and the house was just calmer when she was away. We spent hours on the phone and I remember my dad complaining that we didn’t talk when we lived in the same house, but now that he had to pay for long distance calls we talked all the time.</p>
<p>I think it’s going to be very hard on D2 when D1 goes off to college. They are very close. Friends as well as sisters. They hang out together and with eachothers friends. I love how close they are. D2 is weighing in on D1’s college choices by how easy it will be for her to go visit. That’s her main concern, how will she get there and back from visiting if D1 goes there.</p>
<p>mdmom, that is soooo sweet. I keep hoping my guys will find the love. When S1 first moved out S2 (who at the time shared a room with his brother) asked if we could move S1’s bed out of the room so he could have more space. S1 was probably out of the house about 4 hours when this request came.</p>
<p>spectrum - that’s pretty funny! I see my boys texting and talking on the phone quite a bit now that S1 is away at college - they seem to get along better when they don’t have to share anything (computer, Playstation, etc.). Should be interesting when they are sharing a car this summer.</p>