Well, I’ll (I should say “we” - H and I ) will be the exception to the rule.
We are empty nest right now at least during the college school year.
H is on a schedule where 4 days of the week he works later (“later” depending on the season and sunlight). So definitely I eat on my own those nights. When he’s not working - and any other nights we might both be “off” - it just depends. We both keep pretty busy and enjoy doing our own schedule. He or I might want to exercise when the other is ready to eat. Or, he was home during the day and didn’t eat lunch till 3:30pm. Sometimes we eat together - especially in good weather when we would take our food outside. Sometimes we will take our food and watch a show together while eating - not often, but maybe once every couple of weeks. Sometimes we just eat separate, when we’re ready!
This works for both of us. I do cook dinner or have something prepared most nights. We only go out or do take out maybe one night a week. Neither is ticked off that we are not eating together unless one make certain plans to definitely eat together and the other one bales (that would be HIM!)
This method is not for everyone. But it works for us. Though we are “empty nest” (hate that phrase!) life is still really busy and we both have a lot that we do on our own that keeps us occupied.
Wait… Why wouldn’t you join your H at the gym, and then you both can eat together? We always do. Do you need to eat right after you get home from work?
tired already: Has your husband invited you to the gym? Or maybe you detest the gym as much as I do?
We have very good couple friends, who rarely eat any meals together because of their schedules, but they do go to the gym together. And they food shop together on the weekends, even though they eat separately most days… I don’t think it matters what you do together.
Just think of Annette Bening in American Beauty serving dinner every night. It didn’t mean too much.
The gym has become important to my H too and I’m all for it. He’s lost a lot of weight and so much healthier and I’m not about to stand in his way. I just wait for him. Make a date in some other way. Talk and down time is just really important for any relationship no matter when it occurs.
I love cooking and my husband likes what I make, so we do eat most dinners together. Sometimes we’ll just watch the News Hour (love that show!) while eating, but we’re there together. I think it’s important for spouses to have meals together during the empty nest years. That’s just one thing you can do to keep the marriage strong, or to help shore up one that’s struggling. It’s too easy to grow apart.
Sometimes I cook, sometimes he does. Sometimes we eat together, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes I’m out, sometimes he is. Sometimes we go out to eat. Sometimes we graze. Sometimes some or all of the kids are here. I don’t think we care who eats with who or when.
I surrender. I’ve tried and tried to reply to my post and I can’t so I am replying here. I agree that dinner together is important. DH and I get home from work within 15 minutes of each other, but he wants to go to the gym right away. Eating dinner with me just sets him back and if I wait for him to get home from the gym, my whole night turns into me waiting for him. I like to eat dinner together because it really is the only time we spend with each other. It’s really insulting that he can’t make time to share a meal with me, and it’s not like he’s training for the Olympics or anything. In my mind, not eating dinner together is just one more step on the way to becoming two people who share a house. Next we may as well shop for food separately and section off the fridge.
Also, I read the comments in the community forum about people who couldn’t post and I tried the solutions without luck so I won’t be replying. Just wanted you to know that I agree with the people who replied "of course we eat dinner together!
Dinner is one measure. It’s even just ONE meal! Is there more clout to eating dinner together than breakfast?
Is there more clout to talking at dinner or eating dinner but few words are exchanged?
How about if you chat on and off during the day but don’t sit down for dinner - does that make one more “healthy for a marriage” than another?
I’m all for families eating together when it is possible. I don’t subscribe to the idea that that meal must happen no matter what, at all costs. It’s a meal! Maybe talk to me while I making the dinner and before you leave for the gym or a class or to work on the garage on a project. That counts!
(this is a part of CC that GRINDS me - where some will answer with the “politically correct answer” as if to wave a flag that they are fulfilling the idea of the “perfect American family”. ) Off my soapbox.
Absolutely agree, abasket. As I understood it, it sounds like dinner together is really import to the OP, so there are two ways to fix this. Either the H accommodates the OP’s schedule, or the OP makes the first move. Remember the proverbial story about Mohammad and the mountain? Sometimes, making the first move does not make one less wise.
^^^Yes, and the OP’s original question/intent should be kept in mind and provided with feedback. Absolutely!
(it’s when the thread seems to turn into a “brag fest” that I get annoyed. Sometimes I just would like people to admit to not being “perfect”. - my own personal gripe I guess!)
Love the feedback like, “wait. Can you go to the gym with him??”
Yes, there are definitely so many ways for folks to get the togetherness that works for them. As long as things work, more power to them. Definitely so many creative ways for folks to thrive!
@abasket In fairness, I think most of us were just answering the OP’s original question. I certainly don’t think you* have *to eat dinner together. I’m so not a morning person that while I eat breakfast, I’m general eating it after dh and I’m not at my best, but breakfast together may work better for other people. I do think marriages work better if the couple does something together. It doesn’t have to involve a meal, but I think it does have to involve talking.
I do wonder if the OP would consider trying the gym with her husband. I don’t do the gym with dh on weekdays, but we do go together on Sundays and then usually pick up sushi to eat together afterwards.
So, it sounds like the real issue is “togetherness,” not simultaneous dining, and I would agree that doing whatever works for you to make that connection is important. If this is the issue, maybe the OP should ask her husband what makes him feel connected to her and focus on that rather than their dining patterns which may be just a symptom of something else that is lacking.
We do not have dinner together and I don’t have any problem with that. I will eat before DH comes home as he often works late. We text or speak on the phone often during the day and have regular date nights so it’s not an issue.
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I surrender… DH and I get home from work within 15 minutes of each other, but he wants to go to the gym right away. Eating dinner with me just sets him back and if I wait for him to get home from the gym, my whole night turns into me waiting for him… It’s really insulting that he can’t make time to share a meal with me, and it’s not like he’s training for the Olympics or anything.
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Like OP’s husband, I like to go to the gym almost every day and very often I’m unable to go until later than both DW and I would prefer. When that happens we still eat together and, yes, that means DW waits for me. She’s willing to wait because, a) she understands that it isn’t realistic for me to go to the gym right after eating a large meal, b) she understands that exercise is very important to me, c) she’s a supportive wife, and d) we love each other and always want to share dinner together.
My wife and I are semiretired and set our own hours. I’m confident that if we both worked regular jobs and arrived home at about the same time every day, either of us would be perfectly happy to accommodate any activity the other wished to pursue and schedule dinner together accordingly.
It sounds like there’s more going on than dinner together or not. I don’t know the OP’s story, but it seems like they have different needs/preferences and they’re just not “jelling”. I don’t know if the OP is recently an empty-nester, but maybe in the past it was all about the kids and now she’s feeling a bit lost and is focusing all her attention on this “We must eat dinner together” idea while her H is happily working out, not realizing how important it is to her. I think they probably need to talk about this and how they want to do things now that they’re alone.
It’s interesting to read, though, how differently couples do things. China every day? I don’t even OWN china! Breakfast together? H and I have only eaten breakfast together on vacations-he gets up and leaves for work before I even get up. Plus, he rarely eats breakfast. We do try and eat dinner together as a family, not because of some expectation, but because it’s just easier. But I would not want to wait and eat later than I prefer almost every day because he works out. When would he rearrange his schedule for ME?? I don’t like to eat late, period. I would try to compromise, but I’d really chafe under some expectation that I sit around waiting for my H to eat.
We also have different activities-I don’t belong to his gym and he doesn’t do hip hop or swim with me. That’s just FINE. But it also means we occasionally don’t eat together, and that’s fine too.
While I am not one of them, some people have trouble exercising after they eat or shortly before bed. I say good for your husband to be working out. You don’t have to turn your evening into “waiting for him”. Try to establish a time to expect him for dinner (or when he will be home to help cook) and eat later. Snack on something healthy right after work if you are hungry. Then do what you want until that time – hobby, walk, your own exercise of some kind, reading, etc. You are lucky he takes care of himself. Honestly, you come across as at least as inflexible as he is on this, and he has a pretty good reason.
