Considering that many of our husbands have now been married for the past few decades, I am just wondering if their perceptions from their single days decades back are still accurate these days? Before I got married, I had a lot of single male (and female) friends. Now dive we have been married some decades, most of my friends are married, as are H’s. When you’re out of the dating pool awhile, it may tougher to send and pick up signals across genders.
I think there are 2 types of men out there - the guy’s guy type who pals around with mainly just guys and the type that really like and appreciate women, men who I’d consider male feminists. My life has several of the latter and they are men who will hang out with women for friendship and will bring flowers to dinner without any romantic interest because its nice to bring people in your life pretty things, especially to a hostess who has cooked dinner for you. And no, these people are not gay.
My H thinks MOST of the single male pals would be interested in a romantic relationship, from his perspective. I just asked him.
Well, I am a guy, but I’ve been married since forever so my opinion may not count for much. However, we have our share of divorced men and women friends. Here’s what I think / see -
There are several possible levels of seriousness that people who are divorced and have kids could want out of their relationships with the opposite sex -
- Friendship and companionship
- Casual dating, without commitment and when it’s convenient
- Long-term relationship short of marriage
- Marriage
My theory is that most divorced guys are mostly looking for 1 and 2. Maybe 2 will eventually evolve into something more, but they’re often completely happy with keeping a relationship at the “2” level. And many of them are completely opposed to getting married again (or at least that’s what they tell themselves). I also think that most divorced women are looking for 1 and/or 3, and quite a few (but not all) are hoping a dating relationship could evolve into a 4.
So there’s a big inherent mismatch in expectations. The other thing that is a big factor is that often women have custody of the kids, and the guys only get to see them on the weekends. Guys have to work during the week and then spend their weekends with the kids. Of course, women still bear the largest burden of taking care of the kids and are “mom” all the time. Makes serious dating tough for everyone, at least before the kids go to college. There’s also the demographic imbalance where there’s more single women than men the older you get past the age of 50 or so.
Of course, my perceptions may be pretty skewed since most of the divorced guys I hang out with are not typical guys. They would probably be considered “prime catches”, so they’re free to date around a lot when they have time. Doesn’t mean they’re not lonely a lot, but they can get dates.
On the OP’s situation -
I have to say that bringing flowers is a pretty good sign he’s interested. Other than for my mother and my daughters, I’ve never bought flowers for a woman who I wasn’t interested in dating. Look at it from his angle -
I’m imagining that somewhere on another discussion group called Ollegecay Onfidentialcay this guy has written a post that goes like this …
I can see this guy agonizing over what to do. He finally comes up with a great plan. He’ll bring flowers over the next time he comes for dinner. This will be a great way to let her know that he’s romantically interested, but if she’s not then he can always pass it off as just bringing a present to the hostess. He probably spent an entire hour in the flower shop figuring out exactly what to get. Can’t get roses; that’s way too serious. Can’t get 6 flowers; that’s too few. Can’t get two dozen; that’s too many …
Guy here. I believe there needs to be a conversation. In this case since the OP has posed this question she should initiate the conversation. Something along the lines of saying that she really enjoys their friendship and it has been important to her and if he has an interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with her that is fine with her, and if he doesn’t that is fine with her also. They can still enjoy a great and meaningful friendship and continue to enjoy one another’s company.
If OP has a romantic interest and this gentleman is painfully shy she runs the risk of losing him to a woman who may be less subtle and more assertive.
OP can express herself with sensitivity and kindness, the discomfort should be minimal. If I really cared for someone I wouldn’t risk losing that opportunity.
I have a good friend in a similar situation. They’ve been going out to dinner, the movies, and concerts, but while she’s been biding her time waiting for him to make a clear first move, another woman they both know has started asking him out. We all go to a lot of the same parties and it’s obvious the 2nd woman puts a lot of effort into her outfits and pays special attention to him. My friend was really angry at the other woman, but my husband told her it was likely that she was placing herself in the “friend” zone with the guy and if she wanted to change lanes she was going to have to make an effort. She’s trying and so far it seems to be working.
When I met my husband, it was 6 months after a 3 year relationship ended when his fiancee called off their engagement. It was pretty clear to me early on that at least 2 women he knew were interested in him. I learned later that his relationship with one was similar to the OP’s. They cooked together, they hiked, they went to movies. I asked him once why they never dated and he said he would have dated her if she’d expressed any interest in being more than friends, but she never did. I asked him why he thought she did all those things with him if she wasn’t interested and he mentioned several of the things I listed in an earlier post – dressing like she was on a date, touching him, holding his gaze – all things that I did do.
Helping a situation along doesn’t mean you have to be brazen. When his ex-fiancee started calling my husband for “advice” several months after we started dating and began her lengthy conversations with comments like, “I hope I’m not getting you in trouble,” that was pretty brazen. Asking if they could get back together if we “broke up” was pretty brazen. Making it clear you have feelings for him is smart, but just because it’s not subtle doesn’t mean it has to be overly forward either. The “friend” who drove to my house on my husband’s birthday with a single serving slice of gourmet birthday cake and a suggestive card was over the top forward. But there’s a lot of middle ground between subtle and forward. Aim there.
I can’t believe I’m butting in here, but here goes. I’ve been with DW 34 years.
I think mystery and subtlety is sexy.
Opening it up by just asking him will force the issue and that could work against you. If your relationship is platonic it will definitely freak him out. I have never been able to stay friends with a woman who expressed her desire that wasn’t reciprocal. It’s just too much pressure.
As far as music, Santana should do the trick. Led Zepplin is a heavier hammer - recommend Led Zepplin 1 or 2.
Next time he brings flowers, smile and say “Oh how romantic”.
Drink a little wine yourself.
Get a “pain” in your shoulder and ask him for a shoulder massage unless he’s a professional. Lean in and make sure he knows that you are enjoying it.
Stream and watch a steamy R rated movie together - Most recent one we saw was Ex Machina from Amazon.
Get caught in a downpour.
Wear something valentine red. Man does DW drive me crazy when she does that. Can’t explain, it’s purely chemical.
If it’s very cold where you live, under dress and mention that you are cold when you’re walking outside and need warming up.
If it’s warm go to the beach or go on a boat and accidentally fall in.
Basically, you need physical contact that doesn’t necessarily have to be romantic but provides the opportunity to for either one of you to inch a little further in that general direction.
And then we would find out she has been inviting him over for dinners, to which we would say that is a clear signal she’s interested.
That takes us back to square one.
@ClassicRockerDad; I particularly like the “go on a boat and accidentally fall in” suggestion…would love to see that one!
“When I met him he was involved with another woman, but he broke that off early last fall.”
OP- When did he start bringing you flowers? before or after he broke up with her? If it was before and they were doing fine then maybe it’s just a thing he does. But if it started after they broke up then it maybe its a romantic gesture.
I think @ClassicRockerDad needs to start scripting Rom Coms. Rocker Rom Coms with Led Zepplin music and plenty of bodies of water nearby. 
Yes, guys can frequently hang out with attractive women without expecting any type of relationship progression. My wife and I do mountaineering, mostly together but sometimes separately, and a day in the mountains is an intimate thing. There is a collegiality among climbers, lots of touching and physical proximity with the understanding that there will be no more to the relationship than keeping each other alive.
Even during my single years there were usually women around who were friends. I and two other roommates, mid-20s, fairly attractive guys, had a couple of groups of women who would frequently hang around without any sense of romance. They were always welcome at our place and would often stop by. One was a group of early-30s nurses from the local hospital near us, some single, some divorced, some had kids. They knew we could meet out to go dancing or they could come over for beers and there would be no attempts to initiate sex. It was refreshing to have female friends, and I think they liked male friends who were not hitting on them.
Some guys can’t do this. They look at women mostly as a potential fulfillment of their sexual desires. A man like this, at his core, has an emotional emptiness that will never be filled. There are enough women out there with these same issues to accommodate them. It’s odd how this behavior has managed to become our new cultural norm.
I think Mr. Flowers enjoys the intimacy. He may not need nor want any more than that. In your 20s, with triple the level of testosterone, sexual tension followed by bedroom acrobatics is also really exciting, but much less so now. If he is on blood pressure meds then the equipment isn’t working anyway. He sounds like a good guy,so test the waters, but you might have to accept that what you have is all you will get.
This website probably isn’t the best place to talk about dating. The reason this site is called “college confidential” is because the people who go on here went, or are either planning to go, to college. People who go to college, particularly those who graduate college, are academically ambitious, and people who are academically ambitious tend to be too nerdy to know much about social things like dating. In general, the more academically-oriented someone is, the more introverted they tend to be. I’m not saying this is the case with everybody, but it is a common trend. People who are serious enough to pursue education beyond high school are probably going to be too serious for things like dating. Also, people who are in college are probably going to be too busy for dating anyway. It isn’t like high school, where you can not work hard and graduate anyway.