Inspiring children to engage in the JOY of learning is a noble pursuit. Children who love to read and are curious about how the world works may enjoy their school years more. Encourage your children to try several different kinds of outside activities, from art to legos to fencing, etc.
Be the family that gets outside and hikes, bikes, and/or camps. Let kids explore the world around them. You might inspire them into geology/astronomy/ecology careers, but if not, you will have bonded over good times.
Time management (especially avoiding proscrastination) is huge. Study skills don’t always come naturally, so setting up a space for doing homework and having a routine can help a struggling student.
Studying is one part of growing up. Learning to interact politely with adults, learning to share well with others, learning to work together, learning to volunteer time for service projects, and caring about others are all things that will make growing up a more pleasant experience.
OP, you mention that your children are age 5 and 6 . You also mention one of them having a history of some behavior/socialization history Issues in school for the last few years. This a little perplexing unless you are talking about preschool/daycare issues. If so, I would encourage you to spend time on behavior management, nurturing and modeling at home and such so that these issues don’t get in the way of learning in the future.
You’re setting foundations now. Foundations for learning, behavior, studying, socialization, happiness, sharing - all the stuff that will shape your childs future learning and LIVING success. Talk to your school principal or your pediatrician if you have concerns - they are child development professionals.
Finally, examine your home routines. Make sure you balance home/school/extracurriculars. Make time for chill time- not just in front of a screen - make time for interactive family time- play a board game, walk to the park, go bike riding, get an ice cream cone together. Keep life simple - plenty of time down the road for stressing out.
@abasket you are not alone in judging me as a bad parent. We parents of challenging children are used to it. You assume that I must need to “examine my home routines” because clearly I’m leaving my child in front of a screen.
Since age 1 when the biting began I have consulted experts at the top children’s mental health institutes in NYC. He has had multiple full neuropsychological exams and has had a weekly psychology therapist, OT, etc. since age three.
We don’t own a TV. My kids (one of whom is not challenging at all - same home environment, same parents) don’t know what an app is. Only kid-powered toys allowed in my house. Legos, magnatiles, thinker linkers, zometools, paper and pencils.
My challenging son could teach you a thing or two on a private tour of the American Museums of Natural history, his favorite place in the world (blocks from our house), which he visits every week (sometimes multiple times per week). Want to know about dark matter? The distinguishing feature of placoderms? He’s your kid.
Challenging children are just that: they are children (full of wonder and joy) who are also challenged by things that are easy for other kids to figure out. Parenting them requires a lot of heart, patience and perseverance. It also requires bravery to articulate the problems (not hide from them) and continuously seek the most productive solutions, from experts, teachers, friends and yes - internet forums full of parents sharing experiences about helping their kids reach their full potential.
Wow, I did not judge! Those were blanket statements for ANY parent. Things to consider. All parents should consider screen time. All parents should look at and evaluate your home routines. You may consider those things and say, " good - we limit screen time in our home so that is a good thing". Or you may say, “We have good, realistic routines with a known morning routine and a consistent bed time routine - I know these things are GOOD for my child!” Or some parents may evaluate and say, “you know, Susie doesn’t really have a bed time routine - she just falls asleep on the couch or with the tv on in her room at night - I can change that”.
Of course I don’t know you and don’t know what happens in your home. You are reaching out here so that already shows that you have nurturing, positive intentions - good for you! All we can do is suggest things for you to consider. And my point was that at such a young age - and this being a board that has a majority of parents who are at or near the high school/college/beyond stage, many of us see and know those first years are so, so important in terms of those things - rich language experiences, consistent routines (within reasons of course), chill time together, etc. With those things in place, over the years you will hopefully see the appropriate learning evolve so that you and your child can be in a decent spot to start considering “what to do” to get ready for the young adult stage of college.
I have much compassion for young parents and all parents who have challenging situations in their home life or their child’s potential. Truly. I’ve spend the last 30+ years in exactly that - parent education specifically for children birth-8. It doesn’t mean I’m always right of course! But I truly do have compassion and experience and would always want to build a parent up for success, not tear them down.
Repeat: you are a GOOD parent for reaching out, noticing your child’s strengths and weaknesses and looking to plan for them.
@basket Sorry about the tone of my previous reply and thanks for your highly gracious response. Truth be told I’m exhausted - emotionally, mentally - and thinking, my god, he’s 6. I have another dozen years ahead and everyone tells me that JUST GETS HARDER. Does not help to have a workaholic husband (MD doing noble work so I can’t really complain). So sometimes I have a big old pity party.
Parenting is nothing remotely like what I see among my friends and family experiencing it with similar-age kids. It is so much work and heartache. Just his morning I set-up a whole ‘boy’ valentine making station: lego stickers galore, forbidden markers, lots of cool paper. One was made. I tried to coax, to work side-by-side, but the whole project was declared ‘boring.’ I felt that this was the kind of thing that should be fun not mandated so I cleaned it all up.
On the upside I we love snuggling up with books together. There’s that and that’s big.
Unless you entered this marriage with the agreement that you would allow H to be an absent parent (doesn’t matter what the excuse is), yea, you really can complain.
My H worked many hours also, but I never gave him an out for parenting. Sometimes it required me pushing, but I was not going to allow my daughters to grow up with an practically absent father.
Abasket did not crucial your parenting at all…and glad to see you noticed that, and apologized.
I still think…you need to find things to do with your kids that are fun, and not stressful. When my kids were that little, they enjoyed folding the laundry and matching socks. They enjoyed helping put the groceries away. They enjoyed helping me make dinner…or bake cookies. They enjoyed just getting the mail.
You don’t have to do things that are not part of your needed household routines…you just need to include your kids in them.
And there are times when you will want them to have some time to themselves, so you can have time for yourself too.
They are both in school. This gives you at least 1/2 day, five days a week to get done things that are a PITA to do with small kids.
It also gives you time to yourself.
Some SAHMs find a small part time job can really take the edge off…or volunteer work. Perhaps you could consider these things too.
@NYCmama
As the mother of an extremely hard to parent child, please read this with the tone is intended. Your more recent posts are all the more reason to not be worrying about college. Coping with growing up yr by yr and seeking what fits their needs may not even be college.
I have an adult child with a very high IQ and academically could learn anything. (He can memorize pages of info insanely fast.) But, he suffers from disabling anxiety, has very poor executive functions, cannot multi-task, and cannot handle open-ended assignments. He is an Aspie, but definitely fits more of the real world under-employed Aspie than the stereotyped "quirky, highly successful geek. "(Unemployed or under-employed is unfortunately the reality for a high percentage of those diagnosed on the spectrum.) As an employee he needs an environment which is constantly affirming, repetitive, and micromanaging.
My biggest regret as a parent is all the $$ we spent on college for him. We spent far mor money on his education than all of his siblings combined. I wish we could have that money back and establish a small business for him based on his obsessions. Managing it for him would be less time consuming than what we do now and that environment would have been more affirming for him as an adult.
We have learned that parenting off the path is actually more important than following the path we think seems best. Hindsight is 20-20, but some things you can’t correct easily. His path is one.
Take it yr by yr and keep all doors open. It may be the well-traveled path. But it shouldn’t be even in the planning stages at 5.
@thumper1 Thanks for your reply. I’m actually as editor at a top scientific journal and without the intellectual stimulation and satisfaction of work, I’d be a quivering mess by now!
I think what I need to do is get a great tutor.
I’m picking up on your point about having kid-time that is purely for fun. We - I - don’t have enough of that. It feels like shirking my responsibilities but the reality is that if I’m burned out with a 6yo I’m not doing anybody any good long term.
@teriwtt Good point. It is all the travel that is so tough.
I’m going to go out on another limb here - because I really want to help - so please don’t judge this, overreact, etc. - you can tell me if I’m climbing up the wrong tree, ok??
First of all, I want to mention that while some other parents - friends or schoolmate parents - may seem to have it all together and have the perfect perky happy situation at home - they don’t. MOST moms and dads have meltdowns at some point and find them frazzled many times during the week trying to keep up with the role of parenting. Some talk about it (you) some don’t (THEM!). You are not alone.
Next…I can fully imagine your scenario this morning with the Valentine craft. Fully good intentions, well planned out in terms of materials and all and very timely - Valentine’s Day is next week! Then, it rained on your perfectly executed parade - the boys weren’t interested and the activity seemed to be a fail. Ugh - as a parent, that feels awful.
Let me ask. Who are YOU? What is your personality? Are you uber organized? Over achieving as a person outside of parenting (in your life before parenting)??? Sometimes in our quest to do the best for our kids we over compensate in effort - or maybe I should say our efforts get parked in the wrong lot - what seems right on paper does not fly in real life. A next door neighbor 5 year old girl, or a next door neighbor 4 year old boy might have loved your craft set up - maybe it’s just not your kids bag - THAT’S OK!
Or…maybe leave the items somewhere accessible and your kids are more prone to go back to it during the week and maybe a few more Valentines. YOUR wheelhouse may be to set it up and get it done. Their wheelhouse maybe less structured - go back and revisit the craft station on their own terms. It’s something you can experiment with.
I’m not sure you understood my post correctly. The highly successful geek type, like you describe your dh, is not the typical Aspie profile. That is a sterotype. Most Aspies don’t fit that profile and are underemployed. We had absolutely no understanding of gov’t programs and finally had to seek out state assistance through the Dept of Rehab for our son.
My point is really rather simple. Academics without corresponding exectuive functions and coping skills means that employment is incredibly difficult. Yes, my son needed academics. He loved and still loves learning. But if he can’t hold a job,it is moot. I wish we had been more realistic about career objectives for him. He is incredibly intelligent. (Like I said, he has a very high IQ.) But he functions like a child, not an adult. One of his therapists when he was about 14 made the comment to us that allthe schooling in the world wouldn’t matter if he couldn’t hold a job. My response then was indignation. 9 yrs later, it is our reality. He does have a full-time job, but he is severely under-employed. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/27/autism-employment-white-collar-jobs_n_1916611.html
Yes, I wish we had focused way more on exectuvie functions and coping skills. I wish we had thought way outside the box for his future than thinking–high school, college, career-- which is the only path we are familiar with as parents.
I’ll respond to post 29. Yes. Find time to explore things that are fun with your kids. This doesn’t have to cost money or even require you to leave your home. But do it. Yes, focus on social skills, behavior, manners, etc. personally, I think self esteem isn’t somehing you “teach”. It is something that comes from within the person when they feel good about what they are doing.
Re: getting a tutor…your other thread outlines your academic concerns in the area of math for one of your kids…a first grader. You need to communicate your concerns to your child’s teacher, and perhaps to the person in charge of Response to Intervention (RTI). If this is a public school, RTI is mandated, and is a regular education procedure for dealing with students who need extra help. Find out where your first grader is on the continuum in RTI, and what is being done to help him.
Re: academics…one should never ignore academic concerns, but at the same time, this is a first grader, and you also need to acknowledge all the good things this little guy is doing. Success builds success. And positives build positives. You don’t want to convey only messages of concern to your little guy. You are his parent…and you need to be supportive, and not conveying a message of urgent concern to him. In other words, don’t let this kiddo’s academic concerns define him as a person.
OP: Does your son’s school utilize computers in their curriculum? Our school provides laptops for every classroom and the smarter students love using them.
Now is an excellent time to plan their summer activities.
@mom2aphysicsgeek Thanks for clarifying. I would say I’m very concerned about his ability to gain independence, use good judgement, etc. especially since (see my comment below to @abasket) he has a lot problems with any kind of rule following (games or school work).
He loves drawing and in the back of my mind, I’m thinking of encouraging his skills so that he could potentially go into a creative field to do with drawing (illustration, graphic design). I know I’m biased but his artwork has an incredible sense of composition. Am thinking of trying out a summer program in drawing… my fear - and this is a BIG fear - is that as soon as there are ‘rules’ as is the case when you are learning something to develop a skill, he will rebel and I’ll have turned him off of something he loves. What do you think?
@abasket Very thoughtful reply, thanks. The highs are high but the lows are low. There is a great love of books and reading, nature walks, visiting museums and traveling and open-ended games (construction, imaginary games, drawing)… everything discovery-based is easy. The ‘these are the rules’ stuff - board games, solving world problems, journal writing, doing a craft (where X is the goal), etc. is hard.
^^^ then focus on those things for free time and family time. For now. School is probably enough structure for him right now. First grade is very, very young. You want to keep a open, positive frame of mind for him OF school. Work with his teacher, let your pediatrician know about any concerns for advice, but don’t feel you have to immediately “solve” his shortfalls. The things he love are very, very healthy and good.
Do not even worry or think about a potential field now! Really! Extracurricular art activities or camp are a great idea - but enter them without outcomes or measurables except that he might enjoy it and nurture his creativity.
So many posters have given you great advice and things to consider. While I don’t have any experience in parenting a child with the challenges you face, I did experience the frustration of having to care for and entertain our D for long hours (entire evenings and weekends) while her father was at work (H is also a physician) or on overnight call. Much as I enjoyed being with her, my energy and creativity flagged and I have only one child.
In addition to having a tutor work with your son on his math and writing skills, you might also consider having a young adult come regularly a few hours each week and take over some of the interactive fun things you do with him now and be there just for him to chill out with. In the old days, this might be called a “babysitter.” It might be enough of a novelty for him to get him re-engaged in things that he is not interested in doing with you and there is always the new energy and different dynamics a young person brings. It would give you a break and free up time for you.
Perhaps you can get recommendations through your child’s counselors but this would strictly be a “fun” companion, not an occupational therapist type person.
Actually…a teen would be a “mothers helper” and they are terrific. You are still there, but they really keep a watchful eye on the kidlets, maybe take them outdoors.
One thing to consider…and it relates to the arts and crafts project. Many kids at this age like to do things on their own time. It might be nice to have a craft box…glue, scissors, paper, etc…all the fixings for creative endeavors…that your kids could use as they choose. They get plenty of directed activities at school!
And when you do get around to outside activities…be smart. My kids thought we were a bit mean because we said ONE out of school activity. They each played an instrument, and each did one sport per year (not per season…per year). We were not prepared to drive them to scouts, and dance, and drama lessons, and children’s choir…and and and. So they had to choose.
Both were taking dance lessons when they auditioned for and were accepted into children’s choir. They had to make a choice…one or the other.
It might be enough of a novelty for him to get him re-engaged in things that he is not interested in doing with you and there is always the new energy and different dynamics a young person brings. It would give you a break and free up time for you.