I’m going to address the original question. I think the OP is being pretty judgmental about her friends. Plenty of kids who aren’t neurotypical appear so to outsiders. But even the families of those kids can have low expectations. I think that stems from a combination of ignorance, the child(ren) not receiving appropriate interventions, and the student becoming frustrated and believing that the fact that they struggle means they’re not as intelligent as their peers. The path can be long and difficult for kids who have been diagnosed; students with issues that haven’t been diagnosed have it much worse.
My husband is an undiagnosed dyslexic. His mother had similar issues in school (although she didn’t admit it until she was in her 80’s). When my husband was young his dad sat him down at the dinner table, in front of all his siblings, and laid out 3 or 4 of the trades offered through BOCES and told him to pick one. He was 14-years-old. That’s a parent with low expectations. My husband got the message. Education wasn’t for him. He struggled all through high school and spent most of his adult life believing he was stupid.
Flash forward 40 years. All but one of the grandchildren has been officially diagnosed with various combinations of dyslexia, dyscalculia, and dysgraphia (and the one who hasn’t is exhibiting signs of mild dyscalculia). The children of their neurotypical (financially successful, small businessowner) child (whose spouse is an MD at a major medical center) went to a private high school then to well known private colleges where their parents were full pay to the tune of $60k/year per kid. They have degrees in things like economics, poli sci, and physical therapy. Occupations that the family has suggested to my (homeschooled) dyslexic kiddo? Hairdresser and home health aide. Those are both honest livings and great for people who like those things. However, my daughter wants to be a scientist.
We’ve always told her not to settle – to figure out what she wants and work for it – but it’s not easy. Homeschooling her has been a full-time job, and we know her issues. I can’t imagine what it’s like for families whose kids haven’t been diagnosed. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s been like from her end. My in-laws meant well; they wanted my husband to be able to support himself and a family, but the effect was devastating. I try not to judge other parents because you never know what kinds of challenges they’re facing or the effect your judgments may have on them. I listen and offer advice if they ask for it, but mostly I just listen and point out strengths that their kids possess. I think that’s what real friends do.