I completely relate. I have moderate suicidal ideation and clinical depression. My doctor always seems to normalize it and tells me that talking to people and exercising will help me, but if I had the motivation to do that, would I have suicidal ideation? Last year I accomplished a lot of things while wanting to die, I placed at a national robotics competition, got straight As in 5 AP classes and Chinese 4, and I got a 5 on 3 of my AP Exams. But what people don’t realize is that I cried myself to sleep trying to get those As, I failed 2 AP Exams, and I constantly felt like I would never be good enough. I understand that sinking feeling. This year is my senior year. I got accepted into colleges thus far, but I am not excited at all. I dread the thought of having to go through the school system for 4 more years. I know a couple of my colleges may rescind acceptances because of how poorly I’m doing in my classes this year, and I’m terrified. I have a biology exam tomorrow that I am not going to even think about even though I am well aware that if I fail, I will get a D in the class.
I think UCs are a lot more progressive, which is why that’s where I want to go. They tend to generally be more understanding and emotionally intelligent, which is why I feel like that would be the perfect place for you. You also have the ability to write an optional essay that would allow you to tell them your story with depression.
I hope you have an amazing gap year and are successful with whatever you decide to pursue! Sorry for ranting, but I needed someone to listen to me objectively.