Dunno how you can disagree with a low score when you only have an intro and one body paragraph complete and stopped in the middle of a sentence…? The one you linked, while decidedly not perfect, at least has two definite examples, an intro, and a conclusion.
Anyway, yes, I would definitely make your point concisely in the second paragraph so that you have time to finish. Stuff like “the entire company was agonizing over how to let the public know the quality and sleek designs of their shoes” is a little excessive. A lot of time was spent on flowery description and not so much on making your point.
No wonder that paragraph was so long, lol. What’s the point of making up facts (that would be ridiculously easy to look up, as a grader)? Shouldn’t you be practicing how to come up with real examples?