Forty years younger? Wow.
My MIL’s boyfriend is around her age. They met at work. This guy, like my MIL, is in his early 80s. He leaves his wife home several days a week to take my MIL out to lunch. I wonder if she’s ever suspected that her husband has been carrying on an affair for several decades.
Neither of my parents ever saw or spoke to either of my husband’s parents again after our wedding. And I never expected that they would.
Do most people have contact with the parents of their children’s spouses?
@lizardly arent you glad I started this thread? =D>
It took my IL and I a long time to understand each other. i think we have done a good job remembering that we all love my husband – but I will admit that it wasn’t until my sons were dating that I realized how painful it can be to see their whole life revolve around another family. The girls’ traditions? inviolate. Ours? totally optional. Too many women are happy to welcome a new bf into the fold, but seem reluctant to allow us to welcome their daughter. Put another way – you may feel all happy to see the date at your holiday table, it’s just another placesetting but it came at the cost of an empty seat at mine. But the couple of course wants to be together, and one of the families needs to be gracious.
So I remind myself that my MIL loved him first, and needs DH to herself sometimes. Her own MIL was awful to her, and I see that she didn’t want to repeat it. That makes it my part to meet her more than halfway. Luckily, DH gets along great with just about everyone, but we still make sure to split our free time as evenly as practical. I think it’s normal for any IL to feel hurt if the other family is getting all the visits, etc.
@Marian, my parents and in laws saw each other at my kids’ earliest bday parties…pre K. And much later at holidays at our house, if I was hosting. For a long while, we had our holidays at their houses but split the holidays, which in our case was easy bc we always did thanksgiving with my in laws and Christmas with mine bc I’m Christian and my husband is Jewish.
Marian, in my family, we do see the parents. I guess because we all live within driving distance of one another. For example we invite parents of both my sisters in law to larger events, such as graduation parties, holidays, summer bbq’s and they invite us. I get along with my brother’s in laws as they are very friendly. One time, one of my SIL’s planned a family vacation with all the parents, etc. That didn’t go too well. Too much time together. Never again.
My son has been dating the same girl since 11th grade, they went away to different colleges but remained exclusive. They both graduated this spring, but are still dating. I hope he doesnt screw it up, as I really like her, we get along with her parents, and she gets along with my daughters.
My other two are girls, one college and one in high school, so who knows what the future holds for them.
I guess other families’ patterns differ from the one I experienced.
In my family, most of the people in my parents’ generation were disinclined to travel – either by preference or because their households included older people in poor health who couldn’t travel. So we established a pattern where we went to them rather than them coming to us. Since we never hosted family get-togethers, the two sides of the family (actually, four sides since both my husband and I had divorced parents) didn’t mix.
Funny, though. Until I read this thread, it never occurred to me that the the two sets of parents of a young married couple might have contact with each other. One of my kids is in a serious relationship that may lead to marriage. Suddenly, I’m a little scared of meeting my child’s partner’s parents. They might be people I would have to deal with over a long period of time.
I know a women whose mother carried on a lifelong affair. Maybe it is the same person- the women I know does have a younger brother.
I will say, as much friction as I have with my in-laws, to their credit they have zero problem with me being the breadwinner. They were happy that Mr R found someone who would allow him to be a stay at home parent and work in a field that interests him.
The fact that I have several more degrees than Mr R and already outearn him while I’m still in school and he’s out in the field doesn’t bother them in the least.
Our parents met at the wedding rehearsal, and have seen each other at two graduations, since. (we’ve been together/married 35 years) Our moms send Christmas cards to each, and flowers for funerals, and are even friends on Facebook — but spending time, together, no.
@lookingforward: “…she was warm. She had some customs but they were geared toward hospitality, so easy to get used to and help with. And she was humble. In so many ways…”
I absolutely love reading that. That is the place my mother hailed from, and it marked as a little old-fashioned sometimes, but that was always said with a warm smile.
Double-like your #43.
(Can we get a button for that, btw?)
Omg, same gift to his mother- but hers was her size and usually green, her favorite color, while mine was…her size and green.
My grandmother had a long-ish affair with a former boss, a mutual interest (the guy who got her started in her business and was pivotal in her later success.) Maybe 4 years. I know I had met him several times and think it ended when I was about 9. My mother told me this, many years later. My mother adored her father but wasn’t upset at her mother. And while we imagine something where people sneak off every chance they get, I don’t know if it was like that.
My BIL’s parents seemed to hate my parents from day 1. They would NEVER get together.
My parents and DH’s parents are very cordial when they’ve seen each other at a handful of functions relating to our kids, but they don’t go out of their way to get together.
A good friend and her DH didn’t want to do the every other year thing with their family, so they always celebrated en masse. The wife’s parents are now both gone, but I always kind of envied not having to do the separate holiday thing. My parents divorced and remarried, as did DH’s, so we always had to accommodate 4 sets of parents at the major holidays. It’s very stressful at times.
My D will be hosting xmas this year and will have her future in laws and us. I think it will be a good tradition going forward.
W2E, thanks.
When I said this wasn’t the extreme judgmentalism or open critiquing others get, I meant it wasn’t that sort of vicious attack. But my mother can be relentless and severe. And clever, so the dagger was in before you saw it. These sorts of hassles can be lessons to us, how not to be.
I really lucked out with Mr LF’s family, including the paternal side, which is just plain nice. And DH’s mother did, too. Her MIL, DH’s gm, was also a doll.
Anyone remember the Munsters tv show? I’m Marilyn in hubby’s family. Absurd and crazy things go on with them and I’m supposed to pretend it’s the only choice.
Mil and fil are actually sweet people and I like them and the kids really love them. However, my husband is the oldest boy with two younger sisters who sucked the oxygen and attention. He had a stable life, job, marriage, normal kids so I think they felt okay ignoring us or putting everyone else ahead of us.
Now I have to pretend my nephew isn’t a psychopath or sociopath, I haven’t decided and that my nieces doing drugs and having tantrums at 20 is what all 20 year olds do. Mil used to tell me my kids would probably be kidnapped because they were so well behaved.
Apparently I just lucked out raising two good kids.
Marian, my mom’s parents never met the my dad’s parents after the wedding, either. Just wasn’t done. We visited each set separately growing up. We probably saw my dad’s side more often since we lived fewer hours away from them, and all the cousins when I was a kid were on that side.
S1’s MIL is a delight. She and I are buddies. Now if only his marriage had worked out…
Do most people have contact with the parents of their children’s spouses? >>
Ours do. My mom was the one who called MIL’s boss when FIL died and they have been to each other’s houses multiple times. My sisters invited the inlaws to their weddings and vice versa. The inlaws have know two of my sibs literally thier whole lives since they were born after we started dating.
Around here, most folks do keep inlaws of relatiives invited to various activities. One of my sisters lives with her MIL, so the MIL gets invited to everything my sis and her H are invited to. We’ve seen the ILs of most of my sibs for many events–birthdays, holidays, weddings. Whenever a big event is planned by a family member, if it is large enough, they always invited ALL the inlaws of ALL the sibs. It can get pretty big when ILs are included, but that’s how it goes.
My other friends are similar. They welcome all ILs regularly to gatherings and generally have a huge attendance for their Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and many other events. They are pretty close to all their ILs–the parents of the whom their kids married, as well as the sibs of the folks their kids married. It’s fascinataing and nice to see how close they all are.