Do I let him go broke?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Our kids didn’t work in high school, but we started giving them monthly allowance in 9th grade. The allowance covered entertainment, gifts, makeup…Our kids were taught to save X% of their money and live within their budget. They never asked us for additional money, but D2 did ask for an increase because cost of living had gone up.

We continued to give our kids allowance in college as long as they got a job on campus. I personally think it is important for students to have work experience, so I wanted to make sure they got that while they were in school. Another stipulation was our kids were not allowed to get a credit card while in school or as long as we were supporting them. D1 has since graduated from college and working. She was able to get a credit card and sign a lease on her own.</p>

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<p>As others have said, it’s important for him to have full control of his money. Then when he falls flat on his face, he’ll look to within for blame, and he’ll learn from it.</p>

<p>If you continue to manage his money, you’ll be in this same situation years from now.</p>

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<p>I agree that if its his money he should have access to it directly. That said, if you are truly concerned that he needs guidance with money management, you areh is parent, you care about him and you know him best. You don’t have to “cut the cord” just because he is chronologically an adult. </p>

<p>When DS#2 moved off campus, we let him handle his funds (he’d worked throughout HS and in the summers and had $$) but we were still listed as joint account holders of the account he pulled his funds from to move to his checking account (the checking account was completely in his name) so could periodically “watch” over him, if necessary, to see how he was doing. Well, at one point we noticed that he had moved a fair amount of $ out of that account over several months - more than should have been necessary. So, we brought it up during the course of a conversation… and it turns out that his roommates were having their own financial problems (legitimately- not just overspending) and our DS was being overly generous in paying for things (food, utilities, etc) and “lending” them money (only occasionally repaid). So while it was sweet of him to be so generous (oh and he was the one having to collect the rent from the roomates and paid it if they couldn’t, but thats another story), we talked to him about managing his cashflow and not being too overly generous. He was also the one with the car at that point, and was generously driving people all over the place and of course they didn’t reimburse him for gas… or he didn’t ask. or a little of both.</p>

<p>So we do not fault our son for being a kind-hearted, generous soul. But we tried to help him look at his spending and see what he could do to not take on the roommates financial problems. He is not their parent. He learned from his choices, but we also admire him for his moral fiber.</p>

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<p>My cousin just got her first credit card at the age of 19 a few months ago, and it was quite a simple process, so she claims. She works only occasional weekends and all summer/most of winter break. Considering the low credit limit, she didn’t need much of an income to cover minimum payments even if the card were maxed out. She’s a waitress, and makes pretty good tips, so her income might be higher than someone working the same hours at minimum wage. I know of another individual in a similar situation who just got her first card. I don’t pay much attention to eligibility since I haven’t applied for one in a few years, but I had the impression it still isn’t unheard of for someone under 21 to get a credit card with a part-time job.</p>

<p>In addition, the OP’s son is a senior, which means he is likely over the age of 21.</p>

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<p>My fully employed kid feels fortunate that she has comtinued her student credit card which she got in 2006. She has received applications for new ones…butmthemfinemprint print is clear. Many of these require a parent cosigner.</p>

<p>Nova, it is very possible you are not hearing,the whole story.</p>

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<p>*An alternative to pre paying a years worth of rent and utilities is to write a years worth of checkbook checks, designated for that recipient only, dated ahead for the first of each month. That way they can’t be used in advance or for another purpose. *</p>

<p>I don’t see how that would prevent him from spending too much. Checks “pre written” won’t keep someone from spending too much. Pre-paying at least makes sure that those expenses are covered.</p>

<p>However, if the mom says that his money is just to pay for luxury items, then let him run out.</p>

<p>I do understand the concern about him running out of money if it meant that you’d have to bail him out and pay for necessities. But, it sounds like just entertainment money. Let him run out.</p>

<p>I think that if this was my child and the money WAS needed for some “basic costs”, I would encourage him to pre-pay those costs. And, if he was agreeable to do so, I’d see if he’d consider working up a budget to use as a guideline.</p>

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<p>This was one key reason I rarely drank alcohol or experimented with any drugs…I had better things to spend my money on. Especially stuff which had serious potential to undermine my ability to perform job#1…do well academically and in part-time job. </p>

<p>That’s a lot of money…especially considering today’s gas prices. Also, weekend excursions and restaurants can really add up quickly unless some special deals were worked out with the owners of those establishments. </p>

<p>While my college classmates and I did road trips, we made sure to pair down the expenses to the extent possible by filling up at known lower priced gas stations, taking advantage of good deals/free meals on route, and crashing with friends at colleges we visited. </p>

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<p>Did you have listed her on your credit card so she gets the benefit of your/your husband’s credit history? </p>

<p>Keep in mind not every child has parents with such a long well-established credit history due to various factors and most college grads do not land a job with high starting income like ibanking. </p>

<p>Back in the mid-'90s, the credit card companies were much more loose about handing out credit card applications and their terms to college freshmen. My older relatives encouraged me to get one and were willing to act as co-signers. </p>

<p>I opted to decline as I’ve heard of and known of people who got in way over their heads because of credit card debt…especially undergrads/young adults. I also didn’t want to be beholden to those relatives…however well-intentioned.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, not having a credit history upon graduating college meant I had difficulty renting out more desirable reasonably priced apartments in the Boston area as their landlords weren’t willing to take a risk on someone without a credit history. </p>

<p>Thus, my first apartment was a bit of a dump with some “interesting” neighbors. It also meant I was turned down for more desirable credit cards like AMEX Blue at first. Ironically, after around 3 or so years of establishing a good credit history, the very same credit card companies who rejected my initial application…including AMEX Blue sent me solicitations urging me to apply. When I did, AMEX Blue and some other cards were approved right away. No co-signers needed, either.</p>

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<p>Once over 21, they can apply for credit without a cosigner. Often these students have established their own credit through utilities, cell phone contracts, etc. We NEVER cosigned on our ds’s leases, utilities (water/electric/cable/internet) when they were in college, and they established their own credit through school and were able to show income, savings past and present employment, etc to get their own credit cards and leases. Older s has purchased a car as well.</p>

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<p>There is a comma missing above which may make it read wrong. Trying to say (and paraphrasing a bit) they were able to show income, savings, past and present employment (W-2s), etc to get their own credit cards (actually they already had credit cards with good credit) and get their own leases.</p>

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<p>If you can’t answer your question without the help of an online college forum, then I have nothing more to say.</p>

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<p>I don’ t understand why you should have any control over your son’s money at all. It’s the money he has earned, no? </p>

<p>My son has had a job since he was a rising senior in high school. Once he was in college he was expected to pay for his books, clothes, gas for his car and any entertainment. He did run short at the end of spring semester last year so I gave him $100 to tide him over. But I recognized it wasn’t easy pay for all his expenses on only $2500 so I didn’t have a problem helping him out at the end. </p>

<p>This year he has a job on campus so has money coming in every week and I don’t except him to run short.</p>

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<p>If you are going to bail him out when he’s broke…pay for checks when he bounces them…pay the pawn broker/car title loan guy when he has 1 day left before they take possession of his “x”…etc…Then you need to stay in control. Why? Because it’s just going to cost you more in the long run.</p>

<p>I know he doesn’t appreciate it, but what you are doing is fantastic. You are looking after him, and making sure he is taken care of, and actually has money to spend. I know you are going to get a ton of grief from people on this forum (and from your son!), but you are being an awesome parent. I really wish I had someone like you when I was 20/21. </p>

<p>Every “kid” (I use that loosely) wants to control their own money. They all want to have it all at once because “they earned it”. But, let’s be real here, you know if you give it all to him he is going to spend it all in a matter of weeks. </p>

<p>This may be “his money” but I imagine you’re still spending way more than he is on his life. You’re probably still writing big check for all kinds of other stuff, from insurance, car payments, tuition, rent, random bills, clothes, travel to/from home, etc, etc, etc…So, it’s important that this money is used appropriately, because it takes just that little bit of stress off of you/your finances/the rest of your family. Make sure he is involved in what his life/education costs you, and knows what you spend, where you stand financially, etc…Make sure he knows money doesn’t grow on trees, and mom doesn’t have a limitless supply to bail him out/pay his way. </p>

<p>When he knows this, he’ll know that W/out his summer money, that mom will have to pick up the slack and spend “x” more than she already is. That he knows that money takes pressure off of you/the rest of your family. That money would have been gone already if you would have just let him decide, and you’d be stuck spending that much more on him. Be firm on this, make sure he knows why it’s important that you are managing this for him. </p>

<p>What you are doing is AWESOME, and it shows how much you care. </p>

<p>You dont need him to thank you now. Because, lets be honest, he won’t. BUT, HE WILL THANK YOU LATER. He will look back and really appreciate just how much you cared. He will appreciate how much you looked after and watched out for him.</p>

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I wouldn’t have - I would have resented them trying to exert this level of control over my life - literally micromanaging it through restrictions of access to ‘my own money’. In the process I wouldn’t have learned some valuable lessons of self-control in this area - something that happens when one is forced to remain dependent and ‘taken care of’ and not developing one’s own skills. </p>

<p>Continuing this level of control is the best way to stunt the son’s (not a 'kid when he’s 21/22 and a senior in college) growth and self-control and ability to take on responsibility himself. </p>

<p>This is the opposite of ‘awesome’ and is doing a disservice to the son regardless of whether the OP’s heart is in the right place or not (and I don’t doubt that the OP’s heart is in the right place). The OP likely knew this wasn’t working out in a number of ways which is why she posted what she did here in the first place.</p>

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To think some poor girl could be stuck with a husband who was coddled like this!
@wordtomother, if you don’t realize that the most important part of good parenting is turning your kid into a fully functioning, independent, adult, you’re doing it all wrong.</p>

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<p>Thats a bit harsh. Some offspring need a bit more guidance. If I felt that my kid(s) needed a little more oversight rather than to just cut them off and let them sink, well I see that as an opportunity as a parent to offer guidance and hopefully educate them. </p>

<p>We all know our children best. And if we realize that one is perhaps not as fiscally responsible or mature as they perhaps should be, than we can either let them flounder, learn on their own from their mistakes and maybe have some major financial messes to dig our of for years that could affect their family and work life, or we could provide a little more guidance and hopefully help educate them and avoid a trainwreck. </p>

<p>If they let me do the latter, that would be my choice. I think a girl would rather be “stuck” with a spouse who learned to manage his $$, even if it took more guidance from a parent, than one who would possibly enter a relationship with a boatload of debt and continue to be fiscally irresponsible. To me- that would be awful.</p>

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<p>Follow up:
These threads are worth a read:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1510442-marrying-someone-college-debt.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1510442-marrying-someone-college-debt.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/628417-how-would-you-feel-about-your-kid-marrying-someone-large-student-loan.html[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/628417-how-would-you-feel-about-your-kid-marrying-someone-large-student-loan.html&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I would rather my child marry someone who is fiscally responsible and doesnt have a boatload of debt. If an offspring needs a bit of oversight or assistance and is open to it, tant mieux. I dont consider this “coddling”. I consider it smart.</p>

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<p>^ But the son is a senior in college now and has had no experience managing money before he has big expenses to deal with. Does he keep turning over his paycheck to mommy once he graduates and gets a job so he doesn’t find himself in a financial mess? </p>

<p>Guidance and advice is one thing, control is another.</p>

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<p>There may be a lot of assumptions being made here that the OP didnt say. I agree that the OP’s son should have direct access to his own money, but it sounds like the OPs son had been paying his own bills but has gone overboard this year, with the frat, the car, etc. Perhaps there are assumptions about how much “control” the OP is maintaining over his/her son. I don’t recall it saying he has had no experience managing money. Just that he wasn’t so good at it.</p>

<p>If the Ops son is taking care of the essentials (rent, utilities, etc) and is short on discretionary cash, then tough patoot. I wouldn’t advance the kid any $. I’d tell him to budget better. It reminds me of Whympie on Popeye “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today”. Um, no. If its his earned money and he wants to waste it, that his perogative. But if she is paying for utilities and hes not managing his $ correctly, I would not advance any $. And I would help him look at his spending. Our Ds used to use a program or app, called “wallet” (I think) that helped him budget.</p>

<p>** Edit: Correction-- the app is called “mint”</p>

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<p>MommaJ–good story. I remember when my son was 5 and had $50 of birthday money to spend on a slot car race track. I tried to tell him it wasn’t worth that but he wanted it more than anything in the world. After about a week of play he agreed it had been a waste of money. He was pretty annoyed that the reality didn’t live up to the picture on the box, but he learned a good lesson.</p>

<p>I don’t think he ever made a money mistake again (he’s now 28.) :)</p>

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<p>I am so grateful for all your responses! I’m actually embarrassed that I have controlled his money for this long, it feels wrong at this point.(he’s 21) I will say though, that knowing my son, I am afraid that his money will be gone within a couple of months before graduation. I would like to think he will get a job before he asks for a loan from me, so I know he is responsible. I can’t wait to tell him, maybe he’ll actually get nervous!</p>