Do you believe we suffer from "small family syndrome"?

Parent Cafe
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<p>jack~</p>

<p>I’m sorry, but I react to things in a very different way than you do. I don’t mind questions being posed, possibilities being explored, even my own motivations being questioned (see post # 78, which I’m sure you’ve already read and disregarded). I am, in general, not a defensive person, nor do I indiscriminantly attribute ill-will to people and rush to attack. That is simply not my personality. If someone had posed the question as you indicated above in post #115, I would do my best, as a mother of six, to help others learn from my perspective, WHICH MAY OR MAY <em>NOT</em> BE REFLECTIVE OF ANYONE BESIDES ME.</p>

<p>Please do not assume we all operate like you do with regard to suspicion of others and their motives…we don’t. I don’t know…maybe it comes from associating with so many people who are NOT carbon copies of us…in fact, we’re pretty damn “one of a kind” around here! :wink: ~berurah</p>

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<p>

Caring about the earth is, as you used the term earlier, a “noble” endeavor. That’s great. Have a cookie…on me.</p>

<p>Caring about PEOPLE, their feelings, their thoughts, their souls? THAT’S even MORE noble, even within the context of an internet bulletin board. Your relationship with the earth aside, your EQ, or “people skills,” could use some serious work. Frankly, CGM, there is NO WAY that you could EVER convince me that you are a kind, caring, or giving person. Sure, you talk a good game, but you just don’t strike me that way at all. Just MY $.02., and I have pretty apt “people radar.”</p>

<p>

Having a large family requires TREMENDOUS personal sacrifice. And yes, I speak from experience. ;)</p>

<p>Do I think that it “proves” that we “mega-moms” are better people? Oy Vey! :rolleyes: One of my very best friends on this planet has one ASTOUNDING, thoughtful, generous, and darling child. Several others have two. What good would it possibly do me to compare myself to them? It would never occur to me to do that. </p>

<p>Let’s see…I have never had my hair colored professionally, I have never had a manicure or pedicure, I have never spent ONE NIGHT away from my family by myself or with my husband, I’ve never had ONE person babysit my young children whom I didn’t monetarily compensate (until I grew my own babysitters), we don’t travel, I cut all my boys’ hair, and I never buy ANYTHING unless it is on AT LEAST a 50% off sale. Do I consider these sacrifices? Let’s just say that I’ve never spoken of them to my kids, and really, never to anyone else until this thread. IMHO, “mega-moms” are pretty selfless generally…out of necessity, not out of some convoluted sense of martyrdom. Do large families sacrifice and show unselfish behavior? DOH. And so do many small families.</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>berurah: “Please do not assume we all operate like you do with regard to suspicion of others and their motives…we don’t. I don’t know…maybe it comes from associating with so many people who are NOT carbon copies of us…in fact, we’re pretty damn “one of a kind” around here!”</p>

<p>Wow. I hope you feel better. Not defensive, huh? ;)</p>

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<p>jack~</p>

<p>You have addressed several posts directly toward me, and I have replied. Consider my replies as you wish. ~berurah
Oh, and your winkie faces do not serve to make your posts any less acidic! ;)</p>

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<p>Wow. Where are the mods when you need them? Apparently there needs to be a parent cafe time out thread…</p>

<p>Oh yes - ;)</p>

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<p>DukeEgr: I agree.</p>

<p>Berurah: My 2 posts to you were not personal attacks. (1) I said that I thought you might find the original post offensive had it been attacking large families, instead of small; (2) My other post responded to your comment that you “cringe at stereotypes.” I responded that you must have been cringing throughout this entire thread, as I think there have been an amazing number of stereotypes and broad generalizations thrown around here. And there have been. That’s not a personal attack, nor were they “acidic” towards you–not in the least.</p>

<p>Oh, yes. I did add the winkie face solely for your benefit. I agree completely with you, though. They “do not serve to make your posts any less acidic.” ;)</p>

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<p>Berurah, your description of ways that you economize rings a bell with me. While I never cut the kids’ hair, I do everything that I am capable of doing myself, rather than pay someone else. We always spent the money on education and music, and on one income, that required some juggling. Do I resent any of that? Of course not! But I know that I can always get by without luxuries. I would have liked more children, but my ever-practical husband suggested that we just do a good job with the two we had. </p>

<p>The window of time when we should have had that 3rd baby was a time when my parents died within three months of one another, and we had an international move. I just couldn’t have coped with a new baby at the time, so I agreed with H. Now that my kids are almost adults, I don’t think I would have had the patience to deal with more, and I admire your fortitude! My kids are what I lovingly call “High Maintenance” but only in the sense that they never accepted the easy way of doing anything. I couldn’t have handled a third and kept my sanity!</p>

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<p>Well maybe this was subconscious (it really was my childhood favorite) but did anyone else happen to notice the current sponsors of this site---- Cheaper by the Dozen on DVD May 23rd!!! Was it here all along? LOL!</p>

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<p>Ber…I don’t need to convince you of anything, I dont really care if you like me or not, it is not important to me if someone who is close minded, judgemental, and who doubts my truthfulness</p>

<p>I am kind, I care about peopel beyond just my blood, and I do for others all the time</p>

<p>You opinions of me are meanlingless because I know my heart and what I do, I go into the world, not just my own family</p>

<p>that is me</p>

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<p>ber: “I’ve never had ONE person babysit my young children whom I didn’t monetarily compensate”</p>

<p>I never paid a babysitter in my life- I swapped, i found families with kids my age, and we took turns taking care of each other children, so the kids could play with each other, we got to know them, and them us, and save everyone some money, so mom and dad A had a party, we took their kids, if we had an event, they would watch ours in their home…to this day, we are still connected to those families</p>

<p>BUT, I did pay tweens in my neighborhood to help around the house…it wasn’t that we had lots of money, but it was good for my kids to be around some older kids, and those older kids to help with some young’uns, and if they earned a bit, great</p>

<p>Everyone finds ways to connect and share and make a village, I just did it with my neighbors, and friends, whom to this day, are still close</p>

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<p>I was talking to my mom this afternoon and I could tell that she was really bothered by some things that have been said about our family in this thread. I begged my mom to let me come here and talk a little bit about my family from a kids point-of-view. I am her 3rd child, 2nd daughter, I’m a 15 yr. old high school freshmen, and I know my mom very very very well. </p>

<p>I was very surprised to find out that anyone could think of my mom and dad or our family as being selfish! Let me tell you a little bit about my parents.</p>

<p>My mom is the most talented person alive! She could have done ANYTHING that she wanted to do in life! She is an AMAZING writer (as you can see I didn’t get that trait! lol), she was a championship diver, and she is smarter than anyone I’ve ever met. I feel VERY VERY lucky that with all of these amazing qualities that my mom chose to stay at home and take care of us kids! My dad is an amazing dad! He and my mom always want what’s best for all of us kids! My dad is the hardest worker I’ve ever met. </p>

<p>With six kids around the house it is hard for anyone in my family to be selfish. Everyone is ALWAYS looking out for each other all the time. My mom is the least selfish one of us all. All she does is give and give and hardly ever gets anything back. I am thoroughly involved in musical theatre, and my mom hauls me to the neighboring town almost everyday without saying a word; we both know that there are probably thousands of other things my mom could be doing, but she chooses to take me up there everyday and let me follow my dreams. </p>

<p>If you ask any of us kids what my mom has taught us it would be that you should always care for others. She always taught us to think of others before yourselves. My mom is my inspriation for what I want to be when I grow up–a Pediatric Oncologist. I want to help people and give back to the society. </p>

<p>I only hope that when I grow up I can be as GREAT a mom as my mom is!</p>

<p>-Bound4Broadway</p>

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<p>What a lovely thing to say.</p>

<p>Good luck on Broadway–I’ll be just down the street over the Summer…writing.</p>

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<p>Well, I loved hearing from berurah’s d- very well said- lovely young lady!
It’s my humble opinion that this thread has run it’s course;
positive karma to everyone!</p>

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<p>FountainSiren and galwaymom~</p>

<p>On behalf of my daughter, I thank you for your most kind words.</p>

<p>sjmom2329~</p>

<p>Your family sounds like the perfect one for you, and from your numerous posts that I’ve read, I certainly get a feel for what a great mom you are…In fact, if I remember correctly, I pm’ed you something to that effect long ago… :)</p>

<p>I can relate to the influence of outside events/timing with regard to bearing babies. I can’t imagine how very difficult it must have been for you to lose BOTH parents within such a short time, especially when your kids were so young. And an international move on top of it?? Wow…</p>

<p>Our fourth child was the direct result of a rather traumatic event. When my oldest was in preschool, his new best friend’s mom was very ill with an extremely aggressive form of lymphoma. We had just moved here, and for that entire spring, I got to know her through little snippets of conversations we’d have as I picked up her son to take him to preschool. When the class had its little Mother’s Day Tea, I picked her up to take her as she was too weak to drive. At the little celebration, she asked me to snap a picture of her son and her, and I must say, as I snapped the shutter, I got a chill up my spine. One month later she passed away, leaving her older son (8), her middle son (5), and her little daughter (2). </p>

<p>After attending her funeral, I turned to my dh and said, “Honey, it’s time for some life…” About a year later, my fourth child was born…</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>2 is all we could handle and they’re 6 years apart! There are plenty of couples with 1 or zero kids to balance out the large families. We run a fairly tight ship and are relatively strict so our kids aren’t spoiled (at least I don’t think so). In my typical suburban middle-class neighborhood, there are empty nesters, lots of people w/ 1,2,3 kids, fewer in the 4-6 range and then 2 families w/ 8 and 10 kids. We are educated women and many of us do choose to stay home with our kids while they are young. No divorces that I know of in the neighborhood, but a couple of young widows/widowers due to illness and the Pentagon attack</p>

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<p>I admit most of the families I socialize with- only have two kids- this is a result of parents having children much later in life- a wish to have both time to be at home with the kids- but also a wish to have time to pursue responsibilities and goals that don’t necessarily involve children-
In our case- we wanted to keep our debt load relatively small- ( not counting college of course)-as well as having high needs kids- restricted the amount of energy and time that was available just to function for two kids- let alone having energy time and money to function for more.
I have heard of families who conciously adopt special needs kids- and make that the focus for their life- I think they are great and obviously very needed, but that would not be a life that I would be successful at.</p>

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<p>We had two beautiful girls and a very nice, but somewhat feminine lifestyle. Which was wonderful because I’ve always wanted girls. Life was great, the kids were in school, taking ballet, doing all the normal things that middle class kids do in NYC when, BAM, all of a sudden, with no warning, 9 years later, I found myself bringing home from the hospital a tiny, perfect, blue-eyed boy! A boy! What to do with one of THOSE? They make messes, they make noise, they have dirty faces and play with trucks and DIRT! Babies need care and we both work fulltime. Oy vey!! The point being that sometimes the best laid plans and all . . . </p>

<p>My sister married a very, very successful man and they had a great life until his company folded, taking his job at 50 and ending his health benefits at a time when he was diagnosed with a major illness. They lived well in suburban New Jersey and planned for their kids, gave them everything and were well pleased. One kid was in college and one in private high school. Now that the money and health is gone, by virtue of hindsight, we could say that they shouldn’t have had their two kids because they couldn’t be sure they could afford them. But, then again, who could?</p>

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<p>I knew a woman, and this is not an urban myth, who had two kids in college, thought she was in menopause, but wham bam, TWINS at 55…talk about Oy Vey</p>

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<p>I am amazed by the attitudes of people who “think” they know why people have only children. If it hasn’t been mentioned already, did anyone ever consider the fact that the parents didn’t have an opportunity to make that “choice”? As the mother of an only child, nature and two incompetent physicians made that decision when an ectopic pregnancy was misdiagnosed and emergency surgery required the removal of certain parts needed. An acquaintance of mine once mentioned to my MIL that she couldn’t understand why hubby and I would every choose to have one child only. My MIL let her have it. </p>

<p>As for people who have large families … I always thought I would love that. I grew up with two siblings and lots of cousins who had very large families. We always had a wonderful time. DH and I would have liked a larger family, but it just didn’t happen. I don’t understand the attitudes of people who slam larger families, either. As for it being “selfish”, I do not share that opinion. </p>

<p>Again, I’m simply floored by people who “think” they know so much about “why” other people have the number of children they do. To those of you who “think” you’re in the know … you’re not.</p>

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<p>Splashmom, I may have missed something, but I really don’t recall that anyone has slammed parents of only children. In fact, I know several families with one child, and it was a deliberate choice for only one of those families. For a variety of reasons, we have only two children. I honestly don’t know if I could have had more, due to a health issue. I am grateful that I was able to have my two sons.</p>