Do I allow my daughter to go to the home of Ivy alumnus to be interviewed?

Parents Forum
921

<p>This conversation does go to the core of why so many of us can’t understand the hesitancy of being alone with a college interviewer in a home (not sure why they think it is OK in an office though and how that is safer? btw). There will be MANY situations where your daughters or sons will be alone with someone of the opposite sex that they do not know (and in examples here, even co workers they DO know). They might meet with a professor in his office. Or a co-worker in an office. Or a fellow student in a study room or dorm room or laundry room. </p>

<p>I don’t have a male gyn. I am in the room with the female gyn (and who knows? she could be a lesbian too…I have no clue). But a gyn appointment is not like a college interview. The patient is naked and her legs are spread open and her outer and inner parts are touched by the nature of the typical basic examination. My family doctor is male and I am alone in the room with him. Same with my dentist. My husband is a health care provider and goes into his closed office with his patients, though his patients are clothed. He also examines children (clothed). </p>

<p>That is why I can’t understand this fear of the alumni interview. This is not the only situation one is going to be in a room one to one with someone who is older or the opposite sex that they don’t know or don’t know well. </p>

<p>But these situations (doctor, lawyer, interviewer, boss) are not random strangers. It is not like meeting a guy on the street who asks you to come into his home or office to talk. I certainly am not bringing my girls up to fear every single meeting and situation where they are with men one to one. I recall my D meeting with agents (she is an actor) in NYC by appointment last spring in their office. I never thought twice. These are legit agents. My other daughter met with employers in their office one to one too. This cannot and should not be avoided. Your kids are gonna be with lots of strange students in dorms, lounges, etc. at college too. It just is.</p>

922

<p>Greenery, do you have a D in college yet? Will she avoid all situations to ever find herself in a male’s room on her hallway in her dorm without a chaperone? What about the coed bathroom on the hall? Will she bring a chaperone to the laundry room in case there is a male in there (I met my husband in the laundry room at college and we were the only two people in it). Will she bring a chaperone if she goes to the professor’s private office? My D had been to a professor’s home…and while she is female, she (the professor) is gay. I never thought twice. They were alone. My D works for her. My D has been assigned male students as a partner on a project and has to work with that person one to one in a rehearsal room with a closed door (may not be a friend). Should she bring a chaperone? I think not.</p>

923

<p>Parents are aware that many dorms, and even many bathrooms, are coed these days in college, I hope. If not, you had better prepare your kids, or else look for a college where that is not the case. I believe some do still exist.</p>

<p>And anyone who thinks that a college interview, in any venue, is less safe than a college campus really needs to think again.</p>

924

<p>TEN REASONS OF WHY A STUDENT SHOULD NOT BE INTERVIEWED AT THE INTERVIEWER’S HOUSE PLUS AN EXTRA REASON”
1- Inappropriateness of situation

  • “Meeting alone with someone in an academic building full of people in adjacent offices is not the same as meeting alone with someone in that person’s home.”
    -“I think a home interview is awkward at least for female interviewees when the interviewer is male. The interviewee has no idea if anyone else will be in the house.” “Important to remind people that males --including young, strong, healthy ones can be raped and molested. In fact, this apparently happened at a college near me when a male faculty member invited a male student to his home, slipped something into the young man’s drink and then sexually assaulted him.
    -“D says a girl at her school had an interview with very odd, personal questions that made her uncomfortable. When she got home her mom called the college to complain, and college said they knew nothing about the interview”
    -“It is irrelevant that the alumni is doing this on a voluntary basis. Common Sense should still prevail. If it is true for an adult to be sensible [in not going to a stranger’s house] for their safety why is it ok to tell a child (minor) to disregard this same advice?”
    2-Problems with Neighbors - “Girl’s mom was outside down the street waiting… A neighbor got a bit antsy called the police… thought that the person was either lost/had a broken car/possibly nefarious/maybe his appointment”
    3 – “Parents feel uncomfortable about an interview’s being in a stranger’s home”;
    4-Incommunicado- In one of the interviewer’s house the cell phones does not work-So if the student needs to call the parents due to a problem with the interviewer, it is not possible!
    5- Injuries: Dogs & Cats- Another poster explained how a student was bitten by the interviewer’s dog. Cats: A student was allergic: Even if pets are not present, their dander is still in your carpets and upholstery and allergic kids will react.
    6- Potential Problems: “No matter how great the inconvenience, alumni interviewers who conduct interviews in their homes are creating a situation in which either party could accuse the other of sexual harassment [or something else].
  • It is entirely appropriate for a young woman (or young man) to be cautious about getting into situations that might be risky and from which it would be difficult to extricate themselves. An interview in the interviewer’s home is one such situation. There’s a reason why my alma mater and some others insist that interviews take place in public places.
    7-Drinks and Offers: “My recommendation - absolutely not. Last year my son went to an interviewer’s house, interviewing for Yale. Interviewer answered the door in boxers and offered him a drink, twice. My son declined the second offer with a “I’m pretty sure thats illegal.”
    8-Unprofessional- “It still just seems a little weird to have a professional type meeting in such a personal space such as a home. I think that more than anything sets off my sketch-alarm. </p>

<p>9- Liability: “But the interviewer isn’t an employee of the college, the interviewer is a volunteer with the college”/” “campus sexual assault as “shrouded in secrecy.””
10- Perception: “pretty sure I’d feel uncomfortable having my daughter go to an unknown person’s house–a person who happens to have great power over her future (or at least so the perception goes.)
EXTRA- 11
Impression: “I used to interview in my house; but my college has told us not to; Other than safety reasons, I think the college does not want potential students to make judgments about the college based on how nice an alumna’s house is, or how it is decorated”</p>

925

<p>Who wants to prepare?</p>

<p>-Top ten suggestions for the wonderful “volunteer interviewers”
of how and where to conduct their interview; or</p>

<p>-Top ten suggestions for the interviewer if a student needs to endure, the only option, of interviewing in a private home; or</p>

<p>-Top ten suggestions for the student, if a student needs to endure, the only option, of interviewing in a private home</p>

926

<p>Greenery - just say no.</p>

927

<p>Out of over 900 posts, looks like there are only a handful of those from which such a “top 10” list can be culled. If you don’t want to participate in an in-home interview, don’t. Its as simple as that. Many many many hundreds of posts here speak to the contrary.</p>

<p>** cross posted with old fort****</p>

928

<p>Greenery-
I had 6 interviews. By far the worst one was at a local starbucks where the interviewer and myself were interrupted multiple times by random strangers who essentially harassed us. My best interview was with a relatively young male at his home and I was currently an 18 year old female. Nothing inappropriate occurred. In fact he couldn’t have been more courteous or respectful. I find myself offended at how you seem to think of young females as damsels in distress and unable to take care of themselves. If anything inappropriate had occurred, then I would have excused myself and left. I would then make a report to the college admissions office. This is not a difficult concept. Furthermore I think that you have made your point, that you feel uncomfortable about it. However you seem to get offended that people disagree with you and try to point them in the other direction. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you do not have a right to insinuate that people who disagree with you are wrong. </p>

<p>Also this is not just coming from me. I shared this thread with my paranoid mother who surprisingly didn’t even think of this as an issue. I also approached many of my peers as well as professors and admissions committee in regards to this thread (I was curious to see what they thought, FYI I attend a small LAC). Everyone said the same thing, it is up to the APPLICANT as to whether or not they feel uncomfortable and want to request another option. They also all believed that it is not inappropriate to have a home interview. However, everyone thought it reasonable to be able to request a different location if the APPLICANT feels uncomfortable.</p>

929

<p>“Your kids are gonna be with lots of strange students in dorms, lounges, etc. at college too.”</p>

<p>Irrelevant. That is the norm. You are missing the point.</p>

<p>They barely know each other and are going to one person’s house to do what’s supposed to be a formal interview. Not so normal. The OP’s interviewer is jumping the gun here. Keep your clothes on :eek: and just say NO!!!</p>

930

<p>Having coordinated alumni interviews, I can tell you a lot of kids would not get an interview if doing them at home was off limits. These are folks with busy lives trying to fit in these interviews to help out colleges. This week I got an email from the coordinator in my region all but begging that all of us do more interviews than usual this year because of the increased number of applicants. My answer would have been no if I could not do them in my home.</p>

<p>A student on another thread wrote that a stranger commented on his interview at a Starbucks after the interviewer left. These venues are what seem inappropriate to me. And many offices can be intimidating to kids. A cozy den seems like just the right place to me.</p>

931

<p>Look…Greenery and Leah321: your collective objections won’t change the fact that interviews for many selective colleges and universities will continue to take place at the homes of alumni. Until the evening news at 6 begins reporting daily missing ‘college applicants’ across the country, nothing you say will change that. </p>

<p>If you’re uncomfortable with it, then make sure your child requests an alternative location. If the alum can’t accommodate for whatever reason, then politely decline the interview. Most schools don’t require it…it’s merely ‘highly recommended.’ Don’t try to shove your fears, insecurities and paranoia down our collective throats. </p>

<p>Or better yet, hold a protest or two in front of a few admissions offices. Lets see how far you get. That’s all I have to say.</p>

932

<p>My only comment to those who won’t go to a partner’s (or boss’s) office alone, before work hours actually begin: Gloria Steinem should be screaming. Or, let’s bring in the Taliban for workplace practices. (How very un PC of me).</p>

<p>…oh wait, women won’t be allowed to work, ergo solving the endangerment problem. </p>

<p>So, tomorrow morning when my daughter is going into work early for a meeting I should worry, right? And when my son (he is pretty young, but successful about the age of a grad student) goes into an executive’s office…male or female…oh golly. And when my son’s assistent and intern go into his office and work product is on television (they are both in show business, you KNOW how those people are) shield them.</p>

<p>We are talking excess worrying here people. Our children are not that fragile, the world is not that menacing. And once you fill your children with fear and distrust of everyone how do you think that they will learn to discern real danger? I’ll show them this thread. They will fall over.</p>

<p>…and this is said by a mother who has been accused of being over protective, often. I can’t wait for my kids to say that again.</p>

933

<p>“So, tomorrow morning when my daughter is going into work early for a meeting I should worry, right? And when my son (he is pretty young, but successful about the age of a grad student) goes into an executive’s office…male or female…oh golly. And when my son’s assistent and intern go into his office and work product is on television (they are both in show business, you KNOW how those people are) shield them.”</p>

<p>Completely missing the point…go back and read post # 918, 924.</p>

934

<p>Sorry, Greenery, it is you who is completely missing the point. </p>

<p>Your standards are your standards, but they are out of line with the rest of the relevant world here, and you shouldn’t pretend, to yourself or to others, that you have anything but your own say-so to fall back on. Which is fine, and people should try to be polite and accommodate you, but do not try to impose your standards on others, do not be surprised when you get a lot of push back, and don’t fool yourself that you are in the mainstream, at least insofar as the alumni communities of colleges that grant alumni interviews are concerned.</p>

<p>And if you, and others, care to have your children join that community, it would be nice if you could be a little more respectful of it. And if you DON’T care to have your children join that community, I’m not going to cry big tears.</p>

935

<p>

You are the one who wrote that it could be simply preserving a fiction.

</p>

936

<p>Someone said this earlier and then retracted it. I’m going to say it and stand by it.</p>

<p>If you really believe that your child is in danger by interviewing at an alum’s house, that’s a big indication that that university probably isn’t the place for your child – if you want your child to go to a place where you’d be comfortable with its values and practices.</p>

<p>From the college and alum’s perspective, they are offering your child a favor: a chance to put a face to an application in a setting that most applicants find to be comfortable.</p>

<p>The students also get to know an alum in the person’s personal space, something that allows your child an intimate glimpse at the kind of lifestyle that a person who has graduated from that school can have. Whether or not your child is accepted, your child also is getting the opportunity to establish a relationship with someone who may become a mentor, employer or be able to help them connect with others who can assist them. The student is being offered the chance to get a connection with something that many people see is a major asset of such schools: the connections one gets with alum.</p>

<p>If you scoff at this, you’re also missing the point. I did become a mentor to some students whom I interviewed even though those students didn’t get in. This includes one with whom I’m still in touch more than 20 years later. While she didn’t get into my college, she did get accepted to a high school internship program that I ran, and that program put her into contact with top people in the field she planned to enter, contacts that continue to pay off for her.</p>

<p>The parents who disliked the home interviews have said that their fear is that their student would be raped by an interviewer. The chances of that are less than their student would be raped by some stranger lurking at Starbucks. An interviewer would have to be stupid or crazy to rape someone when the student has an appointment – that their parents, GCs and the alum’s school – is likely to know about. As several of us have said, the interviewer is taking more of a risk having the student in their home than the student is taking of going to the interviewer’s home. For instance, the student could be a thief or a disturbed person who imagines that the interviewer has done inappropriate behavior even though the interviewer’s behavior was impeccable.</p>

<p>However, if you believe your child is taking a risk by interviewing at an alum’s home, certainly don’t allow your child to do that. As a parent, you should protect your child from things you feel are risky.</p>

<p>Anyone who thinks alum interviewers interviewing in their homes are selfish, narcissistic or lack courtesy also have a viewpoint that indicates the college wouldn’t be a suitable place for their students. After all, if their student attended such a college, their student may then adapt behavior that the parent would believe would be selfish, narcissistic or discourteous. </p>

<p>That the home interviews have worked well for such colleges for decades indicates that they serve the colleges’ purpose. I had a home interview when I applied to my alma mater, and I remember it as a pleasant experience. That’s a big reason why I myself became an alum interviewer.</p>

<p>So… if you don’t like them… fine. Have your student turn down the opp and cross the college off their list as a place that you’d allow your student to attend. Just don’t think that because you dislike alum interviews the college should end the practice. Realize that your vehement dislike of the practice means that that college doesn’t fit your values, and you’d be happier if your student went elsewhere.</p>

937

<p>Greenery - welcome to the world of “twisting your words”.</p>

<p>I could be mistaken but when I read North2South’s post:

i thought “in his room” referred to hotel room (as they were at a conference) - as opposed to an office.<br>
The concern here is more about “appearances” (to avoid the perception of sleeping with the boss" than "danger.
Same with an interview. We can take this one step further -
Let’s say an interviewer for a prestigious college wants to interview your daughter. He says he will be in your town and she can just meet him in his hotel room. Yay? or Nay?</p>

938

<p>Welcome to the world of making wrong analogies.
Why would an interviewer want to interview in a hotel room? there are plenty of areas in a hotel where private interviews can be conducted, even in “public areas.”
Those alums who want to interview a student in their home do so because it is convenient for them and there probably is not a cafe next door, or they have small children they need to mind, etc… No such concern applies to an interviewer who is at a hotel. Why a hotel room is analogized to a private home boggles my mind.</p>

939

<p>Yea. DeanJ from UVa says that she used to do that on a regular basis, although they don’t anymore. They go to schools. Which is great for the kids in those schools, but not so great for kids in smaller schools that don’t rate a whole visit, or for homeschooled kids. There are trade-offs in everything.</p>

<p>And I, for one, understood perfectly well that North2South was talking about a hotel room. And if I had been that boss, it would have given me a lot of pause about North2South. When you’re on a business trip, and you have to do preparation, 9 times out of 10 it has to be in somebody’s hotel room, which means a problem either way from North2South’s standpoint. And given that she said she had known the boss for a long time and trusted him completely, personally I found her position distasteful almost to the point of disgust (unless there were some significant religious observance issue).</p>

940

<p>“et’s say an interviewer for a prestigious college wants to interview your daughter. He says he will be in your town and she can just meet him in his hotel room. Yay? or Nay?”</p>

<p>No. She should offer to meet him in the lobby. She can say her parents asked her to do this. The interviewer is displaying very bad judgment even if they lack bad intentions.</p>

<p>There’s a chance that the interviewer actually has a hotel suite, and she’d be meeting him in the living room part, but there also is a chance that the interviewer has just a room, which would be inappropriate.</p>

<p>I would not want my sons meeting someone in a hotel room for an interview. People here seem to think that males aren’t at risk, but if a situation really can lead to rape or assault, males can be at risk just like females can be. Someone who’s hell bent on rape can rape a strong male by slipping something into the male’s drink. Men are less likely to report rape than are women. </p>

<p>“In business I was once asked by a very trustworthy boss to meet for a meeting in his room early in the morning before a conference. No matter how long or well I knew him, I wouldn’t do it alone.”</p>

<p>I agree with this. I knew a woman – chubby, grey haired, mid 50s-- who was a church secretary who attended a church conference with her boss, the pastor. He asked her to come to his room to pick up some papers. When she got there, he pushed her onto the bed and tried to rape her.</p>

<p>I would never enter the hotel room (meaning a bedroom, not the livingroom of a suit) of a person of the opposite sex unless I was willing to have sex with them. I think this situation is very different than when an alum invites a student over to their house for an interview.</p>