My mother loved me like crazy, still, I am certain that once I married she loved him far more than me. He knows it, too.
So many ways to be dysfunctional families. Then add in-laws to the mix. Quite the learning curve. I don’t want to remember the missteps and other bad memories. Takes awhile to figure out- see below.
My family tree has a history of early deaths so no grandmothers, nor mom around as a married adult. Maybe my H is right about only the good die young as my F seems to be living forever. There is NO WAY he can live with any of his kids- we also saw what his father was like living with our aunt. Decades ago my sister’s H put our father in his place when he was behaving badly while visiting them.
H is from India so in-law visits were more than a year or two apart and for weeks at a time. They were delightful houseguests from the beginning but there was a huge cultural gap. Religion didn’t matter with either side (and we both abandoned our childhood beliefs). My poor mother-in-law was scared of me I was told years later. I’m a foot taller, much more educated, was over 30 and used to doing my thing- she was shy about being in my territory (kitchen) and not familiar with American life- she never got to be the Indian m-in-law with me because I knew nothing about how things work there et al. Of course she prefers being with her D. While he was alive her much older H preferred being with his son (problem with getting along with his Indian s-in-law initially as well). Oh- add in language problems- is it really no or instead yes to a question…
Now my mother-in-law get along quite well. I have learned a lot about her and cooking Indian foods. She has learned a lot about life here. We discovered things we have in common that neither of our husbands liked to do. Plus- now we live in a warm area so winter visits get her out of the cold at her D’s. If my mother had lived those two mothers would have gotten along.
Then there are siblings and their families. I’m the odd one out (also middle child). Getting to know sibs kids as adults- they are so much easier to get along with!
As for being a m-in-law or grandmother myself. Knowing son and his parents neither will happen for another ten years, if ever. Hmm- strong willed parents have strong willed son who meets strong willed woman. Won’t be allowed to interfere…
Other than a few bumps along the way, H & I get along with our and each others extended families, for which I am very grateful.
S gave us a G’Son and DIL quite unplanned.
It was a difficult beginning as they thought they would release for adoption and then changed their minds.
H and I had no preparation for the fact that they would marry and go forward.
So, while I did have initial advice, I did quickly shut my mouth.
I really honestly enjoy and like spending time with my DIL. I do spend money on her by pedicures and new clothes.
We always make sure they have time, if they wish, to dine out ( at our expense) while we watch G’Son.
They live 4 hours away and so every visit is an event.
We gave them a reception far sooner than her parent (2 years!).
Yes, if this sounds like buying them then maybe so.
I think of it as saying that we appreciate the fact that they are united and doing a great job.
As she is close to her much larger family, we have never requested anytime with them for any Holiday. And in return they have made good effort to be with us the few days before. We have a lovely time and appreciate it.
I never liked my own MIL. It has been a sadness in my life as my own mother was a true narcissist and made my and my Sibs lives miserable. I never let my own kids know my mother in any real sense.
I wanted to love my MIL. She made me so anxious–not in advice per se–but every thing a person does/says she had 50 questions. H finally can see that he never could help me by telling her to stop as he wanted her approval. So H and MIL still have their relationship/dance and I have had
no contact with her for years and never plan to again. Do not hate her but do not want her in my life.
I do put much of this on both my H’s and my own need to people please early in life. But it led to a great loss.
Therefore! lesson learned. If you have a DIL then just shut up. Be polite and treat her like royalty.
Do not expect your S to ever take your side and so do not put him that place–ever. You raised him to honor his wife–not you–!
My MIL tried to be just wonderful and accepting, and she was. I spent as much time with her and FIL as we could, even with H & me carrying our babies up the 66 steps from the street to the front door as often as possible. When she broke her hip, it was actually a blessing in disguise because she rented an apartment in the same building that we lived in, so we saw them most days while she recovered. She and FIL were gracious and loved being around the babies–they were so delighted to babysit and hold the babies while they slept.
Sadly, my MIL had a tough time with her MIL so resolved to not repeat those mistakes and was wonderful and so delighted to be a part of our lives. Sadly, she died three years after we were married but was delighted to have spent so much time with all of us.
Why do so many people dislike their inlaws, or think their inlaws dislike them? It seems so sad to me. For the mostpart, we’ve liked the girls our s’s dated (one exception, ad VERY glad to see that one end as she and her family had issues). I will do my best to not be the kid of inlaw that posters write about here!
Ack typos and missed the correction window! (the kind of inlaw, not the “kid” of inlaw) Hoping not to be the kind of inlaw cc’ers here have had to endure!
@jym626, yes, these stories do inspire me to put extra thought into how to be a good MIL.
@oregon101, I see nothing wrong with gifting your kids with money for dinner or pampering. IMO, it’s only “buying them” if this comes with strings attached or you begin to feel that they only spend time with you for the financial windfalls, none of which seems to be happening.
My MIL was wonderful. From the instant I met her, she was warm. She had some customs but they were geared toward hospitality, so easy to get used to and help with. And she was humble. In so many ways, the opposite of my mother, who’s too complicated to describe. But I still remember the good parts and realize many positive influences she had over me.
When people speak of shutting down a problem person, I shake my head. Some people are willful, no matter what.
I think in many cases, there may well be no way to “shut someone down.” Those are the cases where one may have to completely walk away. You just don’t give them the opportunity to abuse you, particularly in front of your children or in your own home.
I am not of the belief that the concept of “family” takes precedence over all (not saying you said that). If a situation is truly toxic, it doesn’t bring enough good to offset the negative.
I think a lot of MIL-DIL conflict could be avoided if sons took responsibility for maintaining closeness with their moms, rather than thinking that family relationships are women’s territory. Most women in my MIL’s generation accepted without question that they’d be the ones to plan visits, buy gifts and cards, remind the son to call his parents, etc. Most of my friends didn’t expect that would be their task but have wound up doing it (and not all that enthusiastically, either). With the result that the DIL is doing more than she thinks she should have to in that area, while the MIL thinks she isn’t doing anywhere near as much as she herself did, way back when.
My MIL would be having a happier old age if she hadn’t spent so many years being pushy, manipulative, and critical. Though my husband is financially generous with his mom and puts his life on hold to be there during medical crises, he avoids contact otherwise. It falls to me to remind him about phoning, birthdays, how long it’s been since we’ve seen her, etc. (And I promise you that he couldn’t tell you my mother’s birthday for a cool million bucks.)
Re post 30–maybe that son-mom relationship is better left unattended. You may be pushing a relationship that is better left alone. He knows all the details (birthdays, he should call, get a card)–he just doesn’t want to be involved (and for better or worse) for good reasons. He’s being a good son doing what he feels is necessary by providing financial support but everybody draws boundaries.
Trust me, I wish I had a great relationship with my in-laws, but I refuse to be treated like crap and that is what they provide to me. I have never said a word to them about it because it won’t get anywhere. I bite my tongue and avoid.
My ex, who I was with for many years, had a family that absolutely adored me. So much so that they jokingly tried to date me off to other cousins so that I would stay in the family. His mother was incredibly nice to me and his extended family still checks in with me and many sent me congratulatory cards when I got married. Alas it didn’t work out and to be honest, I miss his family way more than I miss him.
I wish I had that type of closeness to my in-laws now but they have made it clear repeatedly that I was the wrong type of person for their baby. And because I don’t bend to their will, I am seen as never part of the family.
Oh, and to be clear, my MIL has told me more than once that I am not part of the family. Mr R and I are not married because god wasn’t involved in our ceremony and I am not part of the family because I didn’t take his last name (both according to my MIL).
My brother’s wife so my SIL has moved my parents into her home. You could not have a better relationship between an in-law and a spouse.
She is especially close to my mom (my dad is just along for the ride).
They have had a great relationship since they met 44 years ago.
romani-
You need an inlaw-ectomy. I cann’t imagine being on either the giving or receiving end of what you, auntbea and others here have gotten. Wow.
Luckily I have fantastic parents that make up for what I lack in in-laws. I also have an incredible relationship with my BILs and SILs from his sides (and several of his cousins).
“The MIL” was the topic of conversation in my weekly walk with my two girlfriends last week. One of them recently had her MIL move in with them after the death of FIL. She is very opinionated and a gossip. And with my friend’s docile personality, it was a recipe for conflict. My friend feels like her territory has been invaded and we reminded her that MIL will not change if she doesn’t speak up. Its a tough position to be in.
My MIL adored me – my H was the only one of her three sons to marry and give her grandchildren, much less date. But she had Issues that totally prevented me from wanting to become close to her. She was a hoarder (mild-ish, compared to what one sees on TV) and had no self-esteem. She died much younger than she should have because she didn’t know how to take care of herself.
Hmm, interesting points. My husband is very committed to his mom and always remembers her birthday, checks in with her frequently, etc. And THANK GOD, he also maintains appropriate boundaries and calls her on the rare foray into “none of your business.”
When I met my DH, I noticed how close he was to him Mom. His parents had gone through a very traumatic divorce when he was 8, and it basically scarred him for life. But during that time before she met her second husband, my DH, his brother, and his Mom got very very tight. I didn’t want him to become distant from his mother because he got married, so I’ve always encouraged and supported the nurturing of that relationship. I am all for his taking her to lunch or dinner without me so that they can speak freely and engage in that special connection. We’ve invited her along for a couple of family vacations, and we always spend holidays with her. Maybe when she saw early on that I wanted them to continue to be close and enjoy their own “thing,” she didn’t feel threatened by my relationship with her son.
Food for thought.
My sister and I both married people with families that we liked. The various in-laws still have their quirks, but are much more pleasant to be around than our parents, who are/were mostly cold and nonsocial and not interested enough in grandkids to even remember their names. The family I married into balances things out for me.