OP, my son’s diagnosis (executive funtcion disorder, slight ADD, depression) came very late – freshman year in college after a full-out nervous breakdown – because his symptoms were atypical (yes, another highly gifted kid) and because he wasn’t honest with his dad and me, or the few therapits we tried.
Acknowledging he had a problem, and seriously seeking help for it, changed his life. But it took a while. There were no overnight solutions for us, and in many ways I think my son will always have to take steps to care of his psyche.
We tried meds - adderoll, anti depressants, vyvanse. All made a big difference, with vyvanse being the one he liked best. Once his mood and his thinking skills were stabilized it allowed him to really figure out what he wanted in life.
And at that point, it was not college, even though he was doing fine academically. He did what his gut told him he needed to: he left school, moved in with a bunch of buddies, and got a full time job.
That was arguably his best ever decision, a totally self-made one. He told us nothing until after the fact.
Working helped him discover that he can DO things. That he’s smart and analytical, and that he can apply his intelligence in a very practical way. That he can support himself (and he earns very little.) That he’s needed and respected by his employers and coworkers.
He’s now trying to live/work without meds. The thought of chemical dependence made him uncomfortable, although he says he will go back to vyvanse if he decides he needs it. He occasionally tells us he’d like to go back to school – we tell him, only if/when you’re ready. We tell him, his happiness and health are more important to us than any diploma. I had a miserable high school/college kid, and I don’t want him back. I much prefer the confident working kid, thank you very much.
So my point is – try things: meds, therapy, life changes. Try them until something sticks, works, bears fruit. It doesn’t have to be permanent: if you don’t like one medication, try another. If you don’t like one therapist, look for someone else. (It took my son a while to find a shrink he liked and trusted.) Encourage your son to try new things and experiences. For example, travel. My son’s true recovery began after he went to Nepal for a month, and saw just how much excitement and adventure life can offer.
My best to you and your family. What you’re going through is HARD. But it’s not unique, many of us have lived it, and seen light at the end of the tunnel.
I’ve gotten great support and advice on this site. At the very least, it’s a great way for proactive, practically oriented venting.