Oh. The grandparents. My D didnt feel the pressure but after my mom met the future SIL she pestered me to death.
“when will they get married”, “how soon till the wedding”“Doesnt she want to marry this one?” “whats wrong with her, he’s a wonderful boy” and of course my fave: “they would make such beautiful babies”. This was on a daily basis for three years. (but she never said a word to D)
Ah… I wish my kids still had grandparents to nudge them about getting married or to have attended DS#1s wedding. I am envious of those of you who are still so fortunate.
I will probably be on Medicare before I am a grandparent (seriously) so fear I won’t be around to nudge a future grandchild about a potential spouse. Count your blessings.
Yes I should be thankful. And I don’t think they would be coming back to the states to wed if it wasn’t for my mom.
Win-win!
There seems to be less pressure to get married now. It is normal for young people these days to stay single until their late 20s/30ish. H and I were 26/24 when we got married (after dating only a few months). It seemed like a good age. S#1 is almost 28 and D#1 is 25. I would like to see them happily married and, of course, I’d like to have grandchildren! S is dating someone, so I’m cautiously optimistic. Many of their college friends are married–they’ve been invited to a lot of weddings the last few years. Their oldest cousin got married last year at 28. Two more are engaged now at 27 and 24-- a little bit of "positive peer pressure. " I try to keep quiet about it. I don’t want them to get married just to “have a wedding.”
When I told my grandpa I was getting married his response was: “why? Marriage sucks! Don’t do it.” my grandma asked if I was pregnant.
Just as a note, just because one isn’t married, doesn’t mean one is single. Yes, people are putting off marriage but statistically they’re cohabitating at the same age that people a generation ago used to marry at. Young people use cohabitation as an alternative to marriage because so many young people just don’t care all that much about the piece of paper.
What would change for my D1 and her significant other of 6 years ( minus a few months figuring things out). The " marriage penalty tax." D1 says they would have to pay $10,000 more in taxes a year being married vs not.
WT F*? What is wrong w/ our society that we have a marriage penalty, no matter the tax bracket.
Dating someone interested in an academic job means you don’t know where they will end up into their 30’s. Even if they get a job, they may not get tenure at that place. It’s a nearly impossible route for two professionals.
Our laws are incredibly outdated and any change to that is seen as an “attack on marriage/the family.”
See, for example, the ridiculousness that was me marrying Mr R so he could get good insurance.
Regarding the article mentioned in OP… From my perspective, comparing other countries to the US makes very little sense. When I grew up in a much less affluent country, there were multiple reasons for young women to get married very early:
Young couples simply could not afford to maintain a separate household, so they had to get married and move in with their parents. Naturally, parents would not want to take in and support a stranger
Young family incomes remained very low for many years, so there were no incentives to wait for an opportunity to start an independent household later in life. Plus, childcare was often provided by grandparents, which in turn encouraged three-generation households
Much younger retirement age, shorter life expectancy, and compete lack of social safety net put a lot of pressure on young couples to had children early in their life while they still had the stamina and resources to raise them.
There was a widespread believe that giving birth at/after late 20s was associated with significantly increased health risks (which was partially true due to poor quality of healthcare). First-time mothers at 30+ were officially classified as advanced maternal age, given additional tests, consultations etc. during pregnancy. At later ages, they were encouraged to have abortions
Abortions were the top and very widespread form of birth control, and many women developed fertility problems as a result. Therefore, many women avoided abortions at all costs during their first pregnancy and had children at very early age
For all these reasons, most brides were just 20-22 years old, and divorce rates were very low, even in very dire situations such as women and child abuse. But there were also many happy and stable marriages. I got married at 19, not because of social pressure, but definitely because that was socially acceptable. We are still married 30 year later, as are many of our immigrant friends. I cannot really judge from personal experience, but I believe that similar situations still exist today in many countries. But there are also some unique circumstances that set the USA apart from other developed countries and contribute to late marriages:
Completely ridiculous (imho) education system, which requires attending a graduate school to receive virtually any professional degree. As a result, many young professionals cannot even dream of supporting a family until they are in their late 20s/early 30s (and often carry hefty student loans to begin their career). In my own career track, the entry-level young professionals I hire have ~12-14 years of college education and mandatory training, and are usually in their mid-thirties when they start their first real job.
Affluent American lifestyle (including those who consider themselves “poor”) allow most young unmarried couples to support themselves independently from their parents. It also sets much higher expectations when many couples believe they must accumulate some wealth (e.g. afford to buy a house) before they get married.
Social welfare and taxation systems encourage single parent households. High costs of childcare and child education also prohibit starting families early.
In most countries worldwide, students attend colleges in their hometowns and often live at home together with their parents. Even after getting a job, families and friends often remain within commuting distance. By contrast, in the US, frequent relocations between states for education or professional reasons make long-term relationships and commitments much more difficult and less stable.
What country, mycupoftea?
D was married last fall at age 24 1/2. One of her HS friends married recently, but most aren’t even close to that.
There are several girls she knew from HS who have married in the last few years although most have not. They tend to roughly fall into two groups: the girls who have been dating a guy for several years ( like D) or the conservative religious girls who always said they wanted to be married young and have babies.
We had been pressuring our son NOT to get married, but it isn’t working. He just turned 21 and is getting married in August. He and his fiance’ are very conservative and don’t believe in living together. Apparently “young marriages” are common in their evangelical churches and with fiance’s parents. They have been dating just over a year, but have lived in separate cities the half of that time. Son asked for father’s permission and got it, which amazes us.
Older son is getting married next year (now 25), after living together for a few years. He is in the medical field and I noticed that several people married just before their intense residencies. He was lucky to have someone who made dinner for him after a very long day. She is a saint and really helped him out. He and his fiance’ attended a catholic university and I was surprised at the large number of fellow students who married shortly after graduation.
H and I dated 9 years before getting married, living together for 3 1/2 years, so no pressure coming from us.
@Pizzagirl Well, why not. I grew up in the USSR. Granted, I have not been back there for over 25 years, and many things have changed since that time (albeit not in a good way). But many of the same factors still remain today. Btw, another reason for getting married early was having sex, plain and simple. Most couples simply did not have enough privacy to get intimate before marriage.
Interesting.
While most immigrant parents of HS/college classmates and post-college friends/colleagues from the former USSR(Mostly Russian and Ukrainian) did marry young before emigrating, the vast majority were adamant that their kids didn’t do the same as they felt their kids’ should have more experience living as single adults and getting to know themselves before marriage and to take advantage of all the higher education opportunities which weren’t available to them back in their nation of origin.
Granted, part of that had to do with coming of age during/not too long after WWII/Stalin era and how the tracking and with some official/unofficial discrimination* in the Soviet system of education was such higher-level educational opportunities** were effectively shut off by the time they reached their mid-late teens.
Incidentally, most of the parents ended up getting their college degrees as non-traditional students here in the states during an era when one could attend some public colleges for free or for extremely nominal fees (Attended mostly late '50s till the mid-'70s).
- If one hadn't shown sufficient dedication to the Soviet Communist Party or came from a family background which is perceived to have shown a lack of such dedication, many educational opportunities or tracks would be closed to them.
** High schools geared towards university entrance.
"Granted, part of that had to do with coming of age during/not too long after WWII/Stalin era and how the tracking and with some official/unofficial discrimination* in the Soviet system of education was such higher-level educational opportunities** were effectively shut off by the time they reached their mid-late teens.
Incidentally, most of the parents ended up getting their college degrees as non-traditional students here in the states during an era when one could attend some public colleges for free or for extremely nominal fees (Attended mostly late '50s till the mid-'70s)."
This would be my parents generation - my generation paid through the nose for our american degrees. And we had no one to rely upon other than ourselves… while often supporting our parents and our kids.
Thank you, mycupoftea.
Cobrat, why don’t we let someone who actually grew up in the USSR to explain what it was like instead of pretending that you know because of “high school friends’ parents.”
Forums are meant for having conversations.
I have just as much of a right to post in order to engage in it as you or anyone else here.
Please stop trying to dictate how others are supposed to converse.
I think it’s the referral to tangential relationships as authoritative.
My Ukrainian grandparents married off my grandmother at quite a young age because she was getting to old for them to continue supporting. They (and my grandfather) were the immigrants and she was born here. She encouraged me not to marry young and was fine with DH and me living together first.
Spent the day with D1. Despite my saying she may move on from this relationship, she said she would marry him. But she’s distanced herself from romance fiction. She has some conditions she’d like to see them meet, as a couple.
I admit I “pressure” ods and yds now and again but I would never in a million years say anything in front of their girlfriends, who I hope become my daughters in law.