grave. My father sobbed. When I went with my daughter to her friend’s funeral I didn’t talk or cry. I waited until we got home and I went into my bathroom and cried.
gouf, my sister who lost her 24 yo son still goes to the accident site each month and releases balloons, lights a candle and changes the flower at the roadside memorial. It’s been five years. Grieving in that way is not in my nature, but it gives her comfort. My dad sees butterflies or find things that total 27 (Mom’s birthday) or their anniversary and says these are messages from Mom. Who am I to argue? I went to shul and said Kaddish for my Catholic mom almost every day for eleven months – noone in my family went to daily Mass, but this was how I processed it, and by the end, I had some peace about our relationship. DH has never said Kaddish for his mom. He has good reasons for that.
This would be so tough–D had a very hard time in college when a beloved aunt died (tanked the semester and delayed graduation a year–depressed). I believe it would have been even harder if it was one of her close GFs.
I can’t imagine the pain of having a child die and hope I will never know that pain. Death of young people always strikes harder, since it is so unexpected and you think they have lots of time to do great things.
Son lost a close friend at 9. Heartbreaking to him and our family as a whole. Since then, we’ve volunteered with a foundation that raises awareness of the importance of blood/marrow donation. It’s been therapeutic. Mom of son also wants her son’s memory to live on, so I try not to shy away from mentioning memories of him.
My nephew’s very good friend died after being hit by a car when they were in high school. Although he was heartbroken, he was as okay as you can expect under the circumstances. They had grief counselors in the school & the class talked about it. When nephew was in his last semester of college, two of his best friends were killed in a car accident - no counseling or group discussions with this tragedy. This time, nephew was not okay. By the time his parents realized how it had affected him, my nephew had a breakdown. His parents found him lying on his apartment floor, rocking himself. It took a very long time and a lot of therapy to get him to a place where he could move forward. It’s been almost 6 years. He never did finish school, and he has a job that pays the bills but is nothing like what he had hoped to do. I am sure he will continue to make progress, but it is a slow road. I don’t think anyone can ever be prepared for this sort of thing. If it does happen, I believe it’s important to arrange counseling for those left behind (as long as they are open to that).
@gouf78, a dear friend whose wife died quite young said he hated to see the mail arrive because it inevitably had sympathy cards. He put them away until he could bear to read them. If I were in that situation, I think I would rather know that people still remember even (especially?) years later, but that’s just speculation. A former neighbor’s child died suddenly in middle school, and even though we had long since lost touch, I think of that child at milestones and say a prayer for the family. Sometimes I wonder if I should reach out, but it seems weird after all these years.
I guess personally I have the philosophy that loved ones will always be with us in some way even after death and that they certainly wouldn’t want me grieving but for a short time. I’d rather think they are rooting me on to live life more fully and not get stuck in time mourning which so many people seem to do.
My daughters had a classmate die when they were in 5th grade (9 and 10 years old). It was a small class, so they’d all been in girl scouts, choir, basketball and other activities together for 6 years, and we’d all been going through the cancer treatments for 18 months.
I thought they did a good job of dealing with the death at school (catholic school, lots of discussion). The funeral was massive and they tried to include as many school children in it as possible (choir, alter servers, different jobs before and after the services). The parents wanted her to be remembered and included in everything. There was a tree planted, a bench outside the school with her picture, a scholarship in her name, a group in an annual run in her honor. There was big discussion on whether she should get a page in the yearbook or included in graduation 3 years later because some people thought it was too much. Hard to know when it was too much.
Many of the kids still are friends on FB with the mother and send her notes on the anniversaries of the girl’s death and birthday. My daughter received a reminder a few weeks ago to send a note. She seems to still appreciate receiving notes and updates from the kids.
My dh’s best friend died when a Little League pitch hit him in the heart. He won’t talk about it and I know it still affects him to this day, 40+ years later. I think he would have been a different person all together had that not happened. His parents definitely wouldn’t have addressed it all, so he was on his own with it all.
On the opposite spectrum of what we are talking about, my almost 91 year old mother just lost her best friend from childhood. Of course, as an adult, especially one of this age, she has lost many, many friends and family members. I have to say this is one of the saddest things I have ever witnessed. She’s been best friends with her for 85+ years. She said to me the other day, “No one should ever be friends this long. It hurts too much. I am heartbroken.” At least with this situation, my mom presumably doesn’t have a huge number of years left, so our belief is that she will soon be reunited with all of those that have gone before her.