A post was split to a new thread: Screaming Baby in Restaurant Etiquette
Sounds like a tough situation. And sorry to say, it may be a sign that the sound mind is starting some minor decline. I only say this because a beloved aunt was once acting out of character at a family reunion by licking her fingers, picking up dessert crumbs. At the next family reunion, she was definitely less sharp.
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I am so repulsed by the thought of this. You state she doesnāt just lick her fingertips, but the whole finger??? I really think Iād gag if I witnessed this behavior. Even right now, imagining it, I feel pretty bad revulsion, and Iāve seen unbelievable things in my career as a nurse.
Is this new behavior, because if it is relatively recent, I would honestly wonder if this isnāt evidence of at least the beginnings of cognitive decline.
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I agree with this. A new gross habit like that sends up a red flag for me that something is changing cognitively.
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I do agree with your assessment. If it is a habit she always had then one may āblameā it on her upbringing, but if it is a recent acquired habit then it may be changing of her inhibition.
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Agree it sounds like cognitive slippage. A few older folks Iāve known (my dad included) lost a good bit of āthe filterā when they got older. It manifested in different ways depending on the person.
I remember advice from Carolyn Hax (Wash Post advice columnist) - when itās an inlaw issue, let the spouse (whose parents are causing the issue) handle. Why should you have to be the bad guy? Itās hard enough being an inlaw!
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This brought back a vivid memory - at a previous employer, someone was retiring, and we had a reception with a sheet cake.
One of the employees in my department was cutting and serving one of the cakes.
To our horror, when the knife would get covered in frosting/crumbs (as it does), she was using her fingers to slide it clear, then LICKING HER FINGERS, then back to cutting, then cleaning the knife again with her fingers, then LICKING HER FINGERS, over and over.
We brought her paper towels so she could clean the knife, but she kept licking away. I donāt know if anyone ever said anything. But she wasnāt asked to serve in the future!
When itās a family member and it happens repeatedly, thatās a lot harder.
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I agree that this is gross. And I like the solution of giving everyone wipes at the table. If your spouse can talk to her, great. But if not, giving everyone wipes and saying something light like āNobody likes having their hands a mess or messy hands touching the food, so we thought weād give the airline solution a try. Fingerbowls just seemed too fussyā.
I had a few other thoughts as wellā¦ Yes, it could be a red flag for cognitive change. But it could also be that something that she does privately (just her and her husband) that has become habit. There are any number of behaviors most of us wouldnāt do in front of others that we might do alone in the living room - or at the table - that she now does without thinking. A gentle reminder may be needed to make her aware that she has unwittingly adopted this habit. (I recently asked DH if heād realized heād started making āold man noisesā around me and cautioned that he might not want to make a habit of it!) And I agree that it can be done compassionately, as in āIāve noticedā¦ am worried about the health risks ā¦wanna make sure you stay well.ā
As someone who raised a kid on a farm ā focus group of one ā we were probably more relaxed than many about dirt. Dirt isnāt germs! But we were no less concerned about teaching our kid good manners, include table manners. I donāt think that āgrowing up on a farmā is a basis for the behavior you suggest, so Iād look for a different explanation.
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I wish you the best in getting your husband to address it. My dh always seemed to have issues understanding that he could stand up to/contradict/disagree with/confront his dad. I think he viewed it as disrespectful. And, yes, all those things can be done in a way that is disrespectful, but they can also be done in a respectful way as well. Some people struggle with accepting their own adulthood in their relationship with their parents.
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Does she have children who could talk to her? Of course, I presume your spouse is alive. My gosh, does no one else seem affected? That is just gross.
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My grandpa (RIP) would pick his nose (and show it off, and then eat it) at the table. Both he and grandma would talk with their mouths full and would occasionally spit out little bits of food. Iām kind of a priss, but I suffered silently. lol
They had a fruitful life together, seeing something like 100 countriesā¦ but boy, the table manners were awful. They grew up in rural South Dakota and Wisconsin, respectively, in the 30s and 40s ā maybe table manners just werenāt taught in those places in those daysā¦?
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Thanks to everybody who responded. I just thought Iād post this update so you can see that it is not cognitive slippage, it is her being gross, and then really nasty to me in particular. So a week ago my husband told her (over text, because sheās so bad with immediate emotional communication) that he didnāt want to hurt her feelings, but that sheād done this thing a couple of times, and he described it. He then said that he wanted her to know so that it didnāt become an embarrassment for her in public. After a few hours she texted back, and said that we could all serve ourselves separately at dinner. Over text, she seemed reasonable. But tonight, I was seated directly opposite her, and looking directly into my eyes, she slowly and deliberately licked over her fingers and hand. My husband was sitting to the left of her and didnāt see. She is a psycho. I try really hard to be nice to her and her husband, and I am not going to be nice and chat with her after she attempts to psychologically screw me like that. It was an awful night, although I managed to hold it together.
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I think at the next meal, if there is one, Iād whip out my phone and record her. lol What do you think sheād do?
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Or burst out laughing uncontrollably at her. I did this to my MIL decades ago, and it mortified her to be dismissed in that way. Every time she tried to belittle or jab at me in some way, I just started laughing. It took away her power. Your MIL knows this behavior upsets you and she does it purposely. Donāt give her that power.
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Iām so sorry. What a miserable person she must be.
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Thatās awful, so sorry, Snowball2.
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UGH. Does she do this kind of thing in any other context? Iād treat her the way Iād treat a child trying to throw a tantrum or a bully trying to get a rise out of someone in middle school - just ignore her. Donāt maintain the eye contact, find your food or someone else fascinating and just donāt look at her. (Unlike a child throwing a tantrum, you donāt have to worry about someone being hurt or something getting broken so you can do full ignore.)
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I think I would have hurled at the table. And I would not return to that table again.
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I was close, and I have a cast-iron stomach. But Iām clear in my mind about what Iāll be eating and not eating at the communal T-giving with more relatives on Saturday! 
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Please find a way to eat in a place where you cannot see her. This sounds nuts and malicious, what she is doing, so I would make sure that Iām not sitting in a place where I can see her do her weird stuff. Donāt give her that power! Make her invisible.
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