<p>Please try to keep this situation in perspective. Think of this as if you were looking back at it ten years from now. Do you know what will be the most pressing points? It’s all about your relationship. That’s why you’re most angry, most hurt. The “thing” that also bothers you is her drinking, but this is just a typical teenage behavior. It could have been drugs or sex. None of those are “easy” topics to deal with as a parent, but remember to keep this in perspective and keep your relationship a priority. Explain your disappointment and concerns, but be sure she knows that she is loved. That’s what really matters.</p>
<p>Well…is drinking alchohol a very serious thing in USA???</p>
<p>Kicking her out of your life won’t do anything to help. That’s running away from the problem. You should continue to be a loving parent. </p>
<p>I hear in countries where they have a lower drinking age, there are less of these issues. The fact that it is illegal makes it worse.</p>
<p>I’m sorry, I absolutely cannot believe the responses here. I mean that in the most literal way, in that they are incomprehensible and I do not grasp the concepts listed within.</p>
<p>Please held me understand this reasoning – it seems like the mother has treated the daughter with respect. In return, the daughter lies to the mother, sneaks out of their home, and drinks underage.</p>
<p>And this is all excusable because she gets good grades or whatever and “everyone else is doing it.”</p>
<p>I must live on another planet, because there is no way nonchalance would be the appropriate reaction in my family or any family I know.</p>
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<p>I don’t mean this is a personal attack, and if it is taken as such I apologize in advance, but, judging from how the majority of threads you get involved in here tend to go, this seems like an accurate statement.</p>
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<p>Saw it coming, to which I respond:</p>
<p>No, no, my views are way out of the mainstream, but I thought that I lived in the same society as everyone else. I mean, nothing but my college experience has been atypical, yet I haven’t met parents who would be willing to just let sneaking out and lying slide.</p>
<p>I totally agree with Baelor. Most of these responses in this thread have been from young people, and even though i’m one myself, i disagree with because teens “will lie and drink and do whatever behind your back anyways” that it should just be accepted. Look at the thread ‘letting go forever’. I think it will change your perspectives.</p>
<p>^^^^ That thread should be eye opening for all parents not just the ones who are having some problems with their kids. American parents are way too permissive in regard to their expectations for behavior. We all seem to think that just because a kid is 18 they are entitled to go crazy and be disrespectful. In most cultures this would never be permitted.</p>
<p>Baelor wrote:
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<p>To a degree, I agree with you. I would be quite disturbed if I discovered not only one lie, but a pattern of lying and deceit. It would not be excused on the basis of past successes or that everyone is doing it.</p>
<p>However, what people might be expressing here is that although not all teens will experiment with alcohol or lie about their whereabouts, teenage rebellion is not uncommon. This doesn’t mean that the rebellion is “okay” or that by virtue of the fact that it is a common aspect of adolescence it should go unchallenged. However, the fact that it is such a common aspect of human development should be kept in mind in order to avoid radical, histrionic reactions such as the OP’s statement below:</p>
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<p>That is completely out of proportion to the acts committed. I find it reasonable for the OP to feel betrayed, angry, etc. However, given that this kind of behavior in teenagers IS quite common, there is no need to go off the deep end. Having said that, it SHOULD be addressed and the OP is well within her rights to expect honesty and integrity from her child. I doubt having repeated arguments about the dishonesty or threats of banishment from the family is the answer, however.</p>
<p>It sounds like some very calm discussions regarding the OP’s family history of alcohol abuse are in order. I think it’s quite reasonable, and in fact, is really important that Mom discuss the dangers of drinking with her daughter that encompasses everything from legal ramifications, potential for car accidents, the higher incidences of sexual assault which can result from alcohol use, etc. It would probably be a good thing to show her the “letting go forever” thread so that the daughter can understand where her mom is coming from. I think it is appropriate to point out that she has no intention of funding four years of partying and consequences for lying and dishonesty should be set out.</p>
<p>Acknowledging that teenage rebellion is very common is NOT the same thing as accepting or condoning the behavior. We are faced with “common” bad behaviors by our children from the time they become toddlers-many toddlers bite or strike other children-we don’t accept this, we correct it, but we can correct this behavior without branding our children as bad kids. The same thing happens as they move on through elementary and middle school. Our kids may display common inappropriate behaviors. We correct the behavior, use the incidents as teaching opportunities and move on. </p>
<p>This situation is yet another opportunity for teaching about the dangers of alcohol and the importance of honesty and accountability in relationships. In matters of discipline I believe a firm stance must always be balanced by compassion, understanding and love.</p>
<p>Mom - I hope this works out well for you.</p>
<p>
One thing as a parent I try to be careful about is setting up a rule set that makes it VERY likely my children will break a rule.</p>
<p>If q parent has two rules
- Do not ever drink or do drugs
- Do not ever lie to me</p>
<p>And then the parents ask the question … “have you ever had a drink or taken drugs” … then they have set up a situation where about 90% of kids will by definition dissapoint their parents. They can face their parents rath/disapproval for either the choice the made or being honest about their choice.</p>
<p>In my house we’re trying to foster openness from our kids which means we can not go negative when they tell us they have done stuff we do not approve of … we certainly can share our thoughts on the behavior but we do not go negative … or next time they are likely to pick lying to avoid the same scene next time.</p>
<p>Mom, one last suggestion … maybe you never broke your parents rules or told white lies about it … but I’d bet if you ask 10 of your best friends the majority of them did when they were 16-17-18. I am not appoving your daughter’s behavior but she is doing what teenage kids do … if she had picked up DWI a couple times or disappearing for lenghts of time with an 30-year old boyfriend I would be giving very different advice … but your daughter’s level of testing of life and your rules is what virtually all teenagers do.</p>
<p>When I was a teenager, the only time that I wasn’t lying to my mother, was when she wasn’t asking me a question.
So when D was a teen, I never assumed that I was getting the unvarnished truth.</p>
<p>Thank you everyone for the advice. </p>
<p>The past 2 weeks have actually been wonderful even though I had that slight meltdown last week. I have been doing a lot of thinking and I have done all I can as a parent to keep her safe and now its her turn. We have talked about drinking and sex and drugs, about consequences, about our family history. I have set a good example with my own behavior.</p>
<p>Although I hate the drinking and I would rather she not drink, I can’t make her do what I want, she is an adult now and has to make her own choices. I did find out that at the last party mostly the boys drank a little too much, and as they became more drunk she grew increasingly uncomfortable, so much so that she did not enjoy the party as much as she wanted to. I am thinking this is a good sign. </p>
<p>We only have five more days until she heads off to college, and I plan to make the best of it. Saturday we enjoyed the day and had a picnic by a lakeside at a beautiful state park with all of her friends, the day was perfect. These are the memories I want to keep of her, and what I want her to remember of our last days before she goes to college. We will catch a movie, something we enjoy doing together, and take a stroll at an arboretum close by. </p>
<p>She will come back, she is not leaving forever, but things will be different. </p>
<p>I hope all parents put things in perspective and learn not to over react, its not helpful and it only damages the relationship with your child. But it can be repaired, and we can move on…</p>
<p>oh and musicamusica: your post made me laugh!</p>
<p>123mom, I was reading all these posts and was prepared to reply with a comment about how important it was to have a real understanding between the two of you before she leaves. And how much better you will both feel if you can resolve your feelings of disappointment in the lying. I agree with musicamusica…I was a kid just like that!</p>
<p>I was SO happy to read your updated post. Quite honestly, I can’t imagine you could handle it any better and it will be the best possible fooing for when your D leaves for college. There’s no doubt in my mind that all those values you worked hard to instill will be there in your D and that she will feel comfortable to share even more with you in the future. Fabulous.</p>
<p>I agree with above.</p>
<p>Well done, OP. You have put your disappointment on the back burner to focus on your relationship with your daughter so that she leaves knowing that you still love her, value her, and have high hopes for her safety and her future.</p>
<p>When I was a kid the drinking age was 18, so we started at about 14.</p>
<p>I was a pretty good kid and never got caught when I strayed a bit in HS. However, I remember about a month before I left for college my mother saying, “You have maintained a good reputation up to now, just don’t screw it up before you leave for school.” I have no idea what I had been doing, but she must have thought it was bad. </p>
<p>Enjoy these last few days. Say loving things to her like–“I am so proud of you and I know you will make great decisions while you are in college.” Set her up. Telling kids how proud you are of them makes them want to continue to make you proud.</p>
<p>OP,
I sympathize with your feelings of anger when your daughter lies to you. My DD did the same thing to us. When we discovered a lie (telling us she was someplace when she was at another place, sneaking out of the house), we would give her a consequence. Recently she persuaded an older relative of ours to purchase liquor for a prom party. And she used my car to transport the liquor. So she cannot use my car until January 2011.</p>
<p>And, of course, I was furious and felt betrayed every time she lied. </p>
<p>She is a college freshmen now. During the month before she left, my H and I had a few long conversations with her about making wise choices and becoming a reliable trustworthy adult. In addition, we told her that we would always love her and stand by her but that she would have to face the consequences of poor decisions in college. We could not shelter her as we had done in high school.</p>
<p>But, because she is in college now, I feel calmer about everything. I have no control over her actions now. And she is not rebelling against me because I am not there. I recognize that she made many good decisions in the past in addition to the poor ones. So I am optimistic that she will do just fine.</p>