<p>My SIL is a lovely woman who always has to be the center of attention. She has been married to my brother for 33 year and in that time he has never. Literally NEVER spent a single moment alone with my mother. My mother would have loved to have him sleep over occasionally. Or once.</p>
<h1>1 sounds GREAT. I love having some alone time with my side of the family. I also like having less time with the inlaws! I think every parent of an adult child would like some one-on-one time.</h1>
<p>^ exactly! When H and I do this it allows for each of us to have that time dedicated to our own parents. We live 800 miles away from our families so we don’t have a lot of other time to do this. And while we all get along great there are things that I enjoy doing/talking about with my family and H has things that he does with his. </p>
<p>When our kids were younger, they stayed with me at my parents’ house. As they got older they sometimes wanted to spend a night or 2 at H’s parents house and at this point it varies. No big deal.</p>
<p>These are all fine but I would suggest the 3 day rule. Any visit with any relative at their house should not exceed 3 days. If you violate this rule, someone will eventually respond with the phrase “so, whats that suppose to mean??” and you will devolve into family chaos.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Suppose instead, the young woman and her mother had decided to go away for the week for girl time, to a spa or bed and breakfast or whatever suited their taste and budget. Is there a meaningful difference, other than it’s cheaper to stay at home than it is to go someplace?</p>
<p>Okay - I’ll chime in and say, while probably not ‘odd’ since I don’t think there’s a ‘norm’ to contrast it to, couple #1 should consider (and they probably already considered it) staying together at the parents’ house for a few days and then going to the other parents’ house for a few days rather than splitting up like this. In addition to seeing their own kid it seems that the in-law would have the benefit of seeing their kid’s spouse and bonding with them as well and also seeing them as a couple rather than their kid coming home for a few days.</p>
<p>It’s hard to say with couple #2 - maybe the one set of parents don’t have room, or are busy, or just prefer their privacy versus the other set of parents or maybe it’s just that the female is much closer to her parents than the male.</p>
<p>I think both couples might want to consider getting a motel instead. It eliminates any awkwardness in this area and people get along better when there’s space. When the hosts start snoring on the couch after all that tryptophan and pies on Thanksgiving the couple can politely excuse themselves to head back to the motel and do something on their own. </p>
<p>Really though, every situation’s different and different families and individuals have different dynamics so to each their own in this area.</p>
<p>I figure the people who have made these somewhat unusual arrangements have their reasons, which may be perfectly benign or may bespeak tension between or among some family members. Either way, ain’t nobody’s business but theirs. The actors in these scenarios are all adults. If I were related to these people, I can’t say I wouldn’t be curious. But I would presume that if anyone directly involved were disturbed, he or she would speak up.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>Maybe the girl’s family has a larger house that can accommodate them better, or is more convenient for other reasons. I don’t think asking the girl’s mother how the boy’s parents will feel about him not staying with them is a particularly productive question – first, it’s speculative; second, how should she knows; and third, what if the answer is - they’re terribly upset about it? I think you might be better served just to wish everyone a pleasant visit instead of asking one set of in-laws-to-be whether the other set of in-laws-to-be is or should feel wronged.</p>
<p>I see no problem with either arrangement or any reason why the arrangements would be of interest to anyone other than the visiting young adults and their parents.</p>
<p>Personally, I like arrangement #1. It was never considered when my husband and I were young marrieds, but it would have been great for each of us to be able to spend time with our own families, without having to explain the context of everything we were saying to our spouses.</p>
<p>OP here, obviously I am outnumbered here!! I guess I was just thinking about when my husband and I were newly married that we would have wanted (and did) stay together when we came home to visit. I do think anything is wrong with couple #1, just thought it was different. Couple #2 I was only thinking of the young man’s parents; I thought they would want to enjoy his company while he was on break. Yes, I realize that also could apply to couple #1, but again, being married made me think they would stay in the same home. If my in laws has actually wanted us to stay in their home during a visit, we would have split the time between the two home, but we always stayed with my parents. Plus, I don’t think as a young married that I would want to tackle my mother on my own; I needed my husband for support ;)</p>
<p>As the young woman are both related to me, I have know them since birth, so calling them girls and their husband/fiancee, boys is just a way of speech; I meant no disrespect by calling them boys and girls. Actually, even their parents refer to them and their sisters as girls, so this is just what our family does; I didn’t realize it would cause an uproar.</p>
<p>Again, I was just curious about what others thought of the arrangements of couple #1 as I have not known anyone else to do the same. You also have to know the mother of #1 who is my ex SIL; this might have been something she demanded and her daughter just gave into as my niece likes to be a pleaser, and my SIL is a control freak! As far as couple #2, the young man is very close to his parents and he is the youngest, so I was surprised he didn’t want to stay at home. It isn’t like he won’t see his parents, so I guess where he sleeps doesn’t much matter, I was just surprised. </p>
<p>I get to see both couples over the holiday, so I don’t care where they sleep as long as we get to visit!</p>
<p>NJ - your answer gave me a good chuckle.</p>
<p>Whilst we were living together but not married, we did each go and stay with our respective parents while on vacation in the same area that everyone lived… but something about being married made it necessary that we visit together…it is never the same…when children are in the mix it’s almost impossible to split between the two sets of parents but I would have loved to just go to mine and he to his - there is something you can’t recapture from the family dynamics when someone else not part of the family is there, no matter how much you love them.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>I wouldn’t have separated from my husband either in this situation – but that’s me. I think when I was younger I might have made the judgment that you did, but now that I’m older, I’m a lot more live-and-let-live on stuff like this, esp when it doesn’t affect me.</p>
<p>Well, I think people at 29 and 30 aren’t so “young” and these two must be pretty secure about their relationship that they don’t feel the need to be together 24/7. My ex and I did things alone and even took trips alone in the early stages of our marriage. WE were ok with it, and that’s all the matters, right?</p>
<p>There are so many unknowns in this. How big are the houses, what are the arrangements like? If this were me ( in my 20s), I would rather stay in my huge family estate than in my in laws tiny apartment whether my bf/husband wanted to or not ( all hypotheticals there isn’t an estate or in laws lol). I don’t think I will ever be comfortable sleeping in someone else’s house, only my parents, some of my siblings, maybe, if I had to. What if some of these parents don’t like the wife/gf/bf/husband etc… Is someone allergic to the family dog? I actually knew a case like this where the wife couldn’t go visit the inlaws at their home because of severe pet allergies.</p>